thehusk

I don’t want to change. I don’t want to get better. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life desperately clinging on to my self-control. I want to be free to be my same old self-indulgent shitty self.

But I’m terrified of letting go of the possibility of change. Because old me wasn’t happy. It desperately wanted things beyond it’s grasp. And I know it’s not going to end well. I’m going to end up homeless, and alone, or in jail, or worse.

But it feels like I’m always going to be alone either way. I’m always going to struggle to get by socially. I’m […]

I have so many conflicting desires, impulses, feelings, and perceptions. I can feel that something is the most wonderful and important thing in the world, and a few hours later it will seem terrible and utterly worthless. My motivations and emotions fluctuate so much from day to day. My perspective on reality swings back and forth at a terrifying rate. I don’t know how to live with it.

How do you act in a coherent way when you know that in a few hours your thinking will shift, and you will want to undo any progress that you’ve made? That your beliefs about what is important […]

On the one hand, I don’t think I want to change enough. Or at least not consistently enough to ever make progress. I feel like I’m pretending, going through the motions. Trying to convince my therapist (and myself) that I’m really trying. And at times I really do think that I’m trying. But it just feels so utterly hopeless, and pointless. And it’s such a relief to give up, every time.

I don’t know how to cope with the stuff in my head. So much fear and regret, shame and guilt, longing and desire, frustration and anger. The reality I perceive utterly terrifies me. And I […]

I don’t know how to let go of myself – all of the stupid things about me that cause needless suffering. A part of me keeps insisting that reality magically reshape itself to fit my will. And of course it won’t. Things will never be ideal. They will never fit with the ideas I have of what is acceptable. All you can do is reshape yourself to try to adjust to that reality.

But my ego is just too fucking stubborn. I don’t know how to exist without those preconceived ideas. It’s like trying to navigate without a map. Everything just seems empty and meaningless, and […]

I’ve never worked out how to cope with this feeling, beyond trying to numb it with more damaging behavior. I just feel so…bad, in a way I don’t know how to express. I don’t know if it’s even guilt or remorse. But whenever anyone’s kind or compassionate towards me, it just reinforces to me how utterly worthless I am. Because I don’t deserve any kindness or compassion. And they wouldn’t be saying those things if they knew the truth about me.

The truth is, I shouldn’t exist. I don’t even deserve a peaceful death. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to burn in hell. If anyone […]

I can’t really explain why, but my response to learning more about how the world & society operates was deciding I didn’t want to take part. Maybe it’s that I was too idealistic as a child, and too engaged in stories and fantasy. Maybe it was that I had a false sense of pride. Perhaps I had it too easy when I was young. But on encountering my own low status and the way I was perceived by others, my response was not to struggle to better myself. It was to opt out. And I’ve continued on with that all my life.

I don’t know if […]

I don’t know how to deal with the stuff in my head. I know it’s wrong, but it feels so right, so essential. I’m so tired of dealing with that contradiction, that conflict. I’ve broken myself, and now I’m too attached to that brokenness to let go of it. I’m such a fucking waste of life. I just want to go back, and do it all differently. Or live in a different reality, where my instincts aren’t so utterly screwed up, and are morally acceptable. But really, it would just be better if someone without a completely twisted mind were here in my place, and […]

I don’t know how many time I’ve written variations on this post, then forgotten it’s meaning. My mind quickly wipes away the painful understanding contained. It hides it from me.

I am utterly, hopelessly lost. I can’t ever connect with another person, because I could never bear for someone to really know me. Because who I really am is terrible. So I am alone. I will always be alone. Even when surrounded by people who think they love me. They don’t. They love an idea of me. Perhaps who I once was, before I did all this. I am separated from everyone by the persistent knowledge […]

I can’t keep anything straight in my mind for more than a few hours. I don’t want to die. But I don’t know how to live with myself. It’s been over 10 years now, and I’ve only made it worse. It’s like this festering wound that I made in my mind, and I can’t stop picking at it. And every time I do I dig it a little deeper.

But scratching it is the only thing that really feels good anymore. Resisting it just leaves me feeling utterly empty. Resisting it means acknowledging the reality, and I don’t know how to do that. Because the reality […]

I should be better. I should do better. I want to be less awful. I want not to feel so awful.

I don’t want to change. I don’t want to face reality. Fuck reality. Fuck everyone.

Fuck me. I should end it. It’s hopeless.

I’m scared. I don’t want to let go. What if it goes wrong? What if things get worse?

I hate myself. Through your eyes, I loathe myself. Through the parts of myself that I want to see in you I detest myself.

I love myself. In my eyes I am master of the universe. I am the ubermensch.

