I want to do something so badly. I want to go on an adventure, but I somehow feel like I’ll regret it. I want to do something I will enjoy since I really haven’t felt anything positive recently. I desire to search for something that will get me out of this downward spiral. I want to do something so badly, but I don’t even know what it is I should be looking for or what I should be doing. Maybe my mind is giving me a false sense of hope again… maybe it’s making up these fake fantasies so that I’ll feel worse. I just […]
Chronic Pain
hey this is my first post…… itll be a long one….. i dont expect anyone to read it or care but idk what to do anymore…….
my girlfriend and i were meant for each other, it seemed we were perfect for each other. we both had/ have problems (depression, anxiety, etc. all the fun stuff) but we always helped each other. it all started ten months ago, and it grew fantastically. weve done everything together……. we loved each other for what seemed like forever and would always be forever……. and then school started up again….. (first let me say that she also kinda has ptsd from […]
I don’t know what to do anymore. I can feel my motivation and energy just draining from my body. Soon enough, I won’t be able to keep this up. I know that people are always telling other people to seek ways to fix their problems, but what if I don’t want things to get better? Is this normal…? Do I deserve to feel this way? What if I want bad things to happen? I guess the reason I feel like this is because I feel like my reason for being depressed isn’t good enough. Or maybe it is good enough, but I just don’t think […]
It doesn’t ever get better does it? I’ve been feeling like this for 6 years and I keep trying to tell myself things will get better. They don’t. It feels like the world is constantly falling apart and rebuilding itself around me. Every time it rebuilds it looks bigger and better it seems like it’ll finally be the thing that makes me happy. Then, more spectacularly than before, it crumbles. It crumbles suddenly and wholly. I don’t think I can handle any more of these demolitions of my life.
i just… okay so my best friend got to know about the reason of my depression through here and i was planningto tell her but couldnt get it out of me.. now that she does know i dont know what to do but to isolate myself and i dont know what to say anymore…
things have be so grimm lately and my behaviour towards her is so unjust i hate myself not being able to come to peace with myself and tell myself that its okay, whats done is done move on.
I just cant and i dont know what to do. Maybe self isolation is my […]
My Letter of Resignation….
To Whom It May Concern, (aka Life, the Universe, M.H., etc)
It may have come to your attention some time ago, that I am no longer happy. It may have come to your attention that I have no intention of staying around and being a puppet anymore.
As I type this, I realize, it has come to your attention, for you are the cosmic force that drives me further and further into my abyss of madness. You have pushed me into a Wonderland where the Mad Hatter not only makes more sense but is my counterpart in the void between. The Queen […]
Is buy a gun. As an insurance policy. I hate being alive. There are times where I forget that fact. Where I’m capable of distracting myself from the obvious reality of my irrelevance and idiocy. But then it hits me like a mountain falling on me. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t have to use the gun. I can hold off. But having it in my back pocket the ability to leave when ever. It’s illogical to think that i’ll ever have anything other than mediocrity as the best I’m capable of. I’ll always have a million anxiety triggers and depression triggers. I’ll always fuck […]
And stressed. Time is running out, we don’t have a real plan, and my hours have been cut back down to 10 so I don’t have money to eat anything let alone save a penny. I had been trying to sell a collection of things I have that by any normal means, anyone else could sell for at least $1000 total out of everything. But because it’s *me* and the entire community believes horrible lies about me, plenty of people have piped up to “warn” people of me and the (false) accusations against me to keep people from buying so that I have no fucking […]
Nobody asks. They don’t bother. I wish they would see what’s going on inside of me. Maybe I’ll drop more hints. That should work, right? No, it does nothing. They don’t take me seriously. They don’t care. I’m just an inconvenience to everyone around me. I wonder if they would care if I really did die. Or would they joke about it like how I’ve seen them do before with other people. Would they cry? Or would they laugh? If I do end up breaking one of these days, I hope they realize how much stress I’m under… maybe if I make it […]
Sitting in my bed waiting for the sun to come up after another sleepless night. I’ve already decided that I’m not doing anything I had planned tomorrow, instead I’ll procrastinate another day. I’m trying to imagine a world where I could be happy, and in every perfect scenario, I’m miserable. I think, maybe, that heaven or hell doesn’t come after this. I think maybe this is already the latter. Maybe the point of this world is to prove you have what it takes to get to heaven. I like that sentiment but I don’t think I have what it takes. Maybe if I end it […]
I wake up every morning and live a normal life. I go to class, I work, I see friends. I am a provider of more jokes than anyone else. Every day I feel like I’m trapped in a happy go lucky persona that I’ve created as a cover for how I feel. No one ever sees how much everything hurts and at first that’s how I wanted things. Now I just feel alone, more alone than when I started thinking about ending it.
