Violet Blake

I’m quite aware of the fact that I’m more then one person, somewhere inside of me there is someone else, or something else controlling me.

I call this the monster.

It has always been there, threatening to gnaw my stomach to shreds whenever I would feed it, making me feel like less and less of a person, every day i thought I was just going to fade into oblivion, never to even have existed in the first place.

When I was a child I used to play be afraid that that a monster was going to come out from under my bed and snatch me. Too bad I […]

I don’t have friends.

I used to think that I was weird or something because no one wanted anything to do with me when I was a kid, they would come up to say hi and everything and try to be friendly, but I was always too secluded and shy to say anything back, so they would back off, and sooner or later try again, and fail to still get me to talk.

Now people don’t even try to talk to me.

People call me the quiet girl, but I’m far from it. I love to talk to people one on one, if its just me and someone […]

I’m spending the whole day with Alyson.

She gave me the biggest scare I’ve ever felt in my whole entire life last night when I was at her house, and I knew I needed to spend more time with her then, I can’t leave her alone for a minute, I’m too scared. I don’t want her to leave me at all, but I don’t want her to leave me when I’m not there to hold her hand.

I was sitting talking with her like I always do, laughing about something that happened at school this week, when all of sudden she started acting like she was choking, and […]

Aly sleeps a lot when I come over, but she tries to stay awake to talk to me. She says she worries too much about how I’m doing.

“Hi Aly”, I try to smile for her.

“I know when you’re faking it”, she whispers.

I sigh, “Your too good”.

She smiles, “No, you’re just not good at hiding it is all”.

I roll my eyes, talking with Alyson always brings about sarcasm.

I like sarcasm, I use it a lot and she understands it. When I talk with Alyson I actually feel normal for awhile.

“You know, it’s getting late”, Alyson says.

I shrug, “so?”

“You have to make a wish soon”, she tells me.

I […]

Dark Thing: Hello Violet.

Me: Go away, I know why you’re here.

Dark Thing: No one’s home Violet and theres so much glass on the floor…

Me: I am going to clean up the glass and throw it away now

Dark Thing: Don’t do anything rash now Violet.

Me: What you’re asking me do is rash.

Dark Thing: Oh Violet…

Me: Stop saying my name

Dark Thing: Does that bother you…Violet?

Me: Go away, I’m not going to talk back.

Dark Thing: Yes you are. Pretty little Violet with lips that taste like cherry pie…

Me: STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dark Thing: I’m not going to stop, Violet.

Me: Yes, you are!

Dark Thing: Hush Violet, just do what I’m telling you to do. […]

Teachers think they know everything, but they don’t.

Chemistry is the dullest class ever, especially when my teacher Mrs. Krud  (yes, that’s her real name) drones on and on about carbon solutions and blah, blah, blah.

I’m usually lost by the time she says the word “Today” at the very beginning of cass.

It’s easier to daydream, most of the time it’s about pickign up a two-by-four and shooting up Mrs. Krud’s classroom. I don’t have many violent thoughts when it comes to other people, but Mrs. Krud is the devil reincarnated, how a man ever came to marry her is beyond me.

“Violet, do you know the answer?” […]

I went to visit Alyson today, like always do on Tuesdays.

Her mother answered the door, just like she always does when I knock on the door.

“It’s so nice to see you Violet, I bet Alyson will be delighted to see you”, her mother smiled at me, the same smile she ways gave me. 

 It annoys me, that smile the whole family seems to have painted on their faces, even Alyson. No one can be happy to have their child dying, no one can be happy that they’re dying of cancer, but still I see those smiles on their faces every time I visit, and I kind […]

Dark Thing: Hello.

Me: Hello.

Dark Thing: How are we doing today?

Me: I’m fine.

Dark Thing: Well, do you want me to fix that?

Me: Not really, but I know you are going to anyway.

Dark Thing: Don’t sound so cynical, Violet.

Me: Aren’t I always cynical?

Dark Thing: Only when I want you to be.

Me: Oh yeah, I forgot about that little detail.

Dark Thing: There you go again, always the one with the sarcastic comments.

Me: Piss off.

Dark Thing: Violet….

Me: Stop it.

Dark Thing: Hush now Darling, don’t you see this is all for your own good?

Me: I’m not listening to you.

