General

Am I crazy?
I cant seem to write anymore. Everytime I do I get mixed up. Most will think well you wrote this…but thats the thing. It is taking days to right this. Saddness is over running me and were I thought I had it worked out, I dont. I started popping again. For now it just bars. Hell I am thinking about goin back to weed. Everything seem to be bet……….i did care if people called me a slut or a whore. I didnt care if I had no friends…if u were a stoner people just were ok with u and thats all I […]

Ok so yesterday and all of summer I wanted to end my life, Just today I’m coming  up with ways to get better and be successful, maybe school played a part. because as I was in my classes i kept thinking how in 2 years, they won’t matter, We all go our own separate ways! and I’ll never have to see them again…ever It’s comforting when you keep thinking that way instead of a suicidal way.

Unfortunately I am still most likely going to kill myself, but not any time soon, I’m gonna try and if life doesn’t work out then… we’ll see right?

Wake up to a sunny day, not a cloud up in the sky
then it starts to rain.

My defenses hit the ground
and they shatter all around, so open and exposed.

I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my trouble.

When you’re broken in a million little pieces
and you’re trying but you can’t hold on anymore,
every tear falls down for a reason.
Don’t you stop believing in yourself
when you’re broken .

Little girl don’t be so blue
I know what you’re going through,
don’t let it beat you up.

Hitting walls and getting scars
only makes you who you are,
Only makes you […]

i’m going to do it tonight. idk how. probably jump in front of a train. Goodbye Cruel World.

I am just way too tired right now.
I’ve figured I can’t fight anorexia, I can’t fight bulimia, I can’t fight my depression or anything.
It’s living hell and I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve tried, I really have.
I went to church, I took pills, I went to therapy, I talked to my husband. But apparently church is just for the good people, pills are a joke and therapy is just stupid. Everyone I try to talk about treats me like I am just some sort of spoilt teen who knows nothing about life. Think whatever they want, I am beyond the point […]

Hey,

Iv been reading this post for quite some while now. I dont want to bore anyone with my pathetic story, as I am only to blame, maybe in the coming days I might. But I have learnt that life is so cold, I have lost everything. My dreams, the person I loved. I tried to stay strong but I cant, the depression kicks in. I had everything and now I have nothing. Maybe someone can relate to this, maybe you cant. I know Im going to cause pain to people who have met or cared for me. The worst thing is, that I cannot live […]

I feel uncertain about things again. Not that I haven’t felt this way already, but after the whole thing nary seven days ago with the girl and the concert she couldn’t make it to I’ve gone through alot of emotions. First of loss, confusion, regret, hatred, self-hate, and dissapointment. I went to that concert, for the record, with my other friend, and it felt like a bloody dream. I texted her throughout. It was a great night.

And after, I thought, “this isn’t her fault now is it?”. I was letting myself down over the fact she couldn’t make it, and I told myself i should […]

When my eyes shut Im relieved.

When my brain rests Im relaxed.

When Im tired I cant sleep.

When my emotions are over worked I cant tire them out.

Its like Im in a never ending circle of tiredness.

With no will to stop it.

With no energy to relax.

With my body in pain.

With my eyes so wired.

Its like I have no choice.

I decided this morning to sober up after 2 years of living in a perpetual fog. The main reason is because I’m still so high functioning, maintaining a steady job and paying bills, and I’m tired of being so sluggish. I wish I could just cut back but I’ve got an addictive personality (i’m still trying to kick my candy and chocolate habits). Other than the responsibilities of my human life though, I have no reason to be sober.

I can clean myself up, do a bit of therapy and get back to where I was before I let my depression take over. I’ll still have […]

Can anyone direct me to something that will make me believe that is worth living for?  I know it may sound pathetic but honestly, I really don’t get it…. Some people are depressed coz something happened to them and want to end their lives. I don’t agree with it…I don’t want to end my life but I want to find something that will make me wanna live for…now i live coz i have to…I can’t find something that it fundamentally wrong with me or my life, I have an ok job, earn enough money to have a good life, I am gay and I have […]

I felt uneasy this morning because I wasn’t depressed. I know myself and I know that in times like those, I start things and commit to things, which, when the apathy comes back and the excitement melts away, I don’t finish, or I finish badly. Art projects and extracurricular activities and journals and diets and workouts and promises with friends to hang out. Most have all come and gone to shit.

Now, a few hours later, I’m back; I’m feeling hopeless and unhappy and apathetic and tired tired tired.
These extreme moods are draining.

It kills me a little every time I think “Oh, maybe I’m okay now!” […]

Since i love psychedelic rock, i thought i’d share a song for the fun of it

Morgen – Love

Example – You Can\’t Rap some of his songs are shitty RnB, club type shit, but You Can’t Rap, So Many Roads and What We Made are the ones i can think of right now that are hip hop

if anyone is into hip hop, go to www.hyperaptive.com then Lyrics & Songs and just pick a song, i’ll link one of my favourite songs from him

http://www.hyperaptive.com/medication.html

After so long. I am back.

After so long, I realised depression never left.

http://youtu.be/mtafype9Its

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I became suicidal at the age of twelve until I was 24 ish because my knowledge of the world and it’s history was limited to the world view of those who raised me with destructive habits. I kind of knew better when left on my own to just explore nature and have fun. Man’s created world is pretty depressing, but the natural world is exciting and interesting and delightful. Even people can be delightful. I’ve become a lover of life itself and my great goal to is to be an active centurion. Have you ever seen Kino’s Travels? I am 45 now and life is […]

i am done. I am done with life, my family, and my friends. I am really to go. I will prepare everything. I will not say goodbye. I will not leave a note. I dont need to lighten the blow so people can feel fucking better. I know this may sound cruel and all but i dont care i dont care at all. I know they dont care so why even try. I dont know when yet my this week maybe another day. I cant leave another day. See another night and waking up breathing and wishing to be dead. I gone to far to […]