General

I go back through my old posts every now and again to see where I was. Sometimes my problems seem so trivial and other times I remember the deep sadness I had back then. One post I made when I was around 17 I think mentioned that I don’t see myself living past 25. So that number has been in my head for sometime. I guess I just thought it was a good stopping point. I don’t turn 26 until December. There is still time to make good on my promise. Maybe failing this semester will give me […]

Not to complain, but this site has been feeling pretty slow lately (could’ve used a stronger word)…it’s unfortunate, I’ve been coming here off and on for years (under other names)…but I see few people reply any more to posts…it’s too bad.

In some ways I feel the most ‘real’ here…sometimes I say things on SP that I wouldn’t say to those close to me.

I also get the sense that sometimes some people might feel slighted by something you might’ve said, or they get bored with your story and don’t reply any more…it’d be ok if there was a larger group here…I’m not looking to make friendships […]

Is it better to be intensely depressed and hateful of people and hateful of this world, or is it better to cut off all your emotions and feel apathy?

Go ahead- Name something “good” about this shitty world. What have you come up with?

Almost everything “nice” or “good” you can think of generally requires someone to have money to be able to enjoy it- even a “nice walk” in nature. If you live in a shitty neighborhood, there’s no “nice walk.” It’s all garbage and crap around you. ESP where I am currently. And ESP if you live in the city. Trust me, if there were nice areas nearby for me to walk, I would be out more often instead of holed up inside this shithole.

There’s good food, […]

Americans LOVE to blame EVERYTHING on drugs, or alcohol, or video games, or whatever easier thing it is to blame. People do drugs BECAUSE their lives are broken, BECAUSE they feel depressed, NOT the other way around. I mean sure, there are a few who are sane/happy who try it and can’t stop. But most who do drugs do them BECAUSE they are unhappy or have some issues with life, and drugs help them cope/escape.

It’s so annoying and disgusting to see the general populace just brush everything aside like, “oh these ppl are just addicts, and everything is their fault.” Just […]

The worst thing to have ever happened to me is being born. I have no reason to believe in God but part of me wishes he existed so I would have someone to blame for this catastrophe. I wish someone would answer these questions. Why am I forced to take part in life. Why am I thrusted into existence when I’m not equipped to thrive? Did I have to be extremely stupid, ugly and have no useful talents?

Now I’d like to end it all but I’m afraid of the pain that I have to endure in order to finally achieve the peace of […]

Isn’t the model for the five stages of grief outdated? Like it’s a bit more complex than that and the order isn’t even really set, right? I’ve felt anger and sadness already. Denial and bargaining also might have been experienced. I started to donate again to that little food pantry thing by the school. I did it because “I felt like doing something nice.” In actuality, I knew that I did it because a part of me hopes that if I do something good it would do good by me. Bargaining I think. Am I calm now […]

I have nothing against dogs themselves, but I find it SO damn strange/sad that ppl care WAY more about 1 dog/cat/whatever cute pet, than they do about HUMAN lives. If ppl cared for other HUMANS the way they care for dogs/pets, we wouldn’t be in such a shitty, cold, callous world.

I know so many ppl who are so loving to dogs/animals but are such dicks and douches to other humans. Like, they all think they’re SUCH good people bc they love their pets or animals in general, but then 2s later, turn around and be hateful/cold/callous/uncaring to humans. Like at least admit […]

I don’t normally follow celebrities- hell, I didn’t even know this kid was in 1 Direction (and no I don’t follow boy bands, or girl bands, or bands in general).

But I find it strange how the media coverage would never even whisper “suicide.” Is it possible it’s an accident? Sure. Is it also possible it wasn’t an accident? Sure. He was reported to be very depressed.

So the hotel manager called 911 and said he was acting erratically, breaking things, and high on drugs and alcohol. And Liam fell from the 3rd floor. Usually most ppl […]

Jim Carrey is an interesting distorted reflection for me. Due to time of life and circumstance we’re very similar. The same was once true of Robin Williams. I thought he had gotten out. The end bit where Jim is depersonalizing, realizing that even Jim Carrey is a character he plays, that’s where I was awhile ago.

I didn’t realize his life started where it did, in homelessness and despair, and who he was is someone he became for survival.  A role he had to play, I can relate.

The transformation is what causes a lot of emotion in me. How who he was inside changed, he seems […]

I’ve been really itchy today. Just really need to pour out the contents of my head right now. Writing this while I’m in the lab. I don’t think I’ve ever done that. But was too itchy.

I’m unsure where to start. I don’t understand people or how talk to them. For the most part, I kinda hate (too strong a word?) people. I don’t like being around them. I don’t like talking to them. So the majority of my life I never tried. Now I’ve whined on here before about being lonely and seeing other people […]

I’m done mourning the past. I’m ready to move on. I just wish my family would answer the phone. I always daydream about seeing them again and laughing and talking for hours, like it used to be. I miss them so much.

I’m such a fucking loser. I am such a ***** ass fucking loser for allowing myself to be disrespected. Not only is the disrespect happening once again exactly one year later, but this time I know its happening and I am so torn between how to handle it.

I hate that I fucking predicted this. I hate that I knew my girlfriend would go off and cheat on me at her new job and I hate that I was fucking right. I fucking knew it and it fucking kills me. How did this happen to me again in the same way in the same week as […]

I gave up even more last night.  I spent over $2.0000 last night on rare video games I have been putting off getting because of their price tags.  But I feel so hopeless at this point, that I have decided to grab these titles anyway and play them before I can’t anymore.  Carpe diem, right?  Why the fuck not?

I can tell my mind is slipping a bit, because I forgot my phones password yesterday.  That’s never happened to me before.  I tried so many passwords I had to wait 3 hours to try one final time before my phone permanently locked me out.  Luckily, I […]

I have had such a f**ked up life my counselor has called off on the last two sessions on the past month. Like, i can’t be that f**ked up. Its funny and depressing at the same time. Like btch, yes i’m a broken person or atleast damaged.

Ready for some fk’ed up news? i get treated better in jail than the real world. Last year thanksgiving was lit, everybody made like a pie and treated other like family. Something, I never really had in this world.

My mother rather […]

So many years trying to put it into words. Even expressing that time is a form of admitting defeat. In this moment, I’m probably not so awful or monstrous at all to most eyes. Well Sweeney Todd didn’t look too threatening getting off that boat, did he? The monster before it demonstrates it’s ills is just another beast in the vast array that life provides. It would be charitable and foolish to believe those beasts friendly.

Yet I don’t even look like a beast, people admire and praise me. People call me kind and good. It’s sweet how willing they are to not look at the […]