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U.N. Owen

Last Day Alive

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

Hello everyone.

Today is my last day. Tonight I will be ending things and finally finding total freedom and nothingness.

To my dear Nat, goodbye my sweet Princess.  Just keeping my promise to tell you goodbye.  Sent you an email not sure if you got it.

To any others who I have conversed with.  I really hope things have improved for you or will improve.  And that your pain lessens enough for life to be at least somewhat joyful.  Many of you are suffering mainly or totally because of others and I wish I had the power to take that pain away from you.  Sometimes people are treated […]

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Tried and failed.

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

I have been traveling for the past few months.  Thought that doing so might give me a new perspective on life. Might make me actually want to endure the pain of chemotherapy to keep going.  But once I returned the feeling went away.

My end date will be February 25 for sure now.  Enough time for me to set up certain things for my nieces and nephews and spend some time with them.  My family and everyone I know thinks I am going to Japan or Korea to live except for one friend who figured it out on her own.

How do you tell people you care […]

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Not sure when.

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

This was supposed to be my official last day posting here.

Mainly because I’ve a lot of trabveling to do before my demise.

But heck I’ll probably still try to help out a little up until the day I go just not as frequently.

I know i’ll be dead within three months as I’ve procured my methods, already quit my job, and already put all the legal things in place.

It may be next week or it may be in August.  But there is no turning back now.

My compassion … ah you know how it is.

Anyway… gouki99x@gmail.com if anyone wants to vent , insult me, or just talk.

I can […]

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Aspects

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

The aroma of flowers exciting your olfactory senses and overwhelming you with wafting scents;

The riot of color within the botanical garden blinding your sight with its myriad spatterings like an artist’s paintboard;

The soothing texture of the cooling sand is calming as you curl your toes in it while enjoying the lovely sunset at the beach;

The goosebumps and relaxation you get from the cool water while paddling your board out to catch the elusive night waves;

The taste of your favorite food tantalizing your buds as you enjoy it after it has been prepared with loving hands;

The harmony of the music that soothes you as you blast it […]

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Illusions of Improvement…Filial Duty

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

Life is funny for some of us.  As long as we keep toiling and hanging on the moments of joy and peace are fleeting and teasing like a contest at a county fair or a playful friend.

And then one decides on ones own demise.  One makes final preparations and gets the methiods ready. One goes through the process of releasing oneself from the cares of the world.

And then life wants to pull out the spinning backfist to the kidneys while you are looking at death.  And it hits in one of those places that cannot be ignored.  Sometimes if it is something for the self, […]

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Changing of the guard

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

My race I have run and my time is done.  Have traveled this mortal coil for several decades and found nothing worth me living for.  Add some abuse and a couple of bouts of non self caused disease to that and you have a nice little going away party.

Then again maybe my programming was faulty out of the factory.  Some organisms just cannot be repaired.

Yet life has many different things to offer different people.  Some things so precious and special that to leave them behind would more painful for the individual who observes it so.  And if you have anything that is perceived as such, […]

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Ideals

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

Even though the history books are not 100% correct one can still glean from them the idea that many past societies had little or no conveniences.  Things we accept as normal like running water, plentiful food, protection of children from slavery/chil labor, decent medical care, decent housing and transport. 

Some places still lack some of those things above.  And some of us in better living situations would lament the loss of such things. 

Add in the various pain and persecution outside of these things and you have one tough enchilada.

Objectively speaking in many cases life would technically be less preferable than death for some people. This is […]

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One Reason

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

To the youth and adults who have decided to live, at least for today…

The person who makes your soul shiver.

The song that makes your ears quiver.

The food that makes your tongue dance.

The activity that lulls your mind into a trance.

The relative whose love warms your heart the most.

The pets about whom you brag and boast.

The responsibilities you prefer not to leave behind.

Their threads that your hands only can safely unwind.

The boulders you have yet to turn.

The bridges you prefer not to burn.

The safety and rhythm of scheduled routine.

The things you have not yet done or seen.

If you have one reason to stay, it may be […]

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Living Well

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

It is not going to get better.  It is actually going to get better and worse.   It is going to fluctuate like the temperature does during the year.  Or the grades of a collection of students.  Or the color of sky at dusk and dawn. 

There are no guarantees.  There is not a happily ever after.  It does not work that way.  Even if you expend 100% effort and 100% faith what you want still may not happen.  Then again it may happen exactly as you choose.  Or it may happen in a totally different fashion.  The only thing you can do is keep going forward.

Acts […]

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An Alien in Their Human World

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

Born missing something in your brain.  That piece that makes many crave attention and affection.  When these things are offered you cringe in confusion.  Knowing that others readily accept them but they seem rather uncomfortable.  And you force yourself to act like you enjoy them because it makes others smile.  One thing does touch you.  The ones who are outsiders-ostracized-cast out-victims-pariahs.  Their plight awakens an inner affinity.

Then there is the violation.  Inall your collected data this only happens between adults.  Between husband and wife.  Between girlfriend and boyfriend.  Not between adult and child.  Not between two males.  Deep down you know that this is monumentally worse […]

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Happiness…

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

This quote is in several articles online about happiness.