How do I make everyone hate me? That way, when I’m gone, nobody will miss me. I don’t want to be cared about by anyone anymore. I think it’s better if they just gave up on me. I don’t think life will ever get better. All it has shown me is that it always gets worse. Everyday is just the same routine of loneliness and self-hatred. Everyday I so desperately wish I would be left alone. Yet, at the same time, I so desperately wish someone would save me. I tend to have contradicting thoughts. That’s what makes me difficult to understand. I don’t even […]
First..i think i have a social anxiety disorder..im still not sure since i haven’t done any counseling..i already search the symptoms and so on..i wanna ask my parents to take me to a psychologist..but i cant..im afraid that they’ll think its something so serious that they wont stop bragging about it too much..im afraid of what kind of outcome will it be..im not so close to my parents since they are both in other country and im here leaving in my apartment with my sisters..if im going to ask my sisters instead, they’ll probably not believe me because im totally different when im with them..they […]
I can’t help but wonder what it would hurt to die.
Does the relief of the emotional pain ending override physical pain?
I have no path in life. Just children who depend on me and I feel like I’m failing them.
I hate everyone and everyone hates me. I look like a transvestite, I’ve always been called names for not being hyper feminine. Dyke, transvestite, ugly.
I’ve been most of my life on the streets.
I always feel like an imposition.
My own mother sees me as a mistake. Hasn’t called in years.
My father disowned me after abandoning me for 16 years.
My step dad, who is now on my birth certificate,told […]
What’s the point?
At the end of life, at the end of everything, it doesn’t matter what I’ve done or what I have or have not accomplished in my life. In the end it doesn’t matter. Nobody will care. Nobody will remember me 100 years from now. Nobody will know my name. Nobody will notice. Why am I trying? I so desperately wanted to leave an eternal legacy of my existence, but I have found out that even that probably isn’t possible. Why can’t I force myself to just give up already? I’m sick and tired of the way everything is. I hate the world. I […]
I stopped myself from killing myself back in 2013. My family and friends shut me out after being kicked out of a musical, and my life was ruined. I stopped myself from stealing my grandmother’s car and driving away to somewhere else. I got over that with my conversion to Atheism, as I found that relying on God to fix my problems was just dumb. I was good.
I’m 16 now. I’ve gone through more experiences in my life now, and I thought I changed, maybe even matured. I wrote this tonight realizing that nothing changed. Nothing gives me joy anymore. I stopped playing video games, […]
I think I’ve made a decision if things go bad again. I think I would rather just end everything instead of leaving, that way all of my problems will be eliminated. It’s really hard to imagine that things have gotten so bad. This entire year has been so hard. I never thought things could get even worse… until they did. In the past, I thought things were bad, but I never realized that was only the beginning. I always expected things to get better because that’s what I was always told. Why did things end up like this? I never expected any of this to […]
There was a time in my life that I would have looked in the mirror, seen what I now once again see and run. Fly away…escape in flight, run back into the night, where in the end, I have always belonged.
Time is that ever horrible tick of deep space; that reminds me that I am worthless and nothing will ever change that. That there is only one path in the end. I’ve seen all the roads and no matter what, change will never come, for there is only one road in the end to be had.
Once again, the clock starts the countdown…for I now, completely […]
The son of the ocean god drowning in the sea….Something mildly poetic about that, but yes I digress many upon this website wish to die so badly that none can save them that only have depression and have hit a miserable spiral, but I suffer from a mixture of Asperger’s syndrome along with social anxiety disorder….Yes you can see my issue and how screwed I truly am.
I have a aptitude for chemistry and know by which means I wish to die….Hydrogen sulphide obtained through a collection from a condenser so thus the parallel to the god above in that I am a chemist wishing to […]
I have chronic pain. It’s curable, but doctors don’t know shit and don’t want to invest time to research it more. They don’t take me seriously, i always have to fight to try a treatment or keep getting my medication (painkillers but also special creams etc)
I am tired of this. My immune system is fucked up too, i could actually say i feel like i have all symptoms of HIV. I don’t have HIV.
I don’t have a cool condition like CANCER or ARTHRITIS. No, my doctors even called mine psychosomatic.. which it isn’t. It’s only like.. 30% psychosomatic. The rest is physical. Real.
I don’t wanna […]