solace

Right now I am trying to write an essay for University.

Every now and then I’ll be really productive and write heaps, then out of no where I will just start crying my eyes out and I can’t stop.

All I can think about right now is self harming. Concentrating on this fucking essay is so hard when all I want to do is hurt myself.

If the essay wasn’t due in tomorrow I wouldn’t worry about it, I’d  go watch a movie and come back later but there is no way I could finish it that way. . . .

Fuck this.

Really depressed today.

I want to cut, I want to die. But maybe I just need a really good hug, and someone to talk to. . .

I can’t tell the difference any more. I don’t understand and can’t identify my feelings. Do I even feel anything any more?

I want to be normal.

It’s like 2pm, I’ve had a shit day and want to drink beer but my mum has someone over and i am worried they will judge me for drinking so early on a Thursday.

Society’s rules are complex and at times really stupid. I feel dumb for caring at all.

Just tried, and the razor was too blunt.

Fuck the world, seriously. It’s like the Universe has something against me.

Today i felt indifferent, as always.

I didn’t feel anything, until someone on my Facebook posted a picture of people who had cut their arms with blood pouring out making fun of the Justin Bieber thing.

Just seeing those images made me feel like cutting. All day i have been thinking about them and was distracting myself with other things.

But now i just can’t stop thinking about them and imagining myself doing it.

I’m becoming depressed and all my brain is telling me to do is “Cut, you will feel better….”

I probably won’t feel any better but it looks like i’ll cut anyway.

Fuck this.

I want to know if trying to stop self harming for others and not yourself is an effective way to stop. Because right now it’s New Years and i am tipsy, alone and all i can think about is cutting myself, deep!

Please let me know what you think. Maybe you will persuade me?

I think one of the problems i have, is that everything i feel is intense. If i am depressed, I will sink into a hopeless abyss that i can’t get out of, if i am happy (which isn’t often) i will be jumping off the walls. and being super nice and lovely.

Every emotion there is has such an effect on me. I think when it comes down to it, that is why i am SO unhappy all the time, because i am feeling unhappy with my WHOLE body… and i can’t stop it.

I watched a movie recently, called ‘Daydream Nation’, the main character Caroline pretty much […]

I feel like if i don’t cut myself right now, these overwhelming emotions will devour me.

I’m trying so hard for others to stop cutting, but none of them realise how fucking hard it is.

Why do i have to suffer like this? Constantly feeling like this is exhausting.

I want to die. Just let me die.

So, i’m seeing a counsellor at the moment, she is great. I can only see her every two weeks which is good because then we have a lot to talk about.

But i don’t feel any better, i want to cut more than anything tonight. I have so much stress in my life and i feel like i will be consumed by it soon if i don’t hurt myself soon.

I found out one of my only chances to get out of this damaging household fell through recently, so i got my iPod and just kept walking, and walking and walking. I don’t remember much but then […]

I was looking through the family camera when i seen all these photos with my dad and the rest of the family, must have been for his birthday.

But i am not there. I was not invited. When i brought it up with my mum, visibly angry  she just ignored me and told me to shut up.

They all think it’s normal and that i am ‘overreacting’. Wow.

My mum is moving house and she wants me to move in with her and my brother. Fuck that. I would rather be homeless, honestly. This environment is fucked, it’s so damaging. I want out. I need out.

I will not live much longer […]

Just stop for a moment and consider this; You Matter.
It’s a crazy thought, but you do. Nothing else needs to be said, nothing else needs to be thought

YOU matter.

I can’t handle this much longer.

I promised i would stop but tonight i am burning myself, never done it before but i need to feel something else other than this intense sadness and pain. And cutting is too hard to hide now.

I want to die. Why can’t i just be normal?

Being ignored makes me want to die.

I just want to disappear into nothing, no one would even notice.

Can my tiny voice even be heard here?