General

I keep going over and over it in my head; what did I do to deserve this? I can’t have done anything that bad. Then I think about some of you that I’ve gotten to know, I know some of you think you’ve done something bad, but bad enough to be stuck depressed and hopeless? I don’t think you’ve done something that bad either.

Maybe it’s an immature approach, assuming that people should get what they deserve. I keep going back over all the awful things I ever did, but haven’t I done penance for those awful things?! I tried to kill someone once, okay, a […]

-_-

For all my ability to shake off chemical dependency, there’s one thing I’m still stuck on; this blasted machine.

A few minutes ago it did that thing that it does every now and then, click goes a fuse. I don’t understand why on a perfectly sunny day, almost no wind.

What it means though is that I have to reboot. It’s almost the only reason I ever have to. Which means I have to close everything… and it’s just irritating and it highlights how dependent and attached I am to this whole machine I am. I’m watching my afternoon show, so that has to shift.

I did notice […]

and your drs- especially Primary Care Physicians- do not listen to you, do not give you the proper lab tests to find out what you have, or refer you to specialists bc they just don’t believe you?

It’s fucking insanity with PCPs act like cockblocks- they are literally gatekeepers keeping you from seeing specialists and from getting proper labwork.

Why does life have to be so sucky? Like tons of stress, worries, money worries, health issues, etc. Just a litany of crap and more crap in our lives? I mean look- most of us are here with REAL LEGIT issues that leads us to have depression- whether it’s a shitty job, lack of a job, shitty pay, shitty boss, shitty asshole neighbors, or our shitty lot in life. Our depression isn’t going to be gone or solved unless our REAL life issues gets solved. And many of our life issues are hard or near impossible to “fix” or get […]

Tell me something to make me feel better. Not the usual “everything will work out and be fine” stuff we always hear bc apparently, everything has NOT worked out well for most of us here on SP.

Maybe a joke. Maybe some funny story. Maybe a link to a YT short. Feeling bleh. -_-

I tell myself that there are certain things I won’t endure, where I’ll overcome my fear of death and end it if they seem imminent. If my past ever catches up with me, for example. Or nuclear war. Or degenerative illness. Points where it seems outright stupid not to kill myself, to spare myself pointless suffering.

But what’s troubling is that my life is already at the point where on balance, it would probably be better for me if I stopped existing. I’m in near-constant discomfort. The pain isn’t agonizing or anything, but it is enough to make sleep difficult. I’m chronically depressed, and I feel […]

Been a while since I’ve come here and posted. Going on 10 years on this platform in some capacity. Some things have improved. Some have worsened. I’d like to think that my semblance of self is still there somewhere.

I was a teen when I started here. I’m more of a man now. Things for me aren’t bad, but I’m wondering about my mental state.

I go to therapy. It does help. I’m glad I finally went.

I think something is wrong with my brain. Maybe I just process things differently. I could well have the mentality of a young teen […]

I applied for my first job in at least a month, and there was a bit of excitement there; you know that feeling of what if I got the job and it would be nice to be working and earning a living and all that….

A few minutes later I realized I applied for one job. What are the actual odds of me getting one job….. the modern market has been pretty bleak. I tried looking in a few more places, and I tried to get interested in anything else and it just wasn’t happening. This was a flash in a pan, I got lucky in […]

We’re at something like four days, which isn’t a lot. I’m more interested in discussing how unremarkable the drop has beeen. I actually think the cannabis was doing less than I gave it credit for, given how the last few days have gone. If it was doing more, the last few days should have gone worse.

This is a pattern with me and drugs, because of how many of them I’m almost always on. I’m almost off the Prozac as well.

It’ll take a month before it’ll do me any good. I guess the upshot is I’m also not smoking.

Cat also came home from the hospital, we’re […]

Who remembers me!

I am now twenty- it’s not my birthday or anything, I just care a lot about being a certain age… and also just to update, if anyone cares to know.

I am here to say, after a hectic life, today, I finally will say- it’s unlikely that i will die by my own hands…I am reborn, by pure chance, strength, luck, will, internal forces…

all is well, all will…continue to be well. I am sorry for escaping the battle with death, I love you, and I wish the best for you.

