Author

Ylem

Hi. I'm Ylem. I'm crazy. Sometimes I'm super happy and smiling and laughing all the time and shit. Sometimes I'm super suicidal with a knife on my throat every two seconds. I cut. A lot. I love pain. Call me a Masochist in a non-sexual way. I also smoke a lot of weed. Like a lot of weed. There are a million voices screaming in my head every day. I want to die, but I also don't because of my family. I'm a mama's bitch and a daddy's whore and I'm proud of it.

I want to bleed

by Ylem 12/31/2015

written by Ylem

Today is my birthday. I’m officially 22. I was born around 7 in the evening, only lived about 5 hours of 1993. What the fuck is so damn happy about it?

I have been trying to make the most of this day. I took a walk with my sisters to the park. Played on the swings like an 8 year old. I remember when I was that young. I chased around my little sister and nephew. It helped me forget for a moment.
I forgot that deep down inside, I’m fucking furious. Just that moment.

The urge to cut has been growing intensely. I don’t want to […]

12/31/2015 2 comments

What is Love?

by Ylem 12/25/2015

written by Ylem

I don’t understand love.
I just… I just don’t.

I have never fallen in love with anyone. I have never been in a relationship with anyone.

I can’t interact and connect with anyone on that level. I’ve tried reciprocating if someone shows an interest in me. But I can’t. I just end up hurting the other person because I can never meet them halfway. I just feel nothing.

The only love I have is for my family. That’s the only love I know and can show. I think it’s because they are just the only people I can interact with, as minimal as I do that as well. […]

12/25/2015 2 comments

My name is…

by Ylem 12/23/2015

written by Ylem

My name is Free. My name is Happy.

I wish…

I’m trapped. I’m trapped in this body. I’m trapped in this horrible life I don’t want to live. I’m trapped in this fucked up world.
I want to break free. I want to be free. Live up to my name.

Freedom. Happiness. I’m far from getting either of those things. My names. Even hearing someone calling my names tears me apart inside. I will never feel any of those things. I will never be free. I will never be happy.

I’m sad right now, and I don’t understand why. It wasn’t a particularly great day, but it wasn’t […]

12/23/2015 7 comments

Anniversary

by Ylem 12/21/2015

written by Ylem

Today is my parents’ 19th wedding anniversary. They have been together for 35 years. High school sweethearts. Yes… They’ve had their fair share of ups and downs, especially this year. At a certain point, I wanted their marriage to end because I felt it had become toxic. They pulled through. They found a way to make it work.

As for me, I don’t see myself married. I doubt I’ll ever find someone who will understand me. Sometimes it’s hard to even understand myself. Marriage… Children… That will be just another reason to keep me on this earth longer than I want to.
I’m scared of getting […]

12/21/2015 4 comments

Today…

by Ylem 12/19/2015

written by Ylem

Today was… An Okay Day.
That’s a little better. It’s better than what I’ve been feeling for the past 3 weeks.
I have less anger, less rage, less pain, less everything I’ve been feeling lately.
I feel safe for the first time in months. I’m less paranoid. Took a walk on my own with no fear. No need to constantly look over my shoulder and scrutinize every single person walking behind me. I felt free.
I smiled a genuine smile. I could feel it. It wasn’t forced or fake like the ones I’ve been giving. It was a real smile.
I don’t know what’s happening, […]

12/19/2015 5 comments

I’m Dying Here…

by Ylem 12/16/2015

written by Ylem

Why?
Why the fuck is it so hard for me to tell them I’m suffering?
One moment Im crying alone in my room, then the next, I’m smiling like my usual fake self when someone comes in. I have become so good at faking that I can’t show what I really feel. I want to take off this mask. It’s really heavy now, but it’s stuck. It won’t come off.
Why can’t I take it off?
Please… I’m suffering…
I know they are not mind readers. I need to speak up. But how can one talk to a person about what is going on when […]

12/16/2015 1 comment

What is wrong with me?

by Ylem 12/15/2015

written by Ylem

It hurts. It really does.
It’s becoming harder and harder to stick to the plan. But I know I have to. I also know that I need help. I need some attention. I need them to realise that I’m suffering.
I can’t fake it anymore. I can’t hide what I’m feeling anymore. I need someone to notice.
I’m not good at talking and letting out what I feel. I just freeze whenever I have to divulge my feelings.
It fucking hurts. They just will never understand.
I know what I’ve been thinking is wrong. I’m contemplating an attempt in the next few days, or tonight […]

12/15/2015 2 comments

My Demons…

by Ylem 12/14/2015

written by Ylem

Someone help me. Even if it is just to talk. I’m suffering.
I can’t contain my demons anymore.

You did this.

You made me do this.
It was always there.
Lurking in the shadows.
I kept my demons at bay.
I always managed to hide them behind my wonderful smile. My… Laughter…

You did this.

You broke me.
You pushed me to the very edge.
I’m there.
So take it. It’s exactly what you deserve.

Don’t apologize.
I don’t want to hear you say, “Ek is jammer.”
For what I am going to do to you
For the pain I will inflict on you
Just know, “Ek is nie jammer.”

I […]

12/14/2015 4 comments

Still Hunted… Still Suicidal…

by Ylem 12/13/2015

written by Ylem

So, I thought I should give an update on the ‘Jehova’s Witness’ who are trying to kill me.

The year is coming to an end and the court date is drawing near. You know what that means? More threats. They want me dead as in yesterday.

