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sleeplessinSTL

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by sleeplessinSTL 8/4/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

I wrote a while ago about my friend with cancer. I said that she was a little better. I guess that was a few months ago.

She died yesterday. I have officially lost two of my best friends. And I know it won’t mean much to most people in the world, she wasn’t likeÂ Talia Castellano. Not everyone loved her, even though she was the nicest, and sweetest person ever. We used to read The Fault in our Stars together. She used to make me listen to One Direction. She would come to my boxing matches. I absolutely loved her. Â I had hope though. They say that […]

8/4/2013 11 comments

True or False

by sleeplessinSTL 8/3/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

In my world, I have to constantly remind myself what’s real and what isn’t, what’s a hallucination and what’s real, and what are rational thoughts and what aren’t. I’ll see a person as an entirely different things. For example, I know that person doesn’t actually look like a dragon, but I see them that way. Or I see a bunch of bees clouding the room, they aren’t actually there, it’s just sleep deprivation. But they seem so real, and no, it’s not “The voices in me head telling me that”. I’ve heard that saying far too often. I’m schizotypal, not schizophrenic. It drives me insane […]

8/3/2013 2 comments

The Family

by sleeplessinSTL 7/31/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

I think what I need to do is just get away from my family for a while. We are truly messed up and dysfunctional. It’s like my adoptive parents go out of their way to get kids with disorders and mental problems. Maybe they really are kind heartedÂ people and try to help kids like that…. but what do I know? All I can say for sure is that on our house alone we have a kleptomaniac with anxiety, an addict with depression and a shitload of other shit, a girl who has a sailors mouth(who I personally think is a sociopath…seriously), and two other normal […]

7/31/2013 8 comments

Spreading Panic

by sleeplessinSTL 7/31/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

Ah the joys of Anxiety. You know, waking up and feeling nervous for no reason. Walking outside and smelling the smog in the city, afraid that you’ll get mugged even though you have three people with you. Going into a building and thinking that anyone who dares to laugh is laughing at you. Yeah, it’s great.

Not really. It fucking sucks. Anxiety attacks and panic attacks are very similar but the way my doctor describes it is that anxiety attacks are triggered by an event, and panic attacks aren’t always.

I had a panic attack at my friends house. And an Anxiety attack. In the same day. […]

7/31/2013 4 comments

I’m trying

by sleeplessinSTL 7/30/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

As of right now, I’m at the bottom of the pit. If you look at my charts, I should be doing okay. But I feel so utterly depressed. I haven’t smoked weed or cigarettes in a month, and I’m not abusing my medicine. I’m also seeing a therapist and have hung out with my friends more often. Well, my clean friends that is.

Of course there’s a dark side though. I started drinking again. It’s not a lot, but I know it’s not good for me. Honestly though, if I don’t have a piece of the old me, I fear I’ll go insane. The thing is, […]

7/30/2013 10 comments

I Feel useless

by sleeplessinSTL 7/26/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

I woke up this morning and felt numb. When I look in the mirror I see a glassy-eyed freak. I don’t get up in the morning and feel good. I just bury my head deeper into the pillows. I don’t have a purpose anymore. I feel so useless.They say that everyone has a purpose, but I don’t. I don’t have motivation, and the things I used to have passion for don’t matter anymore.

7/26/2013 7 comments

I Can’t Stand You Now

by sleeplessinSTL 7/17/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

This Saturday, I’m going to a One Republic concert. I was really excited because I was bringing my best friend Kathrine and my other friend Morgan. Morgan and I used to be best friends, but she started ignoring me this year. In school, she would give me these short bullshit answers every time I tried to talk to her. We used to sit right next to each other, but she put two people between us. And then when we got home from school she would text me, acting as if she’d never done those things. So, I started ignoring her outside of school. She got […]

7/17/2013 7 comments

I Don’t Get Stronger

by sleeplessinSTL 7/6/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

All these things pieced together,

Aren’t making me strong,

Aren’t making me better,

They tear down the dreams I’ve finally had,

Nothing can stop them,

There’s nothing more bad,

I’ve been to hell,

And I’ve been back,

Through drugs and rape and panic attacks,

But after these storms,

There’s always some calm,

It works it’s way up and fully forms,

I learn to live broken and shattered,

Not getting stronger or better,

Just more battered,

I don’t pick myself up,

I fly with a joint,

And after a while,

I crash from that point,

I had my problems,

Long before my addictions,

And even before they started,

I had low restrictions,

I can’t wait for the day,

When I get to fly,

Not from a drug,

But from my wings to […]

7/6/2013 2 comments

Nobody Would Care

by sleeplessinSTL 6/29/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

I feel that every time I say that, someone always says “Yes, someone cares, you just can’t tell” or something like that.

But it’s true, no one would care. I’ve been sent to numerousÂ foster homes. It’s like a return at a store. You get a confident girl who is smart and good at soccer, and you return a beat and battered girl who just didn’t fit your family.

Yeah, it’s like I’m someone’s property.

Then I have my friends. Two are dead, one is dying. I’m justÂ great at choosing friends. The rest hate me. After the first time I tried to kill myself, the were very comforting and […]

6/29/2013 1 comment

Him

by sleeplessinSTL 6/9/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

I miss him so much. I want my best friend back. I want to hug him and tell him just how much he means to me. I just want to see him again. I want so badly to see his bright blue eyes and blonde hair.

But I can’t.

He’s dead.

He would be ashamed of me. Drugs, alcohol, cutting, and my bitter attitude. Not much to be proud of.

