thehusk

Most days I wake up in this haze of irrational anger and hatred. I literally spend hours where pretty much my only thought is “I want to kill everyone. I want to destroy everything.”

Now obviously, that’s not within my power. I’m not a super-villain. But it’s the sentiment that’s confusing. Because deep down, it’s not really that I want to hurt people. I don’t want to take life from anyone who finds it meaningful, however much I may envy and resent them. I’m not a sadist.

At the core, I think I just desperately want not to exist anymore. To not be this mind that I […]

This post is mainly written for the purpose of self-clarification (like all my posts really). Every day is Groundhog Day, and through denial I continually forget what I am and what I’m doing here.

Being caught between the conclusion that my life is worthless, and the aversion to following through with what that conclusion implies. That’s the space I exist in. Despair, depression. “Everything is pointless, so why do anything?” And “I shouldn’t exist anymore.” But also “death is terrifying, so don’t take the necessary measures to kill yourself.”

My life is “worthless” in my own, subjective terms. I don’t believe myself to be capable of being […]

I know there’s things I should be doing. So, so many things. Enough to occupy several lifetimes. Instead, I do nothing. Day after day. I don’t have it in me, to push myself to do anything even remotely challenging. What’s the point? Will I be happy on the other side? Will I feel any better? I can’t imagine feeling better. I can’t imagine not being filled with regret, fear, anger, hatred, and despair. I can’t imagine trying to go to sleep without this deep sense of wrongness.

I should probably try something radical, to reshape my brain and emotions. Drugs, probably. But that requires effort to […]

The majority of my life is governed by fear, and has been for a long time. I seem to have a far greater sensitivity to perceived threats than is normal or healthy. On top of that, I think I find it much harder to accept the suffering that this world contains.

You could get hit by a car tomorrow, and paralysed, and trapped in a state of chronic pain. Or any number of seemingly unlikely things. The longer you live, the greater the opportunity for something like that to happen. And I’ve never known how to be ok with that potential. It doesn’t seem worth the […]

I’m the problem. My mind, my personality, how I relate to the world. Everything about me is wrong. I’m a waste of life. A waste of existence. I make things pointlessly miserable and painful for myself. It’s so fucking stupid. There could be someone here enjoying life in my place. Using the resources, the space I take up and actually making the most of it. Instead there’s just this misery I’ve created for myself. I don’t want to be this anymore. But I’m too afraid, or too attached to being this to end it. Too afraid to let go. Too attached to ideas of who […]

I’m so far from anything healthy, or normal. I’ve completely isolated myself. To the extent that even when I’m around people, drinking and talking, trying to be sociable and personable, I’m alone. I’ve isolated myself morally, psychologically. I’ve become something unrecognisable, twisted, alien.

And I have no fucking idea what I’m doing here, out on my own. This is uncharted territory. Here be monsters.

I know there’s no way back. There’s no way of unseeing the things I’ve seen, or undoing what I’ve done. There’s not much of a path forward either. No real examples to follow. Those who’ve been down this road tend to keep it […]

Emotional pain is difficult to evaluate. My current conceit is that if I could guarantee being free from the regret, longing, & despair that I feel for the rest of my life, I’d probably sacrifice a limb. Maybe not a whole arm, but a hand. And I’m talking hacked off with no anaesthetic, medieval style. That’s probably delusional. If someone were somehow able to really offer me that, I’m sure I would puss out. But it’s hard to quantify. When it gets bad, it seems truly awful. But it’s not like I break down crying in the middle of the street, or scream. I’m kind […]

I find myself constitutionally incapable of making the best of things. No matter how many times I remind myself to focus on doing what I can to improve things,  a part of my mind will inevitably fixate on the one thing that is actually impossible for me, that I cannot change. And it’s the only thing that feels meaningful. And the weight of the regret, longing, sadness, it drags me down. And I have to ignore that. Ignore that the one thing that I really want in life is beyond my grasp. Ignore the sadness, longing, regret, despair. And try and function, try and seem […]

Things will only get better if I actively make it happen. And the truth is I don’t have it in me. I don’t have the hope, the ambition, the drive, the energy, the will. All that’s left in me is craving, regret, depression, sadness, resentment. I’m tired all the time. In low-level pain all the time. I don’t talk to anybody, rarely even leave the house or see anybody. I just do my work, eat, rot in front of the computer and occasionally sleep. And have weird mixed up dreams of people I used to know, back when I was still a person.

So nothing will […]

I’m so sick of being this. I hate being “me”. And yet I’m so attached to it, so stuck in my ways. I’m so full of hatred and resentment. I resent anyone with a happy life. Anyone who’s better than me. Anyone that gets to exist without this stuff going round and round in their head. But really, deep down, I just want to not feel this anymore. To be free of it.