Dark Thing: Oh, but you’re listening to me all the time, even […]

American History is full of crap.

I don’t think suicide or depression exsisted back in the days of our founding fathers, or else they would’ve known that not everyone is in pursuit to find happiness.

I think people unconsciously look for ways to be unhappy. I mean, they cut themselves off from their family, their friends. They cut up their wrists to watch the blood flow and the pain increase. They drink and drink until they’re so down in the dumps that they put a gun to their head and pull the trigger. They constantly look for ways to make themselves unhappy, and it usually ends up […]

 
For those of you wondering why I’m depressed, heres most of the story.
 
Dr.Meyers office was bleach white, the kind that made your eyes hurt if you looked at it for too long. You’d think having to sit there at a plain little desk all day in that pale room would kill a person. Turns out their are worst things.
 
“You could try talking about it”, Dr.Meyers glasses were square, they weren’t exactly out of style, but they seemed a bit nerdy to me.
 
I shook my head, balling my knees up to my chest. I bit down on my nail beds, a habit I had had since […]

The sun was shining on my face, something it hadn’t done in a good, long time.

Today was just another day, no different from the day before. I woke up at 5:30 am, got ready for school, drove to school, waited for the last bell to ring before i could book it out of there, and then I went home and did homework until I had to cook my siblings dinner and go to bed. Not a very exciting routine, but I didn’t mind it so much.

There is always one thing that changes though, always one thing that I know is going to be different: my […]

I find that its easier to smile then to frown.

I’m stuck in a school where no one wants to hear about your problems, they just want to get through the six classes of the day and be done with it.

What isn’t easy is pretending. I’ve never had to pretend to be happy when I’m not, it’s never been necessary. Now, in high school, it’s like they have “be happy or don’t bother coming” postered on every single space of wall. The girls don’t cry from heartbreaks, the emo’s dont shed a tear for their screwy lives, and the clinically depressed never even spring a leak for fear that […]

My step-dad is moving out today.

I’m sitting upstairs in my room listening to him clatteraround downstairs, moving boxafter box into his car, pile load after load of his things and carry them away.

I get the feeling that I should be feeling sorry that he is leaving, moving away to another house where I won’t see him everyday, let him ask me how school was or anything else he usually does.

But I don’t.

I don’t  feel sorry that he’s going, and I don’t know why.

He’s lived with me since I was 8 years old. He was there when my father abondened us, he was there when I […]

Ive been thinking  a lot of things through lately, trying to remember when I started wanting to kill myself.

I dont remember, I think it was just so long ago that thet fantasies started,  that I just have lost track of the years.

You know the fantasies I’m taling about; the bloody bathtubs, lifeless body hanging from a rope, unconscious lump of dead weight lying on a bed, pill bottle sitting empty on the nightstand. I’ve had them all before, and many others I don’t relly understand. Throwing myself in front of a car, jumping off the golden gate bridge, going skydiving without a parachute.

I have come up […]

My mother took me out of school early today to go see a crisis counselor in some foreign area of town where it looks like everyone lives in constant fear of either being mugged, or molested, or both.

I walked into the counselors office and immediately felt like Alice must have when she fell down the rabbit hole; completely disoriented and completely idiotic.

“We have an appointment at 1:00”, my mother smiled kindly at the lady working at the reception desk.

The lady didn’t smile back, she just took down my information and told us that we could take a seat in the three chairs pushed up against a […]

My best friend asked me if I was depressed today.

“Why would you ask me that?” I stopped walking and turned to face him.

Drake looked perplexed, shrugging his broad shoulders, “You haven’t been talking lately and you barely look at me anymore”.

I bit my lower lip, starting to walk again slowly with him by my side.

“No, I’m fine”, I lied.

I could see the expression on his face that meant he was hurt that I wasn’t giving him the truth. I turned away from his disapproving eyes, why did he have to know me so well? I thought I was doing a good job at hiding my doubts […]

School is going to be hell today.

I used to like school, used to like learning about the english language and chemistry, but I don’t anymore. Now school just seems like another prison for me, somewhere people can bombard me with questions I don’t have the answers too, where kids can act like they don’t care if I live or die.

I bet they don’t care, I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if they didn’t care.

I don’t really care what happens to me at this point, I’m just sick and tired of being trapped in this body where I’m not even comfortable in my own skin, stuck […]