kismet

Pieces of one of the most profound posts I’ve ever read on SP.  He explains it much better than I ever could.

“it wasn’t until i actually tried to recover, that i realized just how much further i’d still have to go…”

It’s like you think “if i could only just make it to status-x… i’d be okay.”

But then you get there, or take a few steps in that direction, and realize it’s even further away than you thought, when you were already thinking it was too far away to reach.

I find this particular aspect of depression most troubling, as it seems to resonate with every person […]

Today finally feels like Spring, but that’s not the reason for my light-heartedness as compared to the heaviness of the past few days.  I’m re-thinking my re-think.  Today was going to be my day.  I’m going about things ‘as if’ it still were…. tidying, doing a last load of washing.  But god damn, I wish I didn’t have to go get my tyre issue sorted on my car.  That was meant to be done by now.  I don’t feel like my lighter mood is at odds with what I’m contemplating.  I’m sure a lot of you understand the freedom that comes.  I’m just going about […]

Hi guys.  I’m just putting this up for anyone who may not realise I’ve changed my name.  And if you’ve never heard of me before, well, that’s fine too.  I just want to update anybody who’s interested.

I  want to talk about how I’ve gone through a huge change of heart this week.  This week, well in 2 days time actually, I had my plan set for it to all be over.  I had set up my gear and even began writing notes.  I was planning to tidy up my house as much as possible and get things in order.  I even planned to buy a […]

I’m just so tired of trying to be what everyone else expects me to be. So tired of trying to fulfill expectations. I just need to get off the radar for awhile.

It was my time of the month and it was late… only by a couple days, but enough to freak me out as I hadn’t been completely careful with my boyfriend.  Thank God I’m not pregnant.  That would have definitely not have been in the plan.  For many reasons.  For one, I was forced to give the two children I already have to their Dad to look after as I was (and am) in a very bad state of health.  Not just mentally, but physically as well.  Even if I was in a better position to have another baby, it just wouldn’t feel right if […]

Things have been going ok.  I won’t say great, because I don’t think a 10/10 is ever gonna happen for me.  I got back together with my boyfriend.  So why am I not deliriously happy you ask?!  Well, he’s a great guy.  A sweetheart.  But I’m a lot older than him and, although he says age doesn’t matter, I look at his gorgeous face and think ‘that’s what you say now.  But in a few years you’ll probably want someone your own age.’  I don’t doubt his sincerity, I just feel like I have a few more years of knowing on him.

Anyway, why am I […]

Should arrive tomorrow. That may be a bit hopeful, but definitely this week. Thought I’d found a bit of hope to clutch on to, but he door-slammed me, apparently. It was my own fault for disappointing him. Anyway, as they say, a catalyst can be a good thing sometimes. It’s such an emotional roller coaster to be thinking yes I’ll do it, no I won’t, yes I will. For all I know, tomorrow he’ll reconnect with me. But for now I’m on the down hill. Let’s see where the next few days take me. Thursday or Friday the weather seems to improve so I won’t […]

I had very little money from the sale of my first house.  The one I couldn’t keep because I lost my kids.  I was homeless- not enough for a deposit on another place, so they so generously gifted me the little bit extra I needed.  However, banks have now tightened their rules and now my parents (who are wanting to move) are finding it impossible to get a new house due partly because they are at retirement age and neither are working full time.  I of course feel guilty.  A waste of space, taking up the resources from this house I’m in that they could […]

For years I have been running from reality. Afraid to face up to it. I’ve been pushing through times when I felt I would physically collapse. I’ve been in denial about what I could truly cope with. I kidded myself that I was coping with being a solo Mum, working a part time job, keeping a house going and trying to keep a relationship going all while suffering from a debilitating illness. 7 years of this and I have to face up to the fact that I just don’t think it’s in me to get better. There’s just too high of a mountain to climb and all […]

Needs a BBQ, don’t you think?

Out to be on own.  I thought all sorts of stunningly wonderful things would happen – alone, I could totally focus on all my problems and get a handle on them.  I would have peace. Well, wait.  That didn’t happen.  A change of scenery wasn’t the answer.  Now I just have being broke to add to the list of reasons I don’t want to be here.  This isn’t going how I planned it.

Last night I started writing a list of my favourite 100 songs.  I realise that nobody in my life would even know any, most likely.  I don’t let people in.  I never have […]

I have a chronic disease.  Which means lots of fun symptoms.  The latest one is I have a hive-like rash *ahem* somewhere, which I won’t mention.  But the worst one is definitely the burning eyes.  Some days I’m lucky to get away with not experiencing that, but last night I got woken up by my cat, howling and jumping from my bed to my dresser, wanting to get out.  I was forced to open my eyes in the middle of the night which is never good…  it sets off the burning, shooting, tearing feeling, with tears streaming down my face.  This carried on for the […]

I guess I underestimated my ability to be able to afford to live on my own, without a job.  I suppose I’ll have to give up eating…  which could be a good thing, or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it.

Maybe this, maybe that.  Maybe improve your diet.  Maybe find a new place to live.  Maybe go to therapy.  Maybe try to get over your social anxiety.  Maybe that will make your life worthwhile.  No!  Just no!  I’ve lived in Maybe Land for too long.  I’ve tried and tried and tried.  And I have tried enough to know that I can NOT make the improvements needed.  I just can’t.  I am coming to accept that instead of grasping at these seemingly never-ending straws that life so cruelly holds out to me.  I haven’t cried in a long time now.  I’m just numb.  I have lost […]

Come what may.  I no longer care enough to take preventative measures for the natural occurrence of possible illness.  If there is a result of my carelessness, well, I can live with that.  Or, to be more precise, hopefully I won’t have to.

wake up after a dreamless sleep and think, omg, that is what it is going to be like!  I just can’t seem to fathom never having any memories or thoughts ever again.  Maybe it’s just not something any of us ever can understand.  Some will argue that is what it was like before birth, but to me it’s different.  We never had any experiences to remember or think about.  I just.. don’t know… I can’t get my head around it.

Some say it gets better.  Some say it never gets better, we only get better at dealing with it.  But why do we need to get better at dealing with it?  Who the hell wants to get better at dealing with scooping water out of a sinking boat that’s coming in faster… faster… faster?

That’s the point I’m at.  And most of us are at.  How do we know when we’re fighting a losing battle?  How do we know when to throw in the towel?  I sure as hell don’t know.  I wonder, is there enough wrong in my life for me to leave this place?  But […]