General

lol. heres where I’ve finally decided that everyone probably hates me. I will kill myself in a way that i can’t hurt others around me. Selfless action but yet again so selfish.

1. there are four people who i think actually love me

-my brother, well he does but not really. he uses me and manipulates me most of the time to get what he wants. i love him but love is mutual lol

-my mother, she is distant from our family. she just supports me financial. it seems like it takes a pull of hair to even get out and see me at a basketball game.

-my father, […]

When I was about 10 years old, I began to notice how, after survival, power, was the second most important instinct for man kind. As a little girl reaching puberty and as ambitious I must have been born, I asked myself: Who are the most powerful women in history? I came up  with 2. Marilyn Monroe and Cleopatra. What did both of them share? BEAUTY. Unfortunately, at 10 and being tomboyish, I was far from beautiful. I remember having suicidal tendencies even then, as I held a pair of my mother’s panty hose around my neck chocking myself while I looked at Brooke Shields in […]

Why can’t I have a prince charming sweep me off my feet and cure everything that is wrong with me. Why can’t I have someone save me? I think today I came with the conclusion that I can not end my life as easily as I thought. With all these complications. Life is already complicated, and now death is too?? Fuck that. Sometimes I think about how I know I shouldn’t be happy. And there is no shrink that can convince me otherwise. It’s like Inception, the idea is already planted in my head. I shouldn’t be happy, but I can’t help but think.. what […]

To fall asleep and never wake up.

I tried so hard, and i get repayed in fights. Okay. Your so rational. Ive been trying the butterfly project….not woking very welll….im finally done fighting with matt, he gave up…im quite ready for my death, i find it pleasant…ive been pasting a smile on my face and sometimes find it real, shocking right? Well my phone just gave me a heart attack so im gonna go….thats all~

growing up everyone told me that being adopted was cool and made me special and unique. It wasn’t until I was old enough to understand what being adopted really meant that everything changed. A mother and child supposedly have an unbreakable bond of love. A mother has an unconditional love for her child. I was abandoned on the side of the road as a helpless baby left for dead like trash. So now I’m haunted with the fact that if my own mother who is supposed to be the one that loves me unconditionally can’t bring herself to love me who can?? My own […]

Well this week has been hell. i just moved and im so alone.  I so confused about everything. And not only was the week hell i had to go through it without a blade. I lost mine. so a few days ago i burned my right thigh three times. I’ll be honest with you it hurt like a mother. but today i told my parents i was going for a bike ride and i’ll be back in a few. and then i just left. and i rode my bike a cross town went to walmart and bought two red pencils, 5 pens, and a little […]

omg..im sick of bipolar…really just take a trip to hell. my god ur annoying just as much as my sister:/

anyways…..XD ugh! im happy im perfect i have it all..jk i dont. yes i have my phone back…but guess who txts me? my bf…my mom..thats it-_-..and omg! i have my phone backXD buuuuuuuut is my relationship better…hahahah NOPE! he still threatens to leave me completely if i say one negative thing or talk botut self harm…..he also said (due to being in long distanced relationahip) when we meet he wont hug me, kiss me, any physical contact AT ALL if i say one negative thing…instantly […]

A shower than off to bed. Hopefully nothing happens. I’m close to give up.

After i asked her out my life got worse, because she told the school counselors about all my depression stuff, and that i tried to kill myself the night before and right before her and her friends told the counselors i told them when i want help I’LL get it but no i had to spend two fucking hours with some annoying old people wanting to know about my business (again).  then right when i saw tayler (the girl from before) i cussed her out and asked her why the F*** did she do the one thing i asked her not to do i just ugh it was like […]

So another fight with the so called family. My own mother and sister told me just to die and get it over with. Ha shows them how much they “care”. My sister even threw pills at me so I could kill myself. I started to cry my mom looked at me and said oh is just a joke. Maybe tonight is the night.

I don’t know how much longer I can deal with the way I am living.  Death seems so much easier than the struggling I do every day.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I don’t want to struggle and worry all the time.  I want to be happy and comfortable with who I am, only I don’t see that ever happening.

It seems so tempting.  I could just relieve all of this pain in a second.

The person whom I thought had the same feelings for me as I did for him-doesn’t.

The father whom I once looked up to has ended up in jail-yet again.

The friend whom I confided in and trusted- told me she couldn’t care less.

In result, here I am again.

How’s it going guys?

She scares me. I want to get away. Far far away in Neverland. Far away from her.
Aren’t mothers supposed to love? Why doesn’t she? Does she, has she ever loved me?
Does anyone love me?
Why am I here. No one cares… My mother hurts me. My brother turns his eye. My boyfriend… Will he come to save me like he says he will? To take me far far away from here?
Is there anyone out there in the world? Who has the capacity in their heart to even care about me?
I wish I would faint again… But this time god please, […]

You promised me
You said you’d never let me go
You kissed me
You hated on me
You said it wasn’t over
You try to cheer me up
You turn your back on me once again
You say you don’t care about me
You pretend like the pain doesn’t hurt
You pretend you don’t love me
You say to move on
You look sad when I try move on
You say you don’t know what to do
You act like I am not important
You wouldn’t even care if I were too die
So If I did what would you.do with out me

I have been noticing that life isnt a walk in the park. It isnt just something that is always so good. People have to experience the darkness before they experience the light or in other words experience the worst before experiencing the the good that life has to offer. Thats what kept me in the dark, not knowing or seeing the good because I didnt have a flashlight to shine out the dark. I still dont have the flashlight to shine me out the dark but im determined to find it and get out of this hole that we call depression. I have been depressed […]