General

July 12, 2013.
R.IP. Jacqueline Elise N.
She will be remembered lovingly, and remain in our hearts forever. we will regret the day we told her to die. We will regret the day we made fun of her. We will regret the day we said she was complaining, that she should fuck off. We will regret it all. Jacqueline, smart, top of her class, beautiful, loving, poetic, creative, and dead. All she was learning had weighed her down, her final months were spent saying her hellos as she was never fond of goodbyes. And then, July 13. She said her last hello, and plummeted nearly […]

I swear I can’t keep track of myself. I go from desperately wanting to die, to thinking that maybe things aren’t so bad. I’m kind of at a point where I would like to pick one feeling and go with it. My internal death goes on and on, and then one day I’m ok for a week or so, and then I take the plunge again. I don’t know who I am, and quite possibly have never known. Why is this such a damn challenge? It’s like shit or get off the pot already. Damn life.

The world is spinning around me

I guess I’m supposed to get a thrill

But all I get is dizzy

Most times, everything is as it seems

And it seems a bit pretentious

To be so busy

No offense, but is it real?

All the bounds and leaps we make?

It’s all just spinning wheels

I’m sick of all this water treading

I should be getting somewhere

But I’m a place setting

Here I sit on my anxious hands

Like a good child thinks they should

And I’m losing circulation

I sit and watch life and death dance

Thinking, I should be allowed to join by now

But is it really worth my patience?

Don’t tell me I have time to waste

It makes […]

I feel so at home when I’m here. This is a different place that I have ever been before. I use a journaling website, but the depression sites are usually filled with younger people who  are not actively planning or who have ineffective plans–you know, methods like, “oh, I’ll just slit my wrists” that will likely not work. There are no discussions about debating of methods, pros/cons and the preparation beforehand. I read on here with a fever and excitement that I rarely feel. I feel like I discovered the jackpot–I am rolling in gold-worthy information.

Does anyone else here want to commit suicide–but is deathly (no […]

I don’t know how I got to be like this. And I don’t know how to go back to how I was.

Any form of help won’t assist me in getting better. I’ve thought it through.

If I have a therapist to talk to things about, people will still dislike me. I’ll be even more of an outcast.

If I tell someone, they’ll suppose I’m craving attention, or I’m just being dramatic.

I understand there are people who care about me. But there aren’t any that are here for me physically.

The only thing I want is to let it all out. To cry. To lay out all my problems. […]

I was looking up suicide methods, and I found this site. I’m not sure why I really want to write anything here. My counselor tells me when I mention my suicidal ideations to her that she’s hearing there’s at least one part of me, however small, that wants to live. I think that might be what’s going on here. Or I’m just seeking attention. Or validation… I’m not sure.

In the Fall of ’09, I overdosed in my dorm room. I think I was 18. My friends I was living with decided that I should move out of the room. They were sick of dealing with […]

Born with a genius-level IQ, and zero motivation. Perfect test scores across the board, GPA of 2.2. Good genetic stock, terrible personality. Warped, twisted; a parody. Large muscles, hidden by fat. Great sensitivity enclosed in a shell thicker than can be breached. Likable personality, only in small amounts. Rejected, dejected; in pain. A mockery, that each quality is fundamentally flawed or undermined by a fault, generally so unnoticeable as to be untraceable but by a trained eye. Everything at which I try my hand is that at which I succeed, but those great successes are trifling to others. Every day, an errant thought: perchance, someone […]