Author

thehusk

I wish I had been someone different.

by thehusk 2/25/2015

written by thehusk

I want somebody to be with. I don’t deserve it. Right now it feels like I have no chance with anyone. But that doesn’t stop me wanting it.

I’ve completely fucked up my life, beyond repair. But that doesn’t stop me obsessing over what could have been.

I signed up to an online dating site, more from desperation than anything. The matchmaking system threw up a woman who seems ideal – warm, nice-looking, geeky, down to earth, clever, quirky. I keep looking at her profile, re-reading her answers to questions, wanting to message her. But what would I say?

‘Hi, you seem like just the kind of woman […]

2/25/2015 5 comments

Alone

by thehusk 2/5/2015

written by thehusk

I’ve done bad things. I mean really, seriously bad. Not the ‘everybody makes mistakes’ sort, but the kind you don’t get forgiven for. It’s been a while since I was at my worst, but if I’m honest I haven’t really changed. In the right circumstances, I would do it again. That part of me is still there, and although rationally I know that giving in to it won’t make me happy, if I get desperate enough all bets are off.

Of course there’s always a price. I don’t think I can ever be myself again, with anyone. I can’t reveal who or what I really am, […]

2/5/2015 2 comments

Questions

by thehusk 1/30/2015

written by thehusk

There are times when I feel like I want to destroy the whole world – to obliterate everyone who’s life isn’t as wretched as mine – to bring it all to an end. If I can’t be happy, why should anyone else?

In my less childish moments, I suppose I believe that it’s good that human life exists. That there are many people who enjoy friendship, fall in love, pursue things that seem meaningful to them. Even if that necessitates there being people like me, who can’t experience those things, and feel their absence. Even if there are people who experience unendurable agony for long periods […]

1/30/2015 5 comments

I keep thinking I can’t bear it anymore. But I’m scared of the alternatives.

by thehusk 1/4/2015

written by thehusk

I’m such an asshole. I hate being around people, especially at work. They’re always in the way. And I haven’t worked out a way to ask them to move without feeling angry. I try to be polite, but my face seems to betray me – ‘I hate you for not having the self-consciousness to realise you’re in my way, I hate that I have to ask you to move just so I can do my job, and I hate myself that this is how I’m spending my life.’

Or people try to make small talk. There’s reasons I don’t want to talk about myself. I feel […]

1/4/2015 2 comments

Best way to block it all out

by thehusk 11/22/2014

written by thehusk

I’m looking for a short term coping mechanism that allows me to remain functional and that won’t lead to a downward spiral that damages my family – something I can keep hidden, and that won’t ruin my health and make things harder long term.

I don’t fancy cutting – I don’t like scars, or the sight of my own blood.

I’ve never found alcohol particularly effective, and the lives of alcoholics seem to unravel frequently.

Likewise, other recreational drugs seem to lead to a downward spiral. I don’t wan’t to end up on the street, or forcing my family to intervene, or getting a criminal record.

I haven’t really […]

11/22/2014 11 comments

Happiness

by thehusk 11/19/2014

written by thehusk

For the time being, I am here. Death scares me enough to make life seem worth enduring. But you can’t live like that, day to day. You can’t live purely to postpose the negative. The mind needs something positive to drive it.

So…happiness. Peace. Being truly present in the moment, without feeling the need for a way out. Feeling comfortable in your own skin. Feeling truly glad that you, and the world around you, exist.

It’s been a long time. I haven’t felt able to be myself around people or really enjoy their company since I was 10 (17 years). I haven’t felt good about the world, […]

11/19/2014 0 comment

Life goes so fast. Why throw it away?

by thehusk 9/14/2014

written by thehusk

What do I want to do with my brief time on this wonderful planet? I mean life goes so fast. Why throw it away?

Except that all I really want right now is to not feel this anymore. Loneliness. Fear. Isolation. Loss. Self-hatred. Longing. Emptiness. Anger.

There are so many interesting things I could be doing with my time. But nothing means anything anymore. Nothing feels worthwhile. Whatever I’m doing, my underlying feelings remain focused on the life I can’t live.

How can you function, and not descend into destructive behavior, when regardless of what you do, there’s this hole inside sucking in all your attention?

Drinking doesn’t help. […]

9/14/2014 1 comment

Hollow

by thehusk 9/8/2014

written by thehusk

I’m so tired of living without purpose. Everything is just empty. There is no goal. No imagined future point at which things might be ok again.

I am alone. And I don’t mean physically. I mean morally. I am outside the human community. Everyone I interact with would have to reject me if they knew what I had done, and what I am.

What I have done is unacceptable by anyone, no matter how understanding or well meaning. No one can truly know me, accept me, love me. I am utterly alone. For the rest of my existence.

It is wrong for me to continue to live. And […]

9/8/2014 4 comments

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