I am a pathetic and socially maladjusted ape with […]

I am such a waste of life. My mind twists and distorts everything, and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know if I want it to stop. Maybe I’m too attached to the fucked up meanings I put on everything to ever let it go. I waste so much time and emotion thinking about all the good things that I’ll never have, and regretting the things I could’ve had, rather than just appreciating the things I do have, or working towards what’s still possible. But I don’t know how to let go of that – the emotional pull is too strong. It’s like […]

It’s hard to see meaning in life when you’re a monster. I mean, you can dedicate yourself to becoming the best monster you can be, to reducing your monstrosity from this point forward. But you’re still going to be a fucking monster. You still belong in a cage. There are no cookies for trying to walk things back a little, not after you’ve crossed so many unforgivable lines. There’s no way back. There’s nothing you can do from this point on to make you morally acceptable. And sure, people may encourage you to try, if they can put their anger and disgust to one side […]

But I won’t. I’m too scared of letting go. Which is stupid, because my only function in life is to make myself miserable. To constantly remind myself what a worthless pathetic monster I am. Because fuck me.

There’s no out here. There’s no redemption story. There’s no getting better. There’s only fuck you, you worthless piece of shit. Wallow in the mess you’ve made of your life, and then die, sad & alone.

I should put myself out of my own misery. That would be the rational thing to do. I’ve fucked things up too much to ever come back from it. The only thing left to […]

I’ve spent so much of my life trying to escape reality. At first it was just brief instances, after upsetting events. But over the years it became an increasingly all-encompassing habit, to the extent that now I find myself desperate for a way out every single night.

I reach a point where I’m so tired that all my regret, sadness, longing, loneliness, and frustrated desires just overwhelm me, and I can’t distance myself from them any longer. I just find myself thinking ‘how the fuck is this my life?’ And I don’t know how to handle that, when I’m in that state. I’m too tired to […]

What the fuck am I doing? Spending all this money and time and effort on therapy, when deep down all I want is to go back to getting as much of a buzz as I can for as long as possible. Except that’s not all I want. I also want love, and intimacy, and some kind of relationship. And the two don’t really seem to be compatible.

But even if I do somehow manage to change, it’s not like it’s going to magically remove the barriers to those things. I’ll still be fucked. Just marginally less fucked. And worse, then I’ll be clear headed enough to […]

Nothing feels meaningful or significant. Nothing feels worthwhile. I’m just living because…I’m scared of letting go.

The problem is in me, I know. My maladapted brain, that sees the world as hollow and pointless. Everyone else seems quite capable of finding purpose and fulfillment in life.

But once you’re outside of that, it feels almost impossible to invest in it. Everything you try seems artificial and empty, and nothing leaves a mark in your mind.

Thing is, life without some kind of positive focus feels unbearable. Without a story to tell itself, the mind gets trapped in every negative emotion that comes along.

I’ve wasted so much of my life wanting what I can’t have, instead of focusing on what I could have. But I don’t know how to stop – these longings and desires are driven so deep into my brain, and I don’t know how to let go of them. Things that feel so right one minute, yet so terrible the next. That convince that they are the only things worth pursuing in life, yet later appear to be dangerous fantasies.

I’ve been numbing these parts of me for years, but that only works to a certain extent, and it brings other problems. Over time, it saps […]

There’s this side of me that is just pure evil – that shouldn’t be allowed to exist in the world. And try as I might, I do not have it under control. No matter what I resolve, what diversions I try to put in place, at some point, a switch will flip. And I will not care anymore. It will take over. And I will want to give in to it. That’s the uncanny thing about evil…it feels really fucking good – like the most essential, natural, wonderful thing you could imagine. And for a time, it will dominate my thinking. And every time that happens, […]

I’m tired, of being me. I want so badly not to face this reality anymore. I don’t know how to stop causing myself suffering. I just want to numb the awareness of it away. But nothing works anymore. I am the problem. My thoughts, feelings, experience of the world. But I don’t know how to change all that brokenness. I’m too attached…it’s all that I am. I’ve trapped myself in a loop of despair, and it only ends when something kills me.

Can’t commit suicide because…fear? Laziness? Self-delusion that it will somehow all work out ok? Survival instinct?

Can’t escape into addictions because…therapy? Tiredness? Need to believe that change is possible? Fear of the regret that comes when you realize that you’ve done it again?

Can’t stand living anymore because…overwhelming self-hatred? Crippling shame? Utter worthlessness? Complete psychological isolation? Undeniable guilt? Absence of hope? Hatred & resentment of humanity? Thwarted narcissism? Inability to see meaning in my life?

= the human equivalent of vomit.

Still, I’m sure it can get worse. So I should probably be appreciating this lovely pit I’ve dug for myself.