General

I’m talking permanently, not ppl who experience sadness/depression and okayness/happiness in cycles, even if the cycle lasts years. I mean does anyone with severe depression ever really FULLY shake it off?

Even if there are, I don’t think there’s many that escape. I would gather maybe 10% fully escape/overcame their depression, the majority prolly like 70% are just “managing”/feeling okayish/stable, and the other 20% stay severely depressed for life.

mine seems more like a slow growing cancerous tumor.
or a chronic disease.
sometimes the symptoms go away for a while.
but they always come back.
always.
15 years and counting…

i recently bought a hand-gun for target-shooting and home protection.
in a semi-long period of remission.
if the symptoms ever come back hard-core, i now have really easy means.
i probably signed my death warrant with that purchase.

This post is mainly written for the purpose of self-clarification (like all my posts really). Every day is Groundhog Day, and through denial I continually forget what I am and what I’m doing here.

Being caught between the conclusion that my life is worthless, and the aversion to following through with what that conclusion implies. That’s the space I exist in. Despair, depression. “Everything is pointless, so why do anything?” And “I shouldn’t exist anymore.” But also “death is terrifying, so don’t take the necessary measures to kill yourself.”

My life is “worthless” in my own, subjective terms. I don’t believe myself to be capable of being […]

My fucking thinking as of late has become unsound. There are stages to suicidal ideation and when you hit the critical stage you can feel it. You know you’re going to lose the battle, you’re gonna do something, you can’t think straight. In the aftermath of a suicide an inquest is held and the conclusion of these inquests is always the same namely the suicide took his or her life when their judgment had become impaired. You don’t know what you will do until you get desperate enough. I tried discussing my frame of mind with friends and got no relief. In reality nobody has […]

Honestly, I’m in a bad spot atm.

Some things are a bit better, but I’ve gone down the slump again.

I don’t know what to even do at this point.

I want to start to sell all of my things but it’ll take way too long to get rid of the things I have at this point.

I need a part time job to get extra money to try to start properly saving. I need to get my debts in order.

And yet I just lay in bed. I’m just tired man.

Tired of ny own thoughts. I know I’m a useless weakling. I’m overweight and hugely lacking in social skills.

I’ve […]

My demon came back, ex wife. She’s probably a fine human being when she isn’t being a reminder of every failure I’ve ever had. This is a me problem.

She wants me out of the house. Hey, me too. I called a realtor. Big step, calling someone about selling. It makes it feel more real.

I’m still ringing from having said something to her. She said “that’s nice”…….. this is where my guts went, she ripped them out and still charges interest. Get this done, I’d be free of her forever.

Who would I be without her hanging over me, spectre of past defeat? I can’t wait to […]

Imagine being treated as a fully grown adult by everyone as an autistic who was never even taught shit about fuck by my useless narcissistic mother. I don’t even know how to cook. I don’t think people take developmental disabilities seriously. I read that well over 90% of autistic people living on their own don’t have jobs. Not to mention I have ADHD on top of that. Yessir, I’m alive and thriving! No really, I’m doing just as shitty as the last time you asked me, retard. I just wanna live with my mom. But then she gives me the tough shit act, being the […]

“Ugliest weenie, ugliest weenie we don’t want you in our pack!
Ugliest weenie, ugliest weenie, how we wish we could send you back.”

some of you have speculated, where do I get this joy; stuff like this, morbid dark humor. Music is a big part of any success I have. Usually stuff I relate to, like this. I feel like the defective one so much. I tried to find it, but the show within the show ends in an affirming anthem “It’s good to be ugly after all.”

I found it in Norwegan, and German. I can speak enough German to make this work;

Essentially being attractive and […]

I am on so many medications at this point I barely feel human anymore.  I’m currently taking four eye drops and 8 pills a day.  I barely go out anymore just because I need to keep track of when I need to take everything.  One of my pills is a diuretic and it constantly leaves me dehydrated and tired.  5 out of my 8 pills are just this one drug, so i’m dangerously dehydrated all the time.  It’s part of the reason i’ve been losing so much weight.  I also take something to treat blood pressure and an antidepressant.  I just kind of feel numb […]

I didn’t mean to take two days off this week. It wasn’t the plan. However, it happened. Coming back today I felt sluggish and slow, but no one seemed to notice. It started resembling the office I had liked before; expectations at a level that doesn’t actually take much from me to meet. So relative safety.

Which goes back to my temporary-ness of whatever unpleasant thing lands in my life. I’m not excessively tolerant, but it seems life signed me up for the difficult run this year. I had hoped to thrive enough to get out fast ish and maybe update my gear in the bargain.

The […]

I know there’s things I should be doing. So, so many things. Enough to occupy several lifetimes. Instead, I do nothing. Day after day. I don’t have it in me, to push myself to do anything even remotely challenging. What’s the point? Will I be happy on the other side? Will I feel any better? I can’t imagine feeling better. I can’t imagine not being filled with regret, fear, anger, hatred, and despair. I can’t imagine trying to go to sleep without this deep sense of wrongness.

I should probably try something radical, to reshape my brain and emotions. Drugs, probably. But that requires effort to […]

I can’t fucking take it anymore. I’ve tried killing myself for a lot of times, but I’m just not able to do it. Just like if there was something inside of me that doesn’t want me to die yet but all these voices in my head and the “things” are making my life unbearable. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, no matter how often I take my medication and do everything my therapist tells me to do-the voices are getting louder and more frightening. They’re tellin’ me to do things that I don’t wanna do, things that even scare myself. I’m […]

I hate myself. I continue inflicting my pathetic self on other people. For what? Because I’m selfish enough to want to be loved? Fuck that. I keep fucking up and making mistakes, mistakes with serious consequences for the people around me. My family disowned me because I wasn’t dedicated to their cult. My ex hated me for being mentally ill and struggling with my disabilities. The person who took me in keeps having to clean up my fuck ups. I almost got her evicted because I fucked up writing on a legal document. I. Cant. Stop. Doing. Stupid. Things. Every time I try to take […]