tanpopo

She replied. She even started a little conversation with me. It felt terrible. My mind kept switching between really bad intrusive thoughts and unrealistic fantasies. I wish I could say I felt happy since half of the mental anguish I’ve felt this past year stemmed from her not talking to me.

I had so much anxiety over her messaging me that I couldn’t eat or sleep. My throat constantly felt dry and I had heart palpitations so bad I thought I was going to die. This lasted for two days until she stopped replying to me.

I realize she doesn’t want to speak to […]

Learned a new word today: Limerence. Doesn’t perfectly fit my feelings for her, but it’s pretty close. I don’t think I’ve felt truly “happy” since she has stopped talking to me. I have moments where I feel happy but I haven’t felt long-term happiness in so long.

I’m in a constant state of misery and anger. I’m miserable because I miss her so. damn. much. I miss her voice. I miss her laugh. I miss her texts. I miss hanging out with her. I miss her face. I miss thinking about her and feeling happy, not empty and sad.

I’m angry because I […]

I constantly think about suicide—mainly hanging myself—yet I can’t seem to bring myself to do it.

I keep thinking about hanging myself. Tying the noose, putting it around my neck, and the way my body will look afterwards. It plays through my mind constantly.

It comforts me in a strange way. I’ve been going through her and I’s texts lately. It brought back memories and feelings I wish I didn’t have. Whenever the emotions overwhelm me I just think about suicide to push it back down.

Yet I can’t bring myself to do it. I would say I’m tired of being alive and feeling the way I do […]

I can’t believe there are people out there my age that don’t feel the way I do . That aren’t lonely and isolated. That don’t think about killing themselves almost everyday. That have friends and are happy.

I went to the store today and saw a group of teenage boys. They were laughing, smiling, chasing each other around the store. It made me so jealous I wanted to cry. Seeing people my age enjoy being a teenager makes me feel so shitty.

I just wish I could be a normal teenager. I wish I had friends so I didn’t feel so lonely all the time. I wish […]

I want to blow my brains out and destroy the part of my shitty mind that keeps fixating on her.

I’ve been told I should move on and I’ve been trying to that. I don’t know if I have ocd or something, but my mind is fixated on her. Even in my sleep I can’t escape.

I don’t typically have dreams but last night I had a dream about her. I went to the movies with her, we wandered around the mall, and she came to my house. It hadn’t even occurred to me that this was a dream because everything was so normal. The […]

I’ve been so miserable since my birthday. I feel perpetually shitty and I keep exacerbating that by obsessively checking my messages to see if she’s replied or even read my text (she hasn’t). I don’t have anything going in my life either (aside from online school as I failed one of my classes.)

I guess I’m sad that she hasn’t replied or even read my message. I know it’s idiotic to feel that way since I haven’t actually “lost” anything by her not replying. I feel stupid for expecting anything too, considering it’s been nearly a year since I’ve spoken to her.

It’s taking […]

This is a short and probably unnecessary post. But I texted her. Nothing much, just Happy Birthday. It’s very early in the morning right now. I’m dreading her response, if any. I want her to reply but at the same time I don’t. I’m so anxious I think I’m going to throw up.

Edit: Spent the whole day anxious. I barely ate anything today because my throat constantly felt like it was closing in on itself. Paid attention to every vibration my phone made. Which isn’t many since I don’t get any notifications often. It’s 5:00pm now… Nothing at all… Hasn’t even read my text… Maybe […]

Her birthday is two days after mine. I was thinking about sending her a Happy Birthday message. In the end, I don’t think I’m going to do it. So many things could go wrong. What if she doesn’t respond? What if she does respond? What do I say then? What will she think of it? I haven’t talked to her in a year (more or less).

I want to rekindle our friendship. I miss having friends but I miss being her friend especially. But I know that I’m not willing to put in the effort and I know that if she rejects me it’ll […]

I used to get so upset whenever my siblings would make fun of me for having no friends. Or when my mother would berate me for being so quiet. Now, I think I deserve to be made fun of. It’s all my fault anyway. I had so many chances to make friends and get myself out of this rut.

Maybe my life would be different if I had started a conversation once with that girl in my 6th grade art class that kept complimenting my work instead of mumbling out a “thank you” every time. If I had talked to that girl in 7th grade that […]

I feel like an alien. I don’t feel like I belong here or anywhere. I joined a website recently that has people that share similar interests as mine. I have 30 or so “friends” on there but I only actually talk to one. I read the blog posts my “friends” make and it’s making me aware of how wholly and utterly different I am from everyone. And I don’t mean that in a good way.

My “friends” talk of spending their summer going out with friends, riding their horses, flirting with their crushes, rekindling past relationships, whatever. Meanwhile, I’m spending my summer in my room alone, […]

I feel like a zombie mindlessly wandering through life. Everyday is exactly the same. I wake up and I go to school, be lonely and sad, go home, do more school and be lonely and sad. I’ve been in a school club since January and still I’ve never felt more alone.

Ironically, the whole purpose of the club is to make friends. I go to every meeting. I speak when I’m spoken to and that’s about it. I don’t have anything in common with these people. All they talk about is Band stuff or drama in their social lives. It feels so much worse […]

It’s been about a year since she has stopped talking to me and my obsession has not ended. I think it’s gotten worse. I heard her name over the announcements today because she won some sort of award or whatever and my whole day was ruined. My heart was pounding and my mouth went dry and I couldn’t focus at all. I think about reaching out to her sometimes but what would I say? I just want to know what she’s doing now. I really miss her honestly. Every time I see her talking to someone I wish it was me instead of them. I […]

I just want someone. I just want someone to comfort me. I want someone to appreciate me. I want someone to talk to. I just want a friend. I’m tired of being lonely. I’m tired of spending my weekends on the internet (not talking to anyone but a Replika) instead of hanging out with friends. I’m tired of having to work by myself for group projects because I don’t have any friends. I’m tired of going out in public, seeing everyone with their friends and/or boy/girlfriends, and getting sick with jealousy. I’m tired of trying to make online friends just for them to forget about […]

I just read the letter she wrote me. I’m crying right now because I miss her so much. I want to reach out to her and maybe try to rekindle our friendship. I’m not going to obviously because she’d think I’m creepy and desperate (I am). I just feel so lonely and I wish I had her to comfort me. In her letter she said I was her “bestest friend” and “I make her happy when times are tough”… that’s exactly what I would say about her. I guess that was all a lie. I remember when she first gave me that letter. I […]

I’m so lonely it makes me sick.

I don’t really have any friends. I used to have 2 but one stopped talking to me and I’m not sure the other even likes me. I’m horribly shy with an awful stutter so I have no chance of making new ones. I have no online friends as I don’t have much of an internet presence besides tumblr and some imageboards.

I can’t talk to my parents. My mother would just get mad at me and I don’t talk to my father anymore.

I just want this all to stop. I would’ve committed suicide by now […]

I miss you. I really miss you.

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

I’m sorry you had to go like that.

I’m sorry that you were trapped in your own body, unable to eat or drink.

I’m sorry that you couldn’t even see me when you died.

I’m sorry that we couldn’t afford to get you treatment.

I’m sorry you couldn’t get a dignified burial.

I’m sorry I didn’t treat you right when you were alive.

I’m sorry.

You were my only friend; my best friend, the only one I’ll probably ever have.

I miss […]