Even my friends are starting to realize how much of a failure I am. One decided to spend a decent amount of time a bit ago helping to explain this to me. As if I didn’t already know this -_- They explained to me that I should do what everybody else is telling me to do, so I guess I should just kill myself already.
I hate being alone, I’m alone right now…. Nobody is around for me to talk to, it’s making me very sad, I which there were people around right now, but they are all sleeping or something 🙁 I am a strange person, as I am most definitely an introvert because I NEED be alone quite often but at many times I can’t stand being alone and want nothing more than to talk to somebody, although normally that doesn’t require having to physically be around them, I do much prefer text-based interactions. But meh I am so lonely right now, although in about an hour I have to […]
For once I’m not using that word to describe me. He pisses me off just so much, he likes to pretend. He is probably a narcissist so it’s really not his fault that he can’t claim that he’s wrong, and can’t accept being told that he hasn’t experienced things…. Today he just wove a story about how he used to be suicidal for several years and was all like “You don’t know the things I’ve felt, you didn’t even know me then” but it’s so obviously bullshit. complete bullshit. I know if any of you knew him you’d know, and I’m sure you probably do […]
Welp mostly just checking in…. but meh, things are okay I guess…. doing my school stuffs…. My friend actually took up my interest, which is a really weird interest honestly…. But it is quite fun, and apparently a decently entertaining party trick, and is developed to a point where I can actually use it as such…. My friend can use it as such, and I am mildly more skilled than him at it, so it should probably work out…. Just a matter of confidence…. :/ but that is a thing I lack, maybe I should just try it out around more people build up that […]
So, yesterday (well more like today since I haven’t slept yet) went okay I guess…. I actually did some of my school stuffs for the first time…. Maybe I won’t fail if I can keep this up…. The 10 math problems really seemed horrible though and took like an hour 🙁 and most of it I did kind of spend hating myself, cried a little bit even…. which is weird for me, that’s one of the few things that allows me to do that. But meh, now I’m just dreading that I have to do another 10 today, and tomorrow, and everyday for the rest […]
Those are good words to describe me. Words that I do have carved into my skin, so I’ll never forget what I am…. But I did almost forget for a little bit, I shouldn’t make that mistake again. I haven’t been around here much recently (the past 3-4 months) because things have been going quite well, and I was feeling decently good things…. I always wanted to check in here because I missed a lot of people from here, but always felt overwhelmed when I came back. There was just so much, and I don’t like the idea of just cherry picking posts to reply […]
I did a scary thing today, I showed a friend one of the things I enjoy doing while alone…. He said he would do it with me (or at least try to) but he made me go first, it was scary…. My heart was racing, I felt like I was dying for a little bit…. A few minutes felt like an eternity, and then after I was done he was actually impressed…. He was surprised greatly, and said he was expecting me to be quite horrible, but stated that I was quite good…. It felt nice to get a compliment, then he went and then […]
Some things are really scary to do, but it seems to be the only way for things to get better…. I am slowly starting to realize that if I want to achieve anything at all I am going to have to do things that are scary, stressful and uncomfortable 🙁 which kind of sucks. I don’t really want to do these things but I also do, now that I know how necessary they are…. A bit ago I kind of did do one, but not fully yet…. Kind of close though…. Wish me luck ^_^
So today over something so very fucking stupid I just sort of broke everything…. at least tried really hard to. And at least most of the things that I enjoy having in my life…. I threw my headset against the wall…. It’s pre fucked now, the phone that I bought so i could play pokemon go got thrown, it seems mostly okay only partially fucked. broke a television there’s a small hole in the wall…. my hand hurts it was all bent out of shape for a bit (in a literal way) but it’s back to its original shape, and now just slightly hurts…. I […]
Welp haven’t posted for a bit so I probably should, just to let people know that I’m not dead…. Sure I’ve commented on a few things, but still not a ton of things and often late (sorry kitty fist) but meh, life has still been keeping me distracted which is nice I guess…. But lately I’ve been kind of feeling/not feeling a lot of different things…. I’m never that consistent it seems….
