For any metal lovers out there. Makes me feel there’s a kind of strength to be found in facing the hopelessness you feel.
Just heard this for the first time. Thought it belonged here.
I don’t even know if you really like me. You seem to put an unusual amount of effort into trying to talk to me, but maybe that’s just the way you are. Maybe you’re just nice. You are nice. Always. Even when you seem miserable. Not in a shiny, happy, fake way, but a sad, resigned, kind way. You’re probably the most enthusiastic person I know, and you put so much effort into weird little gestures that no one really appreciates. It’s like you actually care or something. I don’t see that often. Sensitive people are rare around here.
I catch myself wanting to stop work and look […]
So I’m considering going back into therapy, but am anxious about contacting anyone, and want to make things as clear as possible starting out, before I get caught up in my normal habit of trying to hide how pathetic I really am.
I was thinking something along the lines of:
Hi there,
I’m considering returning to therapy/counselling after several years. I consistently find myself feeling that my life has no value, and waste most of my time and energy in a cycle of questioning these feelings. Although I’m not actively suicidal or impulsive, this cycle causes me considerable distress and greatly inhibits my functioning.
I’m not sure it’s necessarily that I […]
What is it that keeps dragging me back to this point, wondering whether it’s worth living?
In short, fear. My constant companion, though it fluctuates. Sometimes the intense panic of social anxiety. Others the restless despair of a perceived future. It gnaws away in the back of my mind when I try to relax or enjoy myself. It chases me through my dreams.
It is always there, telling me that something is terribly wrong, requiring all my attention – that nothing else can be enjoyed until it is resolved.
So, what is it that I’m so afraid of? At route, it’s that who I am is fundamentally unacceptable to other […]
I’m thinking about going back to therapy/counselling, as a way of trying to resolve my suicidal thoughts.
It’s not so much that I want to change, more that I want to clarify what I’m living for, and if that’s really a good choice.
I keep telling myself that suicide would be a terrible thing to do to my parents, and that my life’s not really that bad, but all it takes is a few days at work to make me miserable, and I start feeling like I can’t go on anymore. It’s become a weekly cycle.
I guess I’m looking to resolve those conflicting feelings – either to […]
What do you do, with the pain – the despair. When you come to believe that it’s not just a passing phase, or something for you to overcome. When it’s been 8 long years rather than 6 months. When your hope is gone, and you can’t think of anything else to try. When you come to accept that this is who you are, and likely always will be. When doing even basic things is a struggle, because nothing seems worthwhile, and your brain won’t focus on anything.
When you won’t end it, because you can’t do that to your parents – who sacrificed so much, and […]
My life is defined by fear. It is always there, at the back of my mind. It’s hard to live with. A part of you always telling you that something is terribly wrong, and you need to drop everything, this instant, to resolve the threat.
What am I so afraid of? There’s all the normal stuff, of course. Death, aging, disease, violence. But beyond that, I’m afraid that I can never experience a meaningful relationship, or really connect with anyone. That my life will always be this empty lie, trying to hide how worthless I am from those around me. Never facing the world honestly, or […]
Mistakes. Lots of them. Year after year, I’ve made progressively shittier choices. I’ve spent the majority of my life acting and thinking in really dumb ways. I allowed myself to become fixated on what was beyond my reach, rather than appreciating the actual possibilities right in front of me. I was so consumed by what I wasn’t that I wasted what I could have been.
Of course, there were reasons for all of it. I didn’t understand then what I know now. If circumstances had been even slightly different, it all might have turned out another way. I might have lived a worthwhile life.
The choices, the […]
I’m trying to accept that I’ll never have a conventionally meaningful life (see previous posts for why.) I may feel this completely alone for the rest of my time in this world, even if I’m with someone. I will never be acceptable to others as I truly am, or part of any community. No one will ever really know me.
Ending my life still seems wrong though. While it would stop my suffering, it would inflict similar pain on my parents, who certainly don’t deserve it. Ruining 2 lives (3 including my sister) to end my own brokenness doesn’t make sense.
The question then becomes how to get through the next 30 […]
I think most people like to think themselves essentially good. They’ve made mistakes. Maybe seriously hurt others along the way. But deep down inside, they mean well.
Suppose you come to realize that what really motivates you is rotten – that it comes from a place of hatred, resentment, fear and selfishness. And as a result you do awful, unforgivable things. Acts that mean others would no longer see you as human, if they knew. What then?