There’s a part of me, though that thinks that he would be proud of me. I’ve been to hell and back, with both physical and emotional damages, but I’m still breathing. I can walk into a room and act […]

6/9/2013 6 comments

Heartbeats

by sleeplessinSTL 6/3/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

I can feel my heart slowly beating the same slow pulse,

But my mind is breaking apart and starting to convulse,

As I try to not think about the destruction before my eyes,

Another day gone down the drain in the life that I despise,

A quietÂ bum bum, bum bum, goes onÂ inside my chest,

I still have a heartbeat but it’s very faint,

Meager at the very best,

Back to my brain,

It is turning off,

Shutting down from all my pain,

The drugs, the cuts, the suicide,

My eternal cloud of rain,

I’ve been counseled and hospitalized to no avail,

Every treatment sought has failed,

Hope is scarce and failure is often,

I wish they would just put me […]

6/3/2013 1 comment

How to go on

by sleeplessinSTL 5/25/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

How do you go on living,

when depression’s already won,

how do you go on walking,

when your feet weigh half a ton,

how do you just ignore.

the fact that your life is done,

when everyone around you,

passes by like you’re not there,

when even your best friend,

turns and doesn’t care,

how do you go on breathing,

when the pain is pushing down,

when your whole life around you,

breaks and crashes around.

5/25/2013 3 comments

Summer

by sleeplessinSTL 5/25/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

If there’s anything I truly hate, it’s drama. I hate the drama that girls cause, I hate the drama boys cause, and I especially hate the drama grown ups cause. The summer usually is a time that I can get away from most of that drama. I think almost everyone loves summer.

I FINALLY get to leave St. Louis. I’m staying with my cousins during summer, like I always do. This year though, I don’t think it’ll be the same. I usually would bike to my friends house and we’d go to the pool, or get ice cream, or go to the rec. center. But this […]

5/25/2013 1 comment

HAcked

by sleeplessinSTL 5/15/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

Honestly, I’m pathetic. The last real joy in my life was a computer game. It’s just sad. The girl has hacked me twice. I’m really annoyed and frustrated. I hope she knows that she’s basically killing me. Seriously, my last joy was a GAME. I talked to people, but it’s not like I’ll ever actually meet them. Plus, my mom got mad at me because I paid for the game, and I no longer have access to the account. I’ve been trying to get it back, but the girl won’t give it. I have her email.

I’m just a girl who spends her life on the […]

5/15/2013 10 comments

Ruined Plans

by sleeplessinSTL 5/10/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

I was going to kill myself. I was going to just jump off a cliff in my home town. I had the gut to do it too. But my mom cancelled my fucking flight to my hometown.

I was so happy that I was going to see my family before I died. I didn’t want to see my adoptive mom before I killed myself, but she had to mess everything up. I hoped for a miracle that would stop me from killing myself, but not THIS. I wanted something happy to make me feel good and second guess my plans. But sheÂ cancelled my flight.

I really hate […]

5/10/2013 1 comment

I think it’s over

by sleeplessinSTL 4/9/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

I think I’m done. I just can’t do this. I’m not sure yet, but I think I’m going to try and kill myself again. Last time I failed but this time I’ll be sure to end it. I still want to see how a few things go down, but I’m pretty much sure. Not much else can go wrong and it’d take a miracal to make me happy. Everyone thinks I’m this strong person who can’t be touched by earthly problems. But I’m not. I’m just a girl who is so fucked up that it’s hard to comprehend. I already know what I’m going to […]

4/9/2013 3 comments

I’m Not You

by sleeplessinSTL 4/7/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

People tell me who to be all the time, but I’m not them. I don’t act like them, I’m so different, and I love that.

I don’t want to be society’s cookie cutter girl. I’m not a fucking stereptype who can be labeled. I’m me.

And my foster mother hates that. She wants me to be a pink princess. She wants me to marry prince charming. She doesn’t want me to even think about me having a princess charming. I’m bisexual, a tomboy, and messed up. I’m not her. She doesn’t want me to be unique. If I told her that my dream is to be a […]

4/7/2013 1 comment

Boxing

by sleeplessinSTL 4/6/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

So one of my favorite sports is boxing. It’s pretty unusual for a girl apparently, but I’m a pretty unusual girl. I’ve fallen in love with it. I’ve been boxing since I was small. Almost everyone in my tiny little town did. I guess things are much different in America than I thought.

All the guys at my gym are perverts and sexists.Â (It doesn’t help that we wear sports bras and gym shorts.) I walk into the ring and I’m greeted with whistles and comments.

Does anyone do anything about it? Does anyone tell them to knock it off or to grow up?

No. I have to […]

4/6/2013 7 comments

Pictures

by sleeplessinSTL 3/26/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

I was just going through my old pictures when I stumbled across my pictures from 2009 summer pictures. I didn’t think anything of it until I found the pictures of my friends. We spent basically the whole summer together. It made my chest hurt, just seeing my smile and all of my friends together. We haven’t really been like that since our friend Andrew killed himself.

We had our little “gang.” four girls, four guys. There was me, Kelsey, Anna, Shiney(real name), Max, Henry, Andrew, and Toby.

We were always happy and having fun. Then, when Andrew killed himself last June, it was like a piece was […]

3/26/2013 1 comment

Abuse

by sleeplessinSTL 3/24/2013

written by sleeplessinSTL

Today, I woke up in my friends house. I wasn’t shocked at all. I was actually a bit relieved. I remember last night in a blur. My adoptive “parents” yelled at me for something I don’t even remember. They were screaming at the top of their lungs. I’m not even sure why or what I did that was so wrong.

The bad part came when Brian, my “dad” raised his arm. I could’ve sworn he was gonna smack me. So, as his hand was about to hit my face i stopped him. I kicked the bastard in the groin so hard, I hope he won’t be […]

3/24/2013 1 comment

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