thehusk

This is what I struggle with most when wondering whether I should end it. I’m not in unendurable agony, though I am in constant low-level pain. I’m not in inconsolable anguish, though I am always tired, and mostly sad, and becoming more and more hopeless by the year. If it was just me to consider, I think killing myself would probably be the right thing to do, even though I don’t emotionally “want” to do it. Despite my delusional attachment to dreams of a life, and my terror of death, I think it would be the right choice.

But it’s not just me I should consider. […]

The animal in me wants to survive at any cost, to reproduce. It’s strong enough to make me fear death, to hinder me in killing myself. But it’s not strong enough to actually drive me to succeed in life. It’s constantly undermined by the asshole personality I’ve developed since I was a child, that always wants to withdraw, to reflect, to stand back from life and observe. That would rather be miserable about the past than focus on the future, because that somehow seems more meaningful. That is constitutionally incapable of being happy.

It’s hard for me to weigh up the good that would come from […]

It seems like the way the world is going, it would be good to have my exit plan to hand, even if I don’t use it straight away. Then, if someone somewhere decides that nuclear war would actually be a grand idea, I can peace out before things get truly gnarly. I have no desire to try and survive through a  nuclear holocaust.

I’m pretty sure I have enough money to obtain my preferred substance, but it would take a lot of work to track down a reliable seller, and I’m hopelessly naïve with that kind of shit. I’m also worried about attracting the attention of […]

…What the fuck it that like? What’s it like to actually enjoy spending time with other people?  To not walk through this world alone?  The times that I feel the loneliest are when I’m around other people spending time together. It’s this stark reminder of what’s missing in my life. I feel even more awkward, even more out of place. Like I don’t belong, or I’m intruding. I shouldn’t be there…I shouldn’t exist. It makes me not want to go outside.

There’s a kind of absurdity that comes from recognizing that you’ve become the lowest of the low. A huge amount of dissonance arises. On the one hand, you’re you, and you’re an essentially good person, right? There are reasons you do the things you do, and you feel at least somewhat justified. You don’t want to hurt anyone, really – at least, not most of the time.

And then you get these moments of distance, when you see yourself through the eyes of others.  And you think back on your actions, your motivations, your desires. And you realise “Oh shit, I’m the bad guy! I’m the […]

There’s a small valley a couple of hundred miles away, where most of my happy memories are based. It’s surrounded by forest on all sides, with a stream running through the middle. It’s nothing too breath-taking. The village is pretty run down and shabby, and the only things there are a retirement home and a dilapidated old church. A lot of the forest is relatively newly planted, so it’s not that pretty. But it’s special to me. It’s where my mind returns to. The valley is high up in the hills above the flood plain of a river, and from the highest point you can […]

Living without motivation is pretty miserable. Each day I wake up feeling tired, even if I’ve slept the night before. I get maybe 1-2 hours of having enough energy to function during the day, the rest of the time I’m just drifting through, putting off anything that takes effort. Every day is the same. Nothing ever gets better, it only slowly gets worse. I suppose that by definition this is depression – I have very little internal drive or pressure to get things done. I am literally de-pressed. There’s not enough inside my mind to force myself to function.

There’s so much that I need to […]

I don’t think it’s necessarily a guilty conscience – guilt is focused on the impact your actions have on others, and I can never know that. It’s probably more like shame. Although shame is usually centred around what others think of you, and apart from a couple of ex-therapists, no one knows.

The reality of it is, I have to look myself in the mirror every day, and know the things I’ve done (and the things a large part of me still wants to do.) And somehow live with myself. And I don’t know how to do that. Because my self-image feels unbearable to face up […]

It seems to me that the overwhelming majority of the suffering that I’ve experienced  in my life comes from frustrated desire. From feeling or believing that something is really important and I should do something to attain it, yet simultaneously feeling or believing that it is beyond my reach. Beyond my reach, but not totally impossible. There’s just enough hope there that I can still torture myself with imagining that if I just found the right way, it could somehow be fulfilled. But never enough that it feels tangible, or really worth pursuing.

It’s such a waste of life and emotion. But I’ve never known how […]

Meaning is what makes life worth living. What makes pain and suffering seem bearable. I have robbed myself of any chance at what I consider to be a meaningful life. Any hope of meaningful relationships, or a future self I can respect. So all I’m left with is the pain and suffering. And although it’s not yet that severe, I don’t know how to bear it. Because I have nothing to console myself with. Nothing to use to tell myself “it’s ok”. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to work towards. There is no positive meaning in my life.