“First, your brain adjusts feelings of happiness downward after you’ve reached some goal or other. It regulates the good feelings, presumably so that you have motivation to reach the next goal instead of just lounging by the pool for the rest of your days. “

Which can sort of be related to the Matrix quote

Agent Smith: “Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming […]

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Myself, inhuman.

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

I have no emotions.  Just chemical reactions in my brain and body acting and reacting to internal/external stimuli and previous experiences.

I have no consciousness.   Just bioelectric and biochemical activity that gives the perception of self awareness.

I have no desire.  Just instinct honed by evolution for the species to survive as a whole and for as many individuals as possible to pass on their genetic blueprints.

I have no family or friends.  Just other creatures with whom cooperating in a certain timeframe is more beneficial than trying to compete for resources.

I have no importance or purpose.  Just another member of an animal species hardwired to compete for resources […]

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Spring Daze

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

Wamth of the sun beaming down to encourage growth and strength.

Cool breeze of the wind curls and carouses around the body cooling the soul.

Rain bursts from the cloud cover and washes the grit away.

Grass as green as a novice carpeting the ground and tickling the toes.

Trees tall and majestic reaching up and out to shade and protect.

Bushes sitting quietly awaiting the pruning shears of the endaring gardener.

Stones of all kinds absorb and hold the heat of the sun being children of mother earth.

Sky as blue and mesmerizing as the eyes of an Alaskan Husky staring at you in friendship.

All living things energetic and frolicking in […]

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End Of Days. Treinta Y Uno De Mayo.

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

My last day online will be 05/31/2012. My last actual day … not soon enough.  And if anyone tries to pull that stuff that someone did with Biscuit on here, it is not going to work with me so do not waste your time.

A few more weeks and I’ll be out of here.  One of my methods is already procured and the two backups are on their way.  Terminated my employment a week ago so it is daily inundation in books, games, movies and music until the end.  Since the job is done and the methods are going to be present, no turning back now.

Everything […]

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Stop beating yourselves up.

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

Some people on here post that they are ashamed to be complaining because they have a relatively comfortable life outside the specific troubles they are dealing with.  There is no reason to be ashamed because you happened to be born in a developed country to people who can give you a decent lifestyle as far as food, clothing, and shelter.  That is the fortune of your birth and you had nothing to do with it.

Sure you can help people who you consider less fortunate.   Still it does not help your mental state for you to add guilt or sadness to your already existing pain.  Nothing […]

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Ugly and Lovely.

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

One could argue that one could let go and live a simpler existence.  Still after one labored and struggled to climb out of poverty in order to enjoy financial stability and technlogical convenience in the USA, to voluntarily go for less feels like crippling oneself. What can I say.  I’m an otaku and an asian horror-phile. Plus old school books are a pleasure to read and touch.

Plus the wasting sickness has returned and I refuse to take chemo this time.  Should have refused the first time and maybe I’d already be gone.  Doc tells me I could extend my life by a few years if I took […]

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Deception is sometimes necessary.

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

Honesty is a virtue. Especially with the degree of deceit in our world. Even the kind that is told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.  Or the kind told not to betray a secret. The kind told to let someone keep hope or faith. The kinds told that keep our current system running. And the kinds that are told to deliberately injure, harm, and hurt.

Sometimes we tell them to ourselves.  And then comes the time where it is easier to fabricate a tale rather than tell your loved ones the truth. Of course when they find out the truth it will hurt them, but better tha […]

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Cyberspace and connections

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

Some say that the proliferation of social networks is killing people’s interpersonal relationships.  I think it is taking them to another dimension.  I’ve never met any of you in person but I find myself worried abo many of you when I’m offline.  Hoping you are ok, hoping uyou are getting better, and for those who are decided hoping their end is painless and peaceful.

So many people here could be saved by the people in their lives just listening and being there. For someone to just hug them, support them, and justactually care.  I wish I could have an island and just bring all of you […]

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Moving the date up yet again.

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

Trying to make sure I do my method of falling asleep peacefully.  Not sure it is going to happen. Not depressed, not in pain other than the normal chronic health problems.  Which I was hoping would do me in but the doc says nope, Mr… you can live with this. /begin sarcasm  Lol.  Out of the men in my family I’m the lucky one not killed by disease.  /end sarcasm

I stopped taking the meds months ago.  Hurts but not as much as the insomnia, the freqent urination, the weakness and joint pain.. agh.

At least it wasnt as bad as the chemo years ago.  My hair actually […]

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Endings

by U.N. Owen
written by U.N. Owen

The darkness of life,

The brigthness of death,

Life’s excruciating pain,

Death’s soothing pleasure,

Life’s long term toil,

Death’s eternal rest,

Life’s confusing uncertainty,

Death’s confirmed state,

The confinement of life,

The freedom of death,

The caustic acid that is life,

The healing balm that is death,

Life’s sour holding,

Death’s sweet release.

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