<3

Compare oneself to others because when I was in school there were guys 6 foot tall at the age of 13. I was 18 before I got to 6ft. There were guys going around with stubble at 14. I was 20 before I started shaving.  There were guys with girlfriends and I’m assuming active at 15. I was 24 before I got a girlfriend and 28 before I was active with women plural. One should never compare oneself….

I’ve decided not to apply for Fall semester grad school, which was my plan for my life.

So, here I am, without a plan. I can’t do what my degree is in, not in this state. I’ve worked for every hospital in the city. I can’t figure out how to afford this move, and without that, I can’t figure out how to have any kind of future.

My parents solution, optimists that they are, is to go back to work. My dad seriously thought I could deliver for Amazon. That’s hilarious. My back couldn’t handle being an electrician, which is WAAAAAY less strain than working as a […]

Life could so easily have been so good. But I allowed myself to become so twisted that I was incapable of seeing that, or of enjoying it. I couldn’t see past all the shame and anger, to take the few small steps that could’ve righted my course. And now I can’t stop tormenting myself over what could’ve been, all those years ago. What should’ve been. I do it in my dreams, and then wake up with this gnawing sense of emptiness and absence, where a meaningful life should be.

I should be that person. I should be in that universe. I should’ve made those choices. But […]

I’ll be moving out soon.

My father may be somewhat stable now but it’s only a matter of time before he has another one of his episodes.

This is what he does. He’s mild most days of the week but he’ll eventually rage again about something. And I refuse to be “the cause” behind his next anger outburst.

No, I’m not some brat, I learned pretty early on as a kid to help with chores and keep the house clean, especially with his temper.

But it doesn’t matter. The crazy look in his eyes will eventually resurface.

A few months back I had attempted to escape […]

My wife’s cat is very sick, apparently his bladder is blocked. The worst part of this is that we found it out at 11:30 PM at an after hours vet. I might be getting ahead of myself, let’s rewind.

It started with my wife asking me to help her find the cat. I guessed he’d found a new hiding place, that happens in our house a fair amount of the time. I asked her the critical questions; whether any of the doors to the outside had been left open, and they hadn’t. So he was inside, therefor findable. After about ten minutes of searching I ended […]

I don’t really want to die, but living is so hard. I have dreams and aspirations like most people do, but for years there’s has just been this empty pit in me. I try so hard to be normal and enjoy life like the people around me do, but I always circle back to this just empty, horrible feeling. I can’t truly see a future for myself. I know what I would want in the future, but I don’t want to actually get there. God, I want to live so bad, truly live, but I just can’t. I’m 20 now. I’m studying abroad, I have […]

Is my perception the problem? That’s what I’m wondering right now. Inflation is going nuts around here. Eggs used to cost $2 for a dozen, now $5. Almost everything is 20% to 30% more expensive. However I ran into the most expensive price hike yet yesterday. I have a good legal supplier for my cannabis that I can buy a whole ounce from at a time, prepack, and I used to be able to get it for $40 back in November. I got $60 out of the bank because I thought I might want to get something else at the store, but I did suspect […]

I remember all the terrible things my father did when I was a kid.

I remember how he used to cuss me and my siblings out.

I remember how we used to get beat.

I remember how my oldest brother and my mom got it the worst.

I remember how much fear me and my brothers had when we’d hear the garage door open, we’d all hurry up to our bedrooms.

I remember how he threw me across my room once

I remember how much he’d tell me that I embarrassed him after a football game and he’d imitate me in a ridiculous manner while explaining to […]

My family wants to flee USA since it is being controlled by the wannabe king. I wish I could tell them to go without me since I hate living. I’m a sad, useless sack of flesh here so why wouldn’t I be a sad, useless sack of flesh anywhere else to go? Even if my consciousness was removed and put into a robot body, I know I would still want to die. I hate existing when I don’t think I ever wanted to. Looking through my past, everything I have ever done was an act of self-destruction.