All that is left for me is […]

I am a bad person. By which I mean that I want to do bad things. Really bad, fucked up stuff. And I’m pretty sure I’m not going to do those things. But the wanting, it hurts, constantly. My motivations, who I am on a very core level, are broken. The things that feel most meaningful to me are wrong. And I don’t think that’s something I can change. I can change my actions, and to some extent I have, but I can’t change what I want. I can’t change what feels meaningful to me. And that hurts, and it makes me want to not […]

This world doesn’t want me in it. And I don’t much want to exist anymore, so we’re kind of agreed on that. There’s just the fear that’s keeping me here, and the damage that would be done to those that don’t deserve it. But I’m not really alive. I haven’t been for years now. This world holds no place for me. I don’t belong around others.  I belong in the dirt. And delaying that natural justice causes me pain. The world wants me not to exist. To return to the mulch. To be something useful again. Something innocent. My continued existence is a violation of […]

It’s not much fun, being a monster. Would not recommend it. You get these constant reminders of what everyone thinks of you. Society loves a good villain. How can our heroes be truly heroic if those they pursue aren’t truly evil? Writers love to plumb the depths of human depravity, and audiences eat it up.

The obvious response to this is “just stop being evil.” Unfortunately, your past casts a long shadow. Some things mark you as forever beyond the pale, even after you stop. Besides which, the motivations that led you to that point don’t just disappear. If you’re sufficiently fucked in the head, realising […]

I am alone because I isolate myself. I isolate myself because I feel like shit when I’m around other people. I feel like shit around others because I feel exposed and vulnerable and out of place and stupid. Because…I’ve spent so much of my life avoiding people that I’ve never learned how to handle the unexpected little complications that they inevitably produce? Or because I’m just intrinsically socially inept? Or because I’m so insanely self-conscious and socially anxious that the tiniest little thing sticks in my mind & ruins my day?

It’s not something I feel I can solve through exposure – there have been extended […]

I dreamt about her again last night. But it’s not about her. It’s what she represents in my subconscious – someone who thought I was worth knowing. She eventually realized she was wrong about that, but she tried far harder than anyone else to give me the opportunity. And now that’s long-gone. And I just want to go back, and find some way to cling on to it. Do things differently. Show my appreciation. Be the person I should’ve been.

There’s no way back, there’s no do-overs, as far as I know. Maybe at some point the universe will loop and all this will happen again, […]

I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m too afraid to end it. Unless/until something drastic changes, like becoming homeless or serious illness, I’m going to be sticking around. I’ve spent years questioning whether it would be preferable to overcome that fear and go through with it. But I’ve found no consistent answer, and without that I just don’t have it in me.

So if I’m going to be stuck here, the next question that arises is how to make things as bearable as I can. That seems to be an even more complicated question. A significant part of me believes that I […]

I spend my evenings desperately trying to find something to distract from the gnawing unease I feel deep inside. Life was supposed to be about more than this. It was supposed to somehow involve other people. But I find myself largely unable to connect to other people – being around others reminds me how much I don’t like myself. All my fears & insecurities put me constantly on edge. I’m terrified of anyone seeing who I really am – because who I am is repulsive. And when I’m on my own, I can mostly be ok with that. I can intellectualise it, and understand what […]

I don’t know how to let go. It’s not something I ever learned. To force my brain to move the fuck on from whatever it’s fixated on. I seem to be causing myself endless pointless suffering, simply because my mind will not process the evidence presented to it.

This thing that seems incredibly important and vital? Yeah, that’s not for you. Better luck next time. Just accept it and focus on something else.

But I don’t. It’s like there’s this void inside me, and I’m desperately seeking out something that might negate it. Maybe letting go would mean accepting that void. That there is no purpose or […]

I have this desperate urge to feel connected to another person, but I don’t think I’m capable. I don’t like people, not really. Not even myself. Especially not myself. A part of me thinks I’m better than everyone, though most of me knows I’m far worse. I can’t risk anyone seeing the truth. So it’s all meaningless. I’ve cut myself off from humanity – I’m completely alone. It’s understandable that my mind should seek an escape – isolation is a genetic dead end. But escape would require a brain that wasn’t poisoned. I will die this way, however long I live for.

Most of the time I live in a self-contained bubble of distraction. I avoid my negative feelings by consuming a constant stream of media. But when I have to be around people I’m forced to face how I really feel, and I don’t know how to cope with it.

Emotional suffering is strange – I want to say that it hurts, but if you asked me what the pain was like, I wouldn’t know what to tell you. It’s hard to articulate what the distress consists of. I suppose a series of encounters triggers parts of my brain that I mostly try to suppress, and […]