But there is no freedom. Freedom would be non-existence. To let go of this self, with all its shame, fear, regret, longing, and return to the earth. And I’m not ready for that […]

I’m still so far from a life that would feel meaningful. Or even doing anything tangible to pursue such a life. Or even maintaining a stable enough mental/emotional state to be capable of planning anything tangible.

All I can bring myself to attempt right now is to reduce the frequency at which I self-destruct. To resist the urge to do something completely counterproductive, just to allow me to briefly feel something that isn’t this. For some kind of distraction from this gnawing banal emptiness where a life should be.

And I fear that may be the most I can ever manage – to slow the rate at […]

I’ve been thinking about the ways my addictive/compulsive behaviours increase my suffering, and some stuff from a video on addiction struck a chord with me. That one of the largest risk factors with addiction is a sense of meaningless in life, a lack of purpose. And I’ve felt that pretty much my entire adult life.

The idea is basically that you need something meaningful to help you deal with negative experiences, to make them seem tolerable. Otherwise you suffer far more than you would from just the experience alone, leaving you more likely to turn to addiction to “fill the gap”. An example of this for […]

My regrets, longing, & cravings wait for me at the end of each day, to remind me that everything is wrong, and sleep is for those with a clean conscience. I’ve ruined my life, over and over again, far past the point of recovery. So far beyond the bounds of morality that normalcy is alien to me. Nothing will ever be ok, ever again. How could it be, when I’ve done these things, and still think about these things.

And I’m not killing myself because I’m afraid. And the only way that fear will ever be overcome is if things get so bad that I fear […]

The evil in me constantly gnaws at my mind. It’s not that I’m afraid I’m going to act on it (even if I had the capacity to), at least not in any real way. It’s that part of me wants to, and that’s one of the few things that feels good. The evil feels good. The rest of me doesn’t. The part of me that’s more moral doesn’t feel good. It’s just sad, and tired, and full of shame. And awareness of the evil provides endless fuel for that shame & self-hatred. Every bad thing I could ever have thought about myself is proved true […]

I have this constant longing for a relationship. And I don’t think I’m capable of being in one. Not just right now, but ever. I don’t think there’s anything I can do to become someone that anyone would want to be with. And that’s the part that really sucks – the hopelessness. When I was young I could tell myself a positive narrative about the things I lacked in life. That I’d grow as a person, overcome my difficulties and get there in the end. And that puts your mind at ease. It allows you to be ok with it. Whereas now I still have […]

I’m so tired of being this. Sad, lost, full of regret and resentment. I don’t want to be this broken thing anymore. It hurts. It’s not an existence that’s worth living. I don’t have it in me to be anything better. There’s too many obstacles, and some of them just can’t be overcome.

I feel like very little focus has been given by society to the question of how to cope with having to give up on one’s deepest needs/desires/longings. The assumption always seems to be that with the right fix, the right help, everything is achievable, for everybody. And I just don’t think that’s the case.

Sometimes, there are things that feel crucially important that you just can’t pursue, without compromising other fundamental needs, or putting the wellbeing of others at risk. And acknowledging that to yourself doesn’t stop the longing for those things. It doesn’t make the pain go away.

Example – a significant part of me deeply […]

Every now and then I get an explicit reminder of what I spend my life trying to deny. That no one will ever be able to accept me, or love me, without me deceiving them about who I am on a fundamental level. That no matter whose company I spend my time in, or who I may share some level of physical intimacy with, I will always feel utterly alone, and isolated. There is no solution for this longing I feel – for acceptance, emotional intimacy, mutual connection. To be actually seen by another human being, and valued. To be able to lower my guard […]

There is nothing for me in this life. Nothing in my day to day existence that I care about enough to make it worthwhile. No future possibilities open to me that seem worth pursuing. And that feels… intolerable. Unacceptable. I don’t know how to live without any positive motivation. And that doesn’t mean I’m going to kill myself. Unless my fear of continuing to live overwhelms my fear of death, I doubt I’ll ever do it. Which means I’ll likely go on existing, growing more and more miserable, bitter, and full of pain.

And contemplating that reality makes it seem even more unbearable. So I desperately […]

I believe in the possibility of life being meaningful, worthwhile, positive. I once felt that way about my own life. I see others living the kind of life I want. Of course you can never tell from the outside, and the grass always seems greener on the other side of the tree. But they seem content. By which I mean; not caught in a constant loop of longing and despair. Not consumed by loneliness, regret, depression. Actively engaged with life, with the world. Pursuing plans, learning, growing, becoming better as people. Functioning far above the minimum necessary for survival.

What I struggle with is that, feeling […]