General

I am so alone.

I think everyone hates me. Well, they do. They call me fat and ugly, exclude me from every conversation and whisper about me when they think I don’t hear. But I do hear. Every word. And every word hurts. I thought you were on my side. But the words sting more than ever now. I have no one to talk to. I trust one person in the entire world and he’s turned his back to me. I am so fucking alone.

I self harm, but because I have never had to get stitches or go to the hospital for anything I feel unworthy of that title. Like I am posing.

I constantly compare my scars and wounds with everyone else’s, I love seeing them and realise that I am quite obsessed with scars, burns, self harm in general. When I am close enough to see someone else’s arms or legs I can’t help but look at them, just in case they are like me… And when they are, I feel so inadequate.

I want to do more and more and more, because they make me beautiful, I believe […]

no matter how hard non suicidal people try to understand what’s wrong they never get it . they never understand our problems or what to say to them.

But really? How the hell is it I make it through another day? Body, mind and whatever spark of life inside me hurts. I saw an earlier post that described my feelings quite accurately. ” I just feel like shit” so what is keeping me here among the rest of the masses? I’m thinking it is more suicidal to trudge day in and day out than to end it. I know most of you here feel the pain of life, what the hell are we doing? I have never wanted to turn back the clock and change my life. Been in some […]

Sometimes I think there are only three things keeping me on this Earth:

1. The money that my parents have paid into my college education (and the guilt I would feel knowing that I cost them $20,000 of their retirement just for me to dip out of this world right after they’d paid it).

2. My own personal fear of the actual deed of taking my life.

3. The fear of something worse than life for those of us who choose not to stick it out. There’s got to be something worse than this, right?

I’m graduating from college in May. Next month. May 18th at 2:30 P.M., to […]

I fake my smile, day by day,
I want to stop feeling this way,
I want to stop sitting in silence, trembling and shaking.
I want the beat in my heart to stop the aching.
I breath in deeper than deep,
All I want to do is weep and weep.
My strong shield is cracking and breaking.
I have to quit, and stop my faking.
It’s so painful and hard to stay strong.
I just want to be happy, its been so long.
I’ve lost all hope in this thing called life,
Now all I’m depending on is this half blunt knife.

That’s where it started. In subway(the sandwich place), or maybe on the car ride over. But I started to feel this pulling sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and I began to shake…my face burned and guts screamed, I felt like I was being sucked into myself with weight, collapsing. I was with someone. Idk if he noticed or not. I had to escape and breathe or think but everything was heavy. I took two bites total. It was too heavy.
He told me about a tragedy where he was working on Friday. One of the ugly accidents of death, the ones that […]

Death is all that’s on my mind.