General

Just one thing after another. Starting classes really soon and I know I’m not cut out for it. Car’s fucked up. I’m broke af. Family’s in a pretty rocky spot and can’t do shit about it. And wow, imagine that, still being a leech on what’s around me. The people I’ve been living with have been helping a lot with certain things esp regarding the school and the car and I feel like shit about it. More money down the drain on their end. I wish I would’ve stayed at that job at the nursing home. It might’ve killed me, but I wouldn’t have died […]

Is it okay if I share all these things? What is it like to be loved? What is it like to be alright and not just pretend to be alright even if you’re pretending without noticing? What is it like to be stable? What is it like to love someone? What is it like to feel like you’re not so alone?

Why does it never last? Why do the good times feel so short and the bad times feel so long? Why is intimacy so scary? Why do people make fun of me when I’m just being myself? Why is it funny?

Is it funny? […]

at this point, i know that no matter what happens in my life, things won’t get better. i’ve tried medication, therapy, religion, relationships, solitude, starvation, exercise, self-harm. i can’t look at myself in photographs and the thought of leaving the house and having people see me makes me feel physically ill. i often start crying randomly in public and can’t stop — it is embarrassing and has ended friendships. i am so sad that i am nearly unbearable to be around. even my closest friends need breaks from my company, and while i understand on some level, it’s also painful and makes me feel distanced […]

It’s amazing to me just how much alcohol/weed/other drugs effects your mental and emotional states. Even when you dont currently have a buzz, it is effecting you. I hadnt even realized it.

But I have spent the entire summer so far 100% sober off of everything. The money I used to spend buying alcohol, I saved that up, and now I have an appointment on the 26th of this month to get all of my prison tattoos covered up. I have lost 30 lbs since mid May, when I quit drinking and getting high. Im doing better in school. I spend my free time exercizing, or […]

Do you feel stuck in life? Why

Asked ChatGPT how Van Gogh died. Got flagged for violating usage policy??

So much for suicide awareness in the 21st century.

I just realized I had a strange visitor the other night in a dream, I’m not certain what night he showed up. However what night doesn’t matter. The issue is that the emotional charge changed. Previous times I was pretty sure I wanted to kill him, and this time I didn’t. I think I even commented on it in the dream, because it was strange.

The thing is that I’m not sure what really happened to him, and I don’t want to know. He was my best friend in high school, but he showed up again after my divorce and we lived together for awhile until […]

Why are we strangers when our love is strong why carry on without me

Sometimes for comfort (or torture?) I visit the site facesofsuicide where people post pictures & tributes to those who have killed themselves. It’s basically a wall of hundreds of faces, really sad and sobering. You can click on the faces and it leads to their name and maybe a short description, but that’s all.

To me it’s so incredibly tragic that these people were in so much pain that they offed themselves, and history will never know their story. Just faces in a crowd. But maybe they would want it that way? idk

Some days I want the world to know everything (after I’m dead) so they […]

… So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell? Blue skies from pain?
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?
… How I wish, how I wish you were here
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl, year after year
Runnin’ over the same old ground, what have we found?
The same old fears, wish you were here
Wish I wasnt here, to be clear

Are We the “Crazy” And “Defective” Ones Or Is Society The One That Is Messed Up?

It’s like that quote “it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society” –
-Conforming to societal norms does not equate to true well-being, especially if the society itself is flawed.
-It implies that genuine health encompasses more than just fitting in and may involve questioning and challenging unhealthy societal structures.

It’s like when the first people who questioned and challenged that the Earth was not flat were told they were crazy, stupid, out of their minds, and ridiculed. Now, ofc, we “know […]

In the US, we have been propagandized by greedy corporations and religious organizations to view suicide as a sin, as something evil or selfish. Much profit is to be made off of people’s suffering. Sad? Why, just take some happy pills for the rest of your life! Psychiatric pharmaceuticals is a TRILLION dollar industry.

But in other countries, like Japan for example, “The general attitude toward suicide has been termed “tolerant”, and in many occasions Japanese society sees suicide as a morally responsible action.”

We would do SO much better if suicide or depression wasn’t so stigmatized. It’s crazy how we all […]

I sure would. This sounds like a badass idea to me. Soeul opened 4 convenience stores where ppl are encouraged to chill, watch movies, low-level socialize or just sit there and exist with others.

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cgkrge6e0z4o

I think the key is that they’re giving out free ramen noodles. Who’s gonna turn down free stuff? It’s a great incentive to get people to go, especially people like me who are skeptical of social gatherings. But hey I would go for the free food and maybe hang for a movie.

South Korea has the 2nd highest suicide rate in the world, and researchers think it’s because they went from a traditional […]

This movie was my awakening as a young man, the movie is called Hair from 1979 and it has an interesting relationship to the counter cultural movement. It is an idealistic picture of what the counterculture of the 1960s was based on my research. My parents didn’t find it very accurate. None of my family did. This was my teen rebellion, becoming bisexual and liberal.

I found somewhere to put my anger and passion that aligned with my values. At the same time behind the scenes the hook and reel were baited to pull me back towards conservative society; women suddenly found me exotic, specifically conservative […]

All these plans and I probably don’t have what it takes to see even half of them come true. Had a job interview today. Was about an hour and half. Went ok until it didn’t. Pretty bad at answering engineering questions. The stuff I would be doing. You could tell they weren’t exactly impressed. No big deal. Not really that interested in the job anyways. I was a lot less interested before the interview because I didn’t understand somethings, but still not something I’m super excited to be working on. Doubt I’ll get a call […]

I don’t feel like writing down reasons and causes on a tear stained collage ruled notebook page but I can’t leave without a final message. From a mediocre ap student who’s essays were always a little too amateur, this is the most grand writing I will ever put out into the world. I know no one will read this or see it, certainly not my family or friends, but screaming into the void is a perfect conclusion to my life. I’ve never been special, I always thought I was somehow destined for grandeur. I now see that mindset as a coping mechanism for my overall […]

I’m already a bit depressed about the new job, which isn’t good. I’m sure I’ll rally once I’m working. Money is quite an anti depressant. Also I get to be outdoors and driving, both of which I enjoy.  There’s more to enjoy in the job,  there are just philosophical and moral issues.

The gig is inspecting houses for insurance  purposes  and for the purpose of after a house is already in bank ownership/ mortgage default. I’ll be a contractor and the money is sort of decent. I still need to find out the hours.

The fact is I don’t work for anything but evil companies, so  finding […]

What is even normal these days? Can you define it?

I do hope that the people from here I fell out of contact with, whether due to life or other circumstances, wherever you are, I hope you are all okay.

I was not in a good place when I met these people, and even though I was losing it for a bit, I met people who I felt a level of kinship with, and hope they managed to get somewhere good in their lives.

I sometimes go through emails and old chats, and I feel like that version of myself is so far removed from the person I am today.

I miss how much I cared for people […]

At what percentage is your wish to die? For me it’s like I want to die at a 90 percent sometimes 99 percent desire out of 100 but there’s this 10 percent that keeps me here