Last week was quite a bad week, and I kind of did want to post here about it, but I just didn’t has the drive to actually do it. I kind of just felt […]
Grrrr haven’t slept yet, and am now afraid to sleep, as I kind of want to do things today…. but I know I will oversleep…. Things have been kind of okay, but mostly just because I had a lot of distractions…. Which are kind of gone now, people are starting to grow tired of me again and starting to ignore me more…. Guess I’ve hit that point where they just get tired of me since I have the depth of a sheet of paper. -_- I run out of unique interactions and dialogue options quite quickly…. Meh whatever, I kind of even cried a bit […]
Grrrr…. I have no idea how to feel about things…. :/ Like things have been fairly good now actually…. I’m pre happy about it really, but also I have no idea about most things…. I feel kind of bad for some reason though, but have no idea how to feel about most things :/ Grrrr I can’t even think very well…. But I’m getting better at some things though.
Welp I decided to delay my homework and do this instead…. I don’t like it at all…. But should still share anyway…. Why not? I don’t like a lot of things about it…. It flows kind of sporadically threw out it, although it still feels all like one piece at least…. so meh…. It kind of feels like it’s having a heart attack…. (the poem (if you can call it that))
*start*
Let’s think outside of our bodies
And stop acting like photo copies
Of the worst in society
You’re on your knees, call it piety
Oh please, just stop speaking
Of this paradise you’re seeking
Praying daily like an addiction
Begging for a […]
it’s strange I’ve been spending very little time here lately, I feel bad about it so much…. I feel like pokemon Go may be becoming a problem, but I guess it’s not the worst thing that’s become a problem for me…. It’s not like I would have been doing anything productive with that time anyway, at least I got some exercise out of it…. Although I feel like I’m losing weight 🙁 which sucks…. but I finally started doing my school stuffs today, got very little of it done…. Why do I always do this? wait until like the last week or so then start […]
Welp today was pre good, but I didn’t do anythign productive…. I shall start soonish though, I only have like 3 weeks left to do it all, and I don’t want to fail more classes…. Although I spent today with a friend playing pokemon go…. And then time after that without him (he had to leave early) but that went well…. I guess that’s it…. I hatched a Lapras from a 10K egg…. it is now at 1861 cp which is nice 😀 I’m pre happy about that…. my other 10K eggs have been a chansey and a high 500’s eevee, which is now a […]
I hope that they suffer…. Why the fuck do they think it is okay to invite themselves over and then be total pricks that should fucking kill themselves…. I hope they die in a slow and painful way. ARGH…. I can’t stand it. I really really want to tear into my skin right now, I want to bleed…. I need to, I want to shred my fucking arm because I was too much of a little ***** to remove a person like that from our society, I should have killed them where they sat without a second thought, I was holding a knife and everything, […]
I’m fairly tired…. Got like an hour and a half of what may have been sleep, it felt more like a state of just deep relaxation though…. I really couldn’t tell if I was awake or asleep during that time…. I was confused once I came out of that state about what state I had just been in, it was okay though decently restful…. But I’m still kind of tired, but it’s 8:30am now…. and I drank a bunch of coffee at like 4am (at dennys with my friend) then we knocked down some gyms in pokemon go (only 5 though because he’s lame and […]
I don’t know why, my day was fairly good…. sure a few stressful things, but nothing too bad…. I still feel like I want to cry though, eventhough I spent time with my closest friend today (we wen’t for a walk and played pokemon go and what has you) which was nice…. I also went on yet another obsessively long walk after that (in the evening) and ran into one of my fathers friends, it was a bit unsettling however they seemed to just think I was going for a walk/run, they didn’t stay long…. Which was good…. I got back after dark (yet before […]
welp…. my counselor said it wasn’t a problem that I was playing pokemon go so much…. apparently if it isn’t stopping me from doing other things it’s not a problem…. even though there are things I should be doing instead he understands that I wouldn’t be doing them anyway…. He was happy with how much I was walking though…. apparently it’s much better than playing other games :/ (which I do too much anyway) But now I’m level 18…. Started Saturday, and now is Thursday…. that’s only 6 days of playing…. Kind of fast progression…. -_- But it was nice as after seeing him I […]
Well I think I may be coming down now…. I was pre hyper and wound up the last week and a half or so…. somewhat due to many different reasons…. (one of them probably being pokemon go (which I hate admitting)) But today I kind of felt pre bad…. Kind of wanted to hurt myself quite badly today, I still do…. I guess I’m getting better though, as I have an xacto knife right next to me and still haven’t cut myself…. I just spent the last couple hours playing with it too, gently scratching myself with it, and still no cuts…. I kind of […]