What is it that keeps dragging me back to this point, wondering whether it’s worth living?
In short, fear. My constant companion, though it fluctuates. Sometimes the intense panic of social anxiety. Others the restless despair of a perceived future. It gnaws away in the back of my mind when I try to relax or enjoy myself. It chases me through my dreams.
It is always there, telling me that something is terribly wrong, requiring all my attention – that nothing else can be enjoyed until it is resolved.
So, what is it that I’m so afraid of? At route, it’s that who I am is fundamentally unacceptable to other people. I can imagine building a life that seems superficially worthwhile – friends, partner, career, maybe even kids. But I can’t imagine anybody I involved in my life actually being ok with who I really am. I will always be acting – hiding who I really am – knowing that the truth would bring rejection and abandonment. I will never be genuinely close to anyone, always alone, even if I’m with someone.
I keep trying to resolve myself to that idea – to travelling through a life of superficial relationships, never revealing my true self to anyone.
But I’m not sure it’s possible, unless you’re a complete psychopath. I think some degree of acceptance (from someone) is a necessary component of wellbeing. We’re social creatures, and a part of us needs to feel that those close to us accept us as we really are, and will stick with us through thick and thin, as our weaknesses are revealed by tough times. To feel really part of a group. It seems like a necessary aspect of a worthwhile life, perhaps the only really necessity. I’m not sure the human mind can accept it’s absence.
The obvious response to such a feeling would be to change the self, so that it’s acceptable to others. But I’m not sure how. My past actions (and the reasons behind those actions) mark me as someone unworthy of human kindness, whatever I do from this point. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to have anything to do with me, if they knew the truth. I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me.
I have changed my behavior somewhat. But I’m still the same person. I still want to act in that way again. And I don’t know how to change that. I might never do it again, but the desire will still be there. What seems fundamentally right and good to a deep part of me is abhorrent. How do you change what you want? I can recognize rationally that something is deeply wrong, yet still want it intensely.
I try to numb the fear of it – but there’s only so much you can do while remaining functional. And it’s not really living – just surviving.
What’s a sensible response to a life of fear?
13 comments
Typical response is avoidance. Always bad in the long term. Rational response? Mine is named Paxil, that really helps me with the social phobia and obsessive worrying about tomorrow. Of course I need to see a real therapist, too. Getting there, I promise.
You post made me smile because part of read like an old joke: I refuse to be in a club that would have someone like me as a member.
The ego is magical; no matter how much you change you always feel like yourself. Heck, I can name an extreme example right now. I’m 55 but I feel like I’m still that 13 year old kid I once was. Seriously.
You are a very intelligent human bean, but trying to out think depression is nigh well impossible. Depression/fear screws with your ability to rationally asses yourself and plays havoc with your ability to predict the future. I would suggest going to Wikipedia and reading The 12 Steps. It’s sort of a roadmap for living for people that are addicted, but it works for fear and depression, too. I use it as a meditative exercise.
Lastly, I think the older you get the easier it is to find non-judgemental people to talk to face to face. Revealing your true self isn’t so hard as long as you aren’t into reading chicken entrails or listening to Coldplay.
These were my random thoughts and I more or less approve this comment.
Avoidance hasn’t got me anywhere. But then neither has trying to face things, really. Never been on Paxil. Citalopram, Fluoxetine, & Setraline (all SSRIs) did nothing but screw up my digestion, although maybe I was on too low a dose.
A club (or whole society) of people like me would not be a nice place. I would not want to be a member. And yet recognizing that doesn’t change me.
There’s something to the addiction model as a way of coping. But sticking with it, when you don’t believe in a higher power, have no sponsor, and don’t feel that anything you do can ever make amends for your past actions is pretty tough. On Monday I was resolved to be a new man, compassionately controlling my actions and channeling my negative emotions into positive outlets. By Tuesday I was exhausted and once again looking for a way out. Wednesday sees me back at despair. And round it goes……..
In the grand scheme of things it’s pretty low on my list of embarrassing admissions, but I actually quite like Coldplay. Their wistful radio-friendly indie-pop provides a nice counterbalance to my love of Scandinavian Death Metal.
Thank you for your random thoughts. Always interesting.
Isolation. I keep to myself. I can’t get close to anyone in relationships either because if I revealed everything about myself, no one would want me. Only my ex boyfriend knew every single thing about me. It made me fear he pitied me for the most part.
I learned for sure that relationships aren’t for me. I didn’t want to keep up with going out and being around his family. They were normal, happy people. A relationship is a lot of work, especially if you don’t feel like playing pretend and putting on a mask. Oh and then there are all the holidays, you’re expected to get gifts and show up for this and that family get-together. Ugh! Thank God I’m free from that burden now. Maybe I’m just doomed to be alone.