Well… Whatever… A part of me doesn’t give a shit anymore.

Anyway, the harassment and threats have escalated. Since they can’t do it themselves, they have their relatives and church members do the dirty work for them. I’m in hell.

Remember I mentioned that 2 guys were shot dead a few weeks back? Well, it turns out those 2 guys were among the […]

12/13/2015 8 comments

Need to Vent

by Ylem 12/12/2015

written by Ylem

I survived yesterday. I don’t know how I’ll make it through today.
Yesterday I just slept. Today, all I want to do is get high. Maybe that will help.
It gets harder by the day. I don’t want it to end just yet, but if things keep going downhill every single second, I might not live to see next year. I don’t want to keep having these impulsive moments where I want it all to end now. I’m afraid soon enough I will act on them.
I don’t want to hurt my family. Right now is not a good time to end it. Not now. […]

12/12/2015 2 comments

Tired of Hiding Behind a Smile

by Ylem 12/11/2015

written by Ylem

I’m breaking. I’ve reached breaking point.

If I don’t talk to anyone about this, I will lose this battle. But I’m scared. I’m so scared to talk to anyone in my family. As much as they understand what I’m going through since they are going through the same thing, I doubt they do. (Not sure if that makes sense.) They will just tell me to tough it out like they always do.

Well… I’m so tired of being tough. I’m tired of having to pretend I am strong. I am so weak right now, I can hardly put up a fake smile. I can barely get […]

12/11/2015 12 comments

I’m so sad right now

by Ylem 12/10/2015

written by Ylem

I just need to vent.

All of a sudden, I feel this overwhelming sadness. I don’t even know why I feel this way. So, I thought I should try and look back at things I love doing. Trying to be positive. I find that I don’t really have something that I love doing. Except writing, maybe. Not even that is making things easier right now.

I started looking back into my life, trying to find something that gave me some peace. And where do my thoughts take me?

The Dissecting Hall.

This will make me sound so fucking weird. I loved that place. I respected those bodies. They gave […]

12/10/2015 6 comments

I am lost

by Ylem 12/10/2015

written by Ylem

Life is Temporary…
Death is Permanent…
My life is hell. Death looks like it can bring me peace.
So? Am I willing to temporarily go through hell when I can permanently be at peace?

12/10/2015 3 comments

Help me feel something…

by Ylem 12/9/2015

written by Ylem

Pain.
That’s the closest thing I have right now that will help me feel human. I have my family around and yet I feel so alone. They are not people I can talk to about these feelings. They just never understand. They think I’m only looking for attention. That’s why I keep these things from them all the time.
I feel so disconnected, I need something to bring me back to reality.
So yeah, pain. Just one cut. Just a glimpse of blood. That will make me feel alive again.

12/9/2015 1 comment

Insomnia plus Rage!!

by Ylem 12/3/2015

written by Ylem

For fucks sake! Can somebody please shut that fucking dog up?!

Its the middle of the night, 02:15 am to be more exactly and I cant sleep because this fucking dog wont shut up.
I swear, if it doesn’t shut up, my rage will reach boiling point and I wont be responsible for my own actions.
It keeps barking and howling, and it wont let me sleep. The images in my head wont go away. Im sick of it. I fucking hate it.
Now Im crying…

12/3/2015 6 comments

Ek is jammer…

by Ylem 12/3/2015

written by Ylem

So, I changed my mind. What changed my mind?
I was ready to go through with it. I was tired. I still am. I cant sleep at night, I cant handle the flashbacks of every horrible thing that has happened. But I still decided to stick around.

When midnight hit, I took my rope and the book I write my dark things in to my peaceful place. I wanted my family to find my book and realise how messed up I had been for the past few months.

I sat there smoking weed and drinking gin for a while, enjoying the peace one last time on […]

12/3/2015 11 comments

This is it

by Ylem 12/1/2015

written by Ylem

I had a plan. But things keep moving from bad to worse and worse and fucking horrible.
It was going to be wonderful. Poetic in a way. Peaceful. Painless. Less traumatizing for whoever will find me. But fuck that. Tonight, Im taking a rope to a tree I usually run off to when my parents are at each other’s throats. I always find peace there. Now it’ll be forever peaceful, finally.

12/1/2015 5 comments

Fuck You Life!!

by Ylem 11/30/2015

written by Ylem

Im done…

11/30/2015 20 comments

I feel like shit again!

by Ylem 11/28/2015

written by Ylem

I thought I was slowly getting better. I feel terrible all over again. Family is planning to go to the beach tomorrow, after visiting the cemetery. This just reminded me that we were at the beach 6 days before my brother died. He was talking about life, my life. How important it is that I hold on. But I cant. Not without him.
Just now, my parents told me that my cousin commited suicide because he couldnt deal with my brother’s death. They had said his death was an accident. He died just weeks after my brother died.
I see myself cutting tonight or getting […]

11/28/2015 9 comments

Rage… Keeps Rising

by Ylem 11/27/2015

written by Ylem

I live in a shitty town in an even shittier country. Every person my age (Im 22) either has a baby or 2 or 3…, heavy drug users (some street made drug called Whoonga), school dropout, etc etc.
I powered through my depression and finished high school the best student in my school and enrolled in medical school. Next year will be my final year. It has been tough. I have worked hard, powered through so many suicidal thoughts and had so many family problems.
People standing on the outside looking in think it has all been easy.
An entire family of supposed Christians started […]

11/27/2015 8 comments

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