General

I really feel like mentally I can’t handle any of this anymore. I try to remind myself of my friends but it seems useless, I just want all the pain to go away. Sometimes I feel like I can get better, I’m 11 days clean and I’m eating more now but it isn’t helping, I still have a strong urge to die and I hate it, I hate myself for wanting to die, but nothing is making this feeling go away and I think I’ve fallen too deep into this hole. If you guys want to know my story it started when I was little. My parents would hit […]

ever imagine,
a life not like this,
one where you smiled,
and weren’t in an abyss.
ever even think
that there was good to be found,
ever thought you’d feel,
safe and sound?
You didn’t see the horrors,
you didn’t hear the screams,
you didn’t fear daylight
and you didn’t have to bleed,
only in our dreams right?
cause were stuck in the night.
only in a daze right?
cause were still livin with this fright.

Imagine
what would happen
if the world sudddenly was good,
where people would be laughin,
instead of dying where they stood.
Imagine…
imagine the impossible,
the improbable,
the un-knowable…

Ever dream […]

i have lived 42 years. there isnt much i havent done.  i had beauty and intelligence and much success as measured even by societal standards. i have my masters, made Vice Pres before i was 35, achieved a 6-figured income before i was 30, was married to an attorney with 3 children, had a 5500 sq ft home on the water, i have traveled nationally and internationally, i by all standards have seen and done it all…

i have never experienced happiness or joy– ever.

i used to think my childrens births were joy or happiness now I see that I was excited bc I thought I’d […]

It makes me sad that the only time I feel content is during the day.
It’s like at night is when all the bad things pour out. They seep through my pores and sleep in my eyelids. Whoever is reading this, if anybody is at all, I’m sure you know what I mean, right? Surely I’m not the only one. Night time is when things seem to crash down on you, and it sucks. Like it really really sucks. I wish that life wasn’t like this and I wish I wasn’t like this. I feel really content right now, just today. Probably due to my […]

It’s a new day, seize it.
Go for a walk, take a bath, find a grassy field and read a damn book.
Change something. Dye your hair, cut it, try on a new outfit, do your makeup differently.
Help someone across the street, buy a stranger coffee.
Small things make you feel better about yourself, I promise.

So, I went to the bank yesterday. It was kinda funny.

First, I asked the girl at the door about setting up a Transfer on Death for my checking account. She called it Payable on Death but whatever. Then she says sure, she can do that for me. I say, that’s great and tell her I’m going to pay off my credit card bill first and will be right back. Then I walk over to the teller and make my payment (EDIT: to the bank I am at and on the card from that bank with a check from my account at that bank).

So, when I […]

This is a poem I wrote a few months back… I find that poetry is the only thing that calms some of the pain…

Thy sweet embrace,

so tender and soft,

thy lips laced with poison

so as to set me aloft.

Thy gentle touch,

such a loveless caress

thy only aim;

free me from life’s depress.

Thy black eyes,

void of any emotion

thy hath come to get me

to add me to thy soul ocean.

Thy dark cloak,

designed to conceal

but with me here alone,

a hand thou reveal.

Thy raise thou scythe,

my blood runs cold

I swallow my fear

and stand strong and bold.

Thy lower thy blade,

swift and sure

and in and instant,

I am no more

I feel alone in this house. A boyfriend who constantly throws names at me like ‘fat slob’ or ‘fat fucking *****’. The one person who is suppose to be there for you and love you unconditionally is the ONE person who makes your life a living hell! I am the mother of your child for god’s sake, have some respect. But that’s too much to ask, I have to sit here and take it. I’m only 21 I shouldn’t be living like this, I should be enjoying life. Instead I’m not allowed to have any friends, I don’t go outside this house. I no longer […]

To all you beautiful people out there that are having a hard time,

You’re all amazing people and very strong too, if any of you need to talk to anyone about your problems/feelings i am here for you! No matter what time, no matter when i will reply and help you through these dark times.

You are all worth a million and no one should be telling you otherwise, i truly understand what some of you may be going through that is why i’m posting this on here today to, help you.

My email for anyone that wants to chat to me about anything and i mean anything..

I need you right now… Where are you? Why have you left me?

I don’t see a point in living, the only reason I have lived up to now is because of you.  Why can’t I be stronger? Why do I have to fall apart all the time.

I want to die…

Each Day Is Harder . The Feelings Of Suicide Takes Over Me A lot . I’ve Been Looking Up A Good Way To Go … Not Necessarily A Good Way But Quick . I Hate Living In This Cruel World . My Mom Doesn’t Love Me And My Dad Tried To Rape Me ! I’m Only 17 ! I’ve Been Rapped 3 Times . I Was Once Drugged By A Man And Dont Remember … I Hate My Life ! Help Me …