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I don’t know how to feel about myself right now. I have been doing so many wrong things, just so I don’t feel bad. Just so at the end I feel worse. Too many parties, to many guys… Not so much shots. I feel so lost.
My family doesn’t know that I’m gay. In fact, they think I’m straight. Sometimes it seems like they try to push sexuality on me. It’s weird. They say that I should get a girlfriend, get married, have kids, and all that shit. I tell my parents that I don’t want to get married or have children and they don’t believe me. They think that just one day, I’ll meet the right girl.
To be honest I’ve never been kissed, held hands with, or hugged someone romantically. In fact, I try to avoid touching people. Relationships seem so foreign to me. I see a lot of people […]
Only 17 years old and I have so much to say and I would never be able to remember it all to write it down at once. I don’t understand the purpose of our species, we are reckless and materialistic. The closest people to me don’t even know that I think of suicide nearly every night, I go to work and wonder if the people I work with can even sense that I hate life. I’ve been thinking about it for years, and i remember being younger and trying to hold my breath until I died underwater but obviously that doesn’t work. I’ve pondered the […]
I hate school, its one of the worst places. The people in my high school are idiots, they’re oblivious. Then again I’m too afraid to talk to others. I don’t mind learning but when I have to sit in rooms with people around me that don’t even see passed to door of the classroom, with lives so shallow my foot wouldn’t even be covered if I stepped in. It disgusts me, I find learning very easy, which is unfortunate because it just gives me more time to sit and think as if I don’t do it enough at home. I feel like a shell and […]
I have always speculated the meaning of my existence, but to no avail. I do not believe that anything has a purpose. There is actions and reactions but the universe has no motifs. Thus I find myself believing there is no reason to live. I don’t think many people talk openly about things like this but I wonder if and I the only one that does. Some people kill themselves from depression or other emotions, but for me its just a rational philosophical view that I do not need to exist. I need some enlightening, 17 is too young to be thinking like this.
Can’t believe I’ve myself again here. With a new face, a new body, a new name… a new me. Still the same old s* happens. It’s been years since the last time I was here. Can’t believe I’m actually back to be honest. I’ve been trying to avoid my reality, to not overthink it and I just realize that all I did was cheating myself. I’m broken again. I’m empty… again. And all I can think of is disappearing… I just want to be in peace. Am I ever going to get it?
How did i find this website? umh yes i was looking up overdose options. idk i’m at the point of my life that even though im so young i’m kinda ready to throw in the towel, i’m pregnant and i’m being forced to have an abortion, i dont want to cus its just horrible, but it that happens i rather just go with the baby too. maybe im over reacting im not sure but i feel too depressed.
Is it wrong, should I push through this and give my baby a chance at life even though he wont ever know his real mommy? Baby isnt viable yet not that it makes me feel any better…I just cant last through the rest of my pregnancy.
Every day is harder to live..I already have everything ready for me to go..the dad couldnt care less about me, but claims to want the baby even though initially he told me to abort it. I cant leave the baby alone with him when Im gone, hes an addict and his new girlfriend hates me and will hate my […]
I fought when you couldn’t,
I stood tall when you wouldn’t,
I worked my fucking ass off just to get nowhere and I shouldn’t.
You had me rapped around your fucking finger,
The days I’d see you id just fucking linger.
The walls around me yeah they start to quiver,
Now I’m stuck here thinking did I deliver?
Well I ‘m not being made a Fucking fool,
Quit trying hard and acting like a major tool.
What you think you can just walk in and make up all the rules?
Fuck your shit off cause you’re not that cool.
if youre reading this there is no point. you might as well leave. its just another worthless piece of shit whinning about their life. im actually suprised im even typing right now. i havent eaten in 2 days and i have no motivation for anything. Nothing. im actually severly annoyed that im typing right now, my bones are actually aching. they probably ache from laying in bed for the past two weeks. i only get up to shit or piss or smoke a cigeratte. although im not shiting because there is nothing in my stomache. the only reason i havent killed myself is because im […]
Nothing is getting any better. I thought that after cancer I could face anything… that the world had to throw me some sort of bone, but it hasn’t. I don’t know what to do anymore. The only thing i wake up for is my job… and here people are constantly yelling. I get scared and i want to be held… but the only man who i trust to hold me cant stay here for much longer. i dont want to rely on him to be my savior. frankly, i’m tired of being saved. I want nothing more than to sleep, but as of late, that’s […]
Some of us come on here at our lowest, and we momentarily lose ourselves in trying to help others, sending out positive thoughts because we can’t muster up any for our own miserable lives. It just sucks to see my posts deleted with no explanation given. If I slipped up, fine, but how about (like admins do on other sites) editing the post with a bunch of asterisks where the offense was? Rather than deleting 3 or 4 paragraphs which somebody spent a lot of time and effort trying to compose? A lot of times I’m barely conscious when I post here, and I come […]
I have an amazing beautifal sweet caring loving girl. She’s psychologically sound and cant understand my plight. As i was doing so good for a while. I had a job making 32 bucks an hour 64 on weekends and i threw it all away for no other reason then i didnt like it and hated the boss. I sometimes wonder if having a girl who’s been where im at would be any different? One who understands me. From experiance. Like we could help each other . My girl is too normal as wierd as that sounds and i feel like shit sayin it
I’ll stop trying to get close to anyone. I’ll stop trying to fit in. I’ll stop trying to find someone to stay by my side.
I can’t forget you. I keep hearing you whispering in my ears. Whenever I close my eyes, I still see you. I can’t accept anyone because I still remember you. What is the point of me trying to find someone else to stay with me, when I myself keep rejecting them? Why would I hope to find someone, if I know in the end I will leave them because they are not you? Why the hell would I pretend […]
the lawn seems empty
the sky looks clear
the imminent danger
seems no where near
someone steps out
gun in hand
somebody runs
somebody stands
no one seems phased
he loads the gun
why do they walk
why don’t they run?
the sky turns red
and so does the road
somebody screams
as the blood starts to flow
the laws have crumbled
it’s a free for all
black is the trend
and decency falls
corpses lay mangled
in allies and streets
laying in stacks
and on the concrete
hanging from streetlights
and hanging from trees
nobody cares
as long as they bleed
if someone’s not hanging
they’re hanging others
from children and […]
I’ve been stolen
And I know I can’t be found
To which these eyes can’t understand
Life’s been destroyed
And am I now
Without regards to who I’ve been
Treasured times have taken me
Far beyond the whispered willow tree
Ideologies
And simple needs that burden me
Will rest here in this place
Where was I going
I never figured out
I couldn’t wait
I want it now
That’s my testimony
It’s all I had to show for myself
Cause I’ve been stolen
And can’t be found
To which these arms keep reaching out
Can’t fill a void when all is lost and alone
In my over 30 years of being chronically suicidal and depressed, I’ve tried drowning myself by swimming out far into the ocean until I became exhausted (but I was “saved” by fishermen, though they had a bit of difficulty landing me in the boat, because I fought like hell). I’ve tried poisons, and massive doses of acetomenophen and morphine (put me in a coma for a while). I’ve tried cabon monoxide poisoning by charcoal (but my only neighbors came home unexpectedly, returning early from […]
Ok, so GW is in fact LL, but the reason for that is not as malevolent as many may seem. I was in the hospital for 1, 5 weeks and after felt somehow weird to start writing you guys again with LL. Felt as I had no energy to start writing and talking again; somehow wanted to forget the former self of mine – the sick one. And I guess I thought I’ll die soon anyways so what’s the point, even though many cared about my well-being and destiny. Very selfish of course, but I’m starting to be mentally very unstable knowing my disease and […]
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