unstable

So we’re back to this now huh?

Blaming not only me this time, but your other two as well? As if WE were the reason you went out and cheated. WE are the reason she can’t trust you now. WE are the reason you are a pissed off fat ass alcoholic who’s never around. WE are the cause of YOUR financial errors.

So let me get this straight…you’re blaming a 23 year old, a 13 year old, and I’m baffled at this one: a 4 year old? A FUCKING 4 YEAR OLD??!?!?!

…I don’t even…

What the fuck. Seriously. What the fuck are you thinking? Are you seriously so […]

i seriously need to vent right now.

I’m so incredibly tired of being overlooked. Tired of being the bad guy.

No matter what I say, no matter what I do, no matter how I feel, it always gets turned around on me.

You were always the reason I hurt myself…even when I was only ten years old. You were always the reason I resorted to hurting myself, just so I could forget about the fucking emotional abuse you put me through.  Even now that I am old enough to walk away when I need too, somehow you still manage to get under my skin and destroy every ounce […]

I’m feeling bipolar again. My ups and downs are becoming more noticeable. I had another nervous breakdown…Its just barely March, and I’m running out of fingers to count them on.

I’m stressed

I’m anxious.

I’m angry.

I’m sad.

I’m depressed.

I began snapping a rubber band against my wrist again. That feeling of pain that leaves marks, if only temporary, provide immediate relief from my life. I know a lot of you here know exactly what I’m talking about. That sweet sting…maybe you bleed. If you do, I’m jealous.
I wish I had the courage to bleed…but I’m stuck somewhere between my depression and the highs. Or maybe I’m just a […]

I’m crashing, not because I’m tired, but, my not drug related high is gone. I’m emotionally drained. But I was happy this morning. I get on my lunch break, and I’m immediately down…ready to leave this shit job…ready to leave this earth, considering the fact that none of this matters…none of the effort I put into life will ever matter…we all die eventually. So what’s the point? I don’t plan on dying anytime soon…unless some cosmic accident takes my life away. I think I’m content with dying…as long as I can’t feel it or it doesn’t hurt. I’m content because i feel like I have […]

Those thoughts come rushing back to the front of my mind.
I know how I want to die…
I want to get into a car accident…
That way at least it wouldn’t look like suicide and not guilt trip the ones I love.
And yet if I did that, I would make some other person and their family miserable.
So I haven’t yet…but everytime I drive, it’s there in the back of my mind…inching closer and closer until the idea is decorated with reason and temptation.
But instead, that old familiar feeling of self inflicted pain I yearn so much for is screaming in my […]

Can’t sleep…
I vowed to myself not to eat past 7pm, and I’m eating way smaller portions than my stomach is used to. People say I’m not fat…at 135, I highly disagree. I’m disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror. I used to be 115…from highschool up until about 6 months ago, when I gained 20 pounds in what seemed like a matter of days.
But my hunger pains aren’t the only reason why I can’t sleep.

Last summer I was sexually harassed by my boss. It was so bad for me that I only worked 3 days at that job. I’ve told people […]

I want to cry… I hate it when you wants your space, as much as we both need it right now because I was pretty pissed yesterday…it just hurts, even though I know I’ll see you tomorrow… What I wrote in that blog, I meant it when I said it makes me want to cut…I feel like its all my fault…this whole day sucked, and the person who I can really count on to be there for me doesn’t want to see me. It breaks my heart and I just can’t wait for tomorrow. I hate being so fucking depressed…I need a cigarette, or a […]

and scream…and pull my hair out when you’re like this. I want to hit you and call you names…but I know that would make it worse. I want to shout “fuck you” and leave your stupid ass…but I know this is just one of your bipolar moods that has absolutely nothing to do with our relationship, or even me…so I stay. I bottle it all in until I do finally head home where I will inevitably cry myself to sleep from all this built up anger and confusion and in the morning there will be scars on my arm and a hole in my heart. […]

I missed you guys yesterday. As tragically ironic as this is, these posts give me a small ounce of hope that I don’t get anywhere else, from anyone else. It gives me that tiny bit of strength to get up and decide if I want to live today. I don’t feel like I’m alone in the world when I’m on here. I hate feeling alone…and although I have a family and a significant other, I still feel lost and desperate in this cold world, even when I’ve had a “good” day, it still doesn’t feel good enough. My smile is only temporary…its inevitable that it […]

I stumbled upon this website while googling how to commit suicide. Yeah, like google could somehow be the end all answer. Guess not because I got here and started reading all these posts…and now here I am, wishing I had the balls to just jump off the highway and fall to my death. It’s always in the back of my mind. ALWAYS. I despise myself for thinking this way. Hate myself for letting it get so bad. I’m supposed to be the strong one helping others in my spot. The f*ing psych major about to graduate isn’t supposed to be the one needing help…

And yet, […]