Hi, on the off chance you see this – what was your ex’s response to the things you told him? Did he actually openly reject you because of them? Do you think that’s really an accurate reading of his feelings for you, or just you projecting your fears onto him? And even if he did pity you, would that mean he didn’t want you because of what’s happened in your life? There are worse things than pity (or sympathy) – disgust, hatred, etc. There are plenty of people I feel bad for who are nevertheless appealing. It’s when you put yourself beyond sympathy and compassion that you’re really screwed.
I think there’s lots of people that don’t want to deal with socialising with extended family, holidays etc. Don’t see why you couldn’t find another, with a bit of searching, if that’s what you wanted. Then you can be introverted and socially anxious together, and isolate yourselves from the bits of the world you don’t want to deal with.
He did not reject me when I told him things about myself and my family. He was very understanding. This is why I clung to the relationship even though it got to the point I wasn’t even interested in him anymore. This relationship carried on for years and years. I was passionate, in love and interested at first. He was my best friend also. I felt like no one else would ever accept me for me like he did. When we broke up in the past, I pursued him because I still felt love and thought he was the love of my life. So we got back together. I’ve been hating myself and my life more and more over the year and it reflected in my relationship. I couldn’t be happy when I was with him. I didn’t want to see his family, but always had to see his mother because he lived with her. Everything annoyed me.
He battled depression too. Towards the end, both of us were easily irritable and miserable. It finally came to a head and that was that. It hurt more losing him the first time because I still loved him. After breaking up the second time, there was relief. It had run its course.
I really don’t know what my point is. I just know I get tired of seeing people on a regular basis and don’t always feel well so a serious relationship may not be in the cards for me. Maybe just a casual relationship where you’re not expected to see each other on a consistent basis.
Also, his family is the type that usually planned get-togethers on holidays and certain occasions. It was just expected. There were times he wanted me to go with him, but I really wasn’t up for it. This made me feel guilty for not always being able to go to all his family events. Sometimes, he didn’t want to go either. But it was just knowing there was always going to be some expected get-together and I was a disappointment if I didn’t feel like going with him. Who needs it… It wore me out over the years.
Doesn’t the fact that he accepted those things about you suggest that others might still want to be with you? Unless you think he was wrong to do so? Surely there’s some hope in that, however many people you fear might reject the real you?
I get not wanting to be around people 24/7 in the traditional relationship style. I do think it’s possible to feel close to someone without needing to live with them, see them every day, socialize together etc. Some people need lots of space. It’s just another quality to look for – there are certainly many out there who feel the same. I don’t see why you couldn’t work out something loose/casual that was still meaningful – that made you feel like you had someone who cared, when you needed them, without the unnecessary obligations associated with traditional relationships.
Hey, you’re right. There is a chance someone else would accept me. It took a while to find someone accepting like him. I remember wanting to give up completely before meeting him because I was sick of feeling rejected. It really beat me down.
I believe there is someone out there who will accept you for who you are as well! It just takes time and persistence to find the right person if that’s what you want. You seem like a really cool person! I know you see yourself in a certain way, but it doesn’t mean it’s true.
Rejection is tough. I guess maybe all you can do is try to remember that you are acceptable – as established by past relationship – and if some can’t handle your truth, it doesn’t mean you’re wrong – just that you’re not compatible. Then maybe it’s less you being not good enough, but them not being what you’re looking for. Hope you find someone that gives you what you need.
I want to believe that I’ll find someone. So badly. But I just can’t. If there really was someone that could accept who I am, I don’t think I’d want to be with them. It feels like they’d have to be so completely desperate, to have given up on any idea of normal human decency or wider morality – that they’d take anyone with a pulse. That’s not love. I don’t think I’d want to be with someone who could be ok with who I am and what I’ve done. A few things really just aren’t ok.
I want to believe that deep down, I’m a really nice guy. But the evidence, from my actions, my feelings, and the moral reasoning of wider society, suggests otherwise. Which is not to say that I can’t be really nice most of the time. Just that my inner shitlord is usually the one subconsciously pulling the strings.
Sounds like you’re being way too hard on yourself! I think about my self-destructive behavior during the last part of my relationship and I cringe!!! We can always work on fixing certain things about ourselves. I hope you’re able to forgive yourself and have a fulfilling relationship some day. *HUGS*
I wish that were the case. Self-destructive behavior primarily threatens your own wellbeing, or those whose care for you leaves them exposed. The unacceptable parts of me threaten the wellbeing of others. I don’t feel like I should forgive myself.
But thank you for your kind words.
Oh, you said “What’s a sensible response to fear?” Guess I don’t really have an answer for that. Anti-anxiety medicine can be a lifesaver if you don’t overdo it.
I used to hold onto the hope that who I am would never have to be disclosed because I convinced myself that everything bad about me was because of how society treated me. I told myself that if I ever had a relationship that all the bad would vanish and I’d somehow be reborn but I’m just a foolish idiot. Now I just indulge in all the badness no matter how harmful to me and I accept that I’ll never have any relationship. If I become too tortured from all the badness I simply pull he pin then. I do hope you can find some peace or acceptance.