I’m fairly sure that most would feel compelled to end their lives, if they found themselves acting as I have. But then most would never do such things in the first place. When you […]
I’m coming to the end of 18 days off. I don’t want to go back. I hate it so much. It’s a constant reminder of how isolated I am. I feel so anxious while I’m there. I can barely function, and people treat me like I’m stupid as a result. And it doesn’t even pay enough to build any kind of life.
But I can’t think of a real alternative. I just want it to stop. I can’t bear the thought of another year wasted there, miserable.
Since I was 12 or 13 (over half my life ago), my mind has been consumed to an ever increasing extent by longing. By lust. Though I like to tell myself it’s love – that it’s somehow special.
Behind all my other thoughts is the constant desire to be with whoever I’m most attracted to at the time. Not to be in a real relationship, but to be with the idealised version of them that I’ve created in my head.
This is obviously pretty destructive, since it identifies meaning and happiness with a virtually impossible ideal. But I don’t feel like I can let it go. Something […]
It’s safe to say I’ve fucked up my life pretty thoroughly. To the point where it feels like there’s no way back. This is who I am. It’s not some temporary blip. It’s a consistent reflection of my thoughts and feelings.
I’m so far outside normal human life that it’s scary. I turned 28 last week, but a large part of my thinking and behaviour is still trapped in childhood. And I can’t see any way to catch up now. I can fake a degree of social confidence for a while, but it’s easy to see through. I haven’t developed any of the skills that most […]
This is my current muddled understanding of my situation.
A part of my brain (we’ll call it the emotional part) constantly tells me that something is wrong. I am not what I should be. I do not relate well socially. I do not have social status. I do not have real friends. I do not have a mate. I do not have children. I do not anticipate this changing. This is a problem, apparently.
Why is this a problem? The only reasons I can give are evolutionary – that my brain is a product of a process that elevates those who can maintain good social standing, relate […]
I think most people have some idea of a ‘worthwhile life’. Maybe it involves being in love. Raising a family. Or close friends. Fulfilling work. Expressing yourself creatively. Or just enjoying yourself – sex, drugs, rock & roll (or whatever else floats your boat.)
But for some of us, those meaningful things seem out of reach, or we’re prevented from enjoying them by obstacles. Perhaps we believe ourselves incapable (or undeserving) of love or friendship. Unable to connect with others. Or we’re crippled by extreme social anxiety, and unable to function. Weighed down by feelings of loss or loneliness. Maybe we suffer from chronic pain and […]
Round and round it goes in my head. Can’t kill myself. Can’t do that to my family. I owe them everything, and it would destroy them.
But can’t go on living with this overwhelming sadness. Can’t keep going through the motions. Can’t keep pretending I have a life. Can’t stand this longing anymore. Can’t go on being alone, but can never feel any real connection with anyone. Can’t keep hating myself, but can’t be anything better, no mattter how hard I try. Can’t keep fighting a battle I’m never going to win. Can’t bear to be the one who everyone pities anymore, a worthless loser. Can’t […]
Most of my life is dominated by fear. So why not lay it out. What’s the worst thing that I can imagine?
I suppose it’s experiencing neverending pain, torment, horror, terror etc. That’s what ideas of hell tend to invoke. It’s hard to imagine feeling that kind of extreme negative emotion non-stop, for all eternity. Surely you’d become numb to any kind of torture, given enough time. But I can’t dismiss it entirely. The idea of hell has a deep grip on a part of my psyche. Because it feels I deserve that kind of punishment. I can’t really square that with my rational side. I […]
I can’t get no sleep
Ok, so that’s an exaggeration. Even on the worst nights, I usually manage 1-2 hours. What I mean to say is that I can’t get enough sleep to function properly. During my work week, I spend most of the time wandering around in a haze, zombified, narrowly avoiding bumping into people, longing for the day to end. But then the night finally comes, and I just can’t get to sleep at a reasonable hour, no matter how tired I am.
I feel like I’ve tried all the standard advice. Sticking to routines, exercise, limiting technology use, changing my diet, meditation, yoga, warm […]
Round and round it all goes in my head. I don’t think I can live a meaningful life. And that hurts. So I think I want to end it. But that would destroy my family, and I can’t do that to them. So I’m left with this pain. Which just feels……unbearable. And I can’t think of anything that will make it stop. I would cry, but it doesn’t help.
So, this pain, for the rest of my life. It seems to get worse as I get older, and further away from a time when I had hope.
I guess the only question is how I want to […]