General

I don’t know if that makes it better or worst, we’re suffering now, at least a few of us from the same thing. So we can at least comiserate.

but the pain is still too acute for me. I’m too vulnerable right now. So the intimacy scares me, not traditional intimacy but communal familial. I guess I’m waiting to be invited. New family member anxiety, and it’s a loose family. Subtlety was always something I had to work to understand.

I’m trying though. Every bit of my emotional experience is wiirrring away trying to figure out how to navigate this situation. But now I’m finding out theirs […]

I was listening to coward of the county, it struck me how many fights I ran away from.

When my wife decided she was through with my financial issues, I surrendered.

I tucked tail and ran when my hospital was run by a maniac, and riots ran rampant.

When my company lost it’s use for me, decided it was done with me.

When my passion career said no, when every school I had hopes for wouldn’t even take my calls.

When my back up career decided to back me into a corner.

when my back up to my back up did the same damn thing.

This is the corner I won’t be […]

Things have gotten better. My bad luck finally leveled out. I got my van back after 3 fucking weeks. I moved into my place. My dad went back home today. Things are stable enough to allow me to start buying parts for my PC again. Even though I failed my intern project, something was worked out to where now all I have to deliver is a report. Bores me to fucking tears, but I should still try to make it good. Kinda phoned it in last week and spun my wheels. Can’t afford to do that, […]

I don’t get them often. Its been 2 years since I last had one, when I was leaving my ex. My throat closes up and its hard to breathe. Stomach in a knot, nausea, chest tightening. I don’t know what brought it on today. Nothing to do but lie down until it passes. Anyone else get them?

I feel completely hollowed out today.  I suppose that’s not fair, because this feeling has been growing with intense ferocity over time.  I’m not even really sure what to do anymore, i’ve lost interest in most of the things I used to do, or my vision is so poor now I just can’t do them anymore.  The best, case scenario is that I have around 4 surgeries lined up in the future, if i’m even around that long, but even then, the complications and outlook of those are not incredibly optimistic.  So, I just kind of feel like everything is a noose slowly tightening in […]

I know, not that anyone knows……. but I’m still trying to figure this out. Did I set my expectations too high? Was I high on some of the drugs they gave me when I got the results from my cognative assessments? Or have people been telling me I was uncommonly bright for most of my life?! FYI, what to say to a kid to screw them up. Tell a kid they’re a screw up…. well aren’t we all. Geez I feel like that on a daily basis, that’s just life as not the richest person in capitalism.

Uncommonly bright. You should be a professor. You should […]

Sometimes I think I have narcissistic characteristics so I took a quiz. According to the quiz I’m don’t. Not sure how much stock you can put in these things… I mean, if you have 3 options and you have to pick one, it’s not going to be correct… and the behaviours described, I feel like there are certain people I exhibit narcissistic behaviours on, but not everyone.

But anyway, the article said ‘apply this test onto a difficult person in your life’ so of course I chose my sister. And…. she ticks a lot of boxes. To clarify, we’re talking about narcissistic traits, NOT narcissistic personality […]

I made a promise to myself over 20 years ago that my life hinged on a very distinct timer.  I have open angle glaucoma that I was born with and my vision has been dwindling pretty gradually over the last 40 years.  I made a promise to myself that once all of my vision was gone, I would make my exit.

Things have progressed negatively in a very major way, and I probably have less than a year to express myself.  So, here I am to hang out with you guys until the final days.  I used to be so angry at the world for being […]

I’ve been humming this song, Brandy by Looking glass all day at work, trying to figure out why. I mean apart from clients named Brandy, that’s the obvious one.

However, this is the song indirectly about the thing I never get about humanity. People putting things over people. But it cuts deeper, specifically because of how it is used metaphorically in Guardians of the Galazxy 2. Spoilers so be warned. However the villain ends up saying that it justifies him following his passions at the expense of those he claims to love, to their harm actually.

I didn’t know the song before the movie, but the more […]

That is all.

I think it began by choosing the wrong college. I chose the #1 ranked university in the state. I thought rankings mattered. I thought education/learning mattered. Ha! How stupid. In reality, I should have chosen a richer school with wealthier students. No competition but huge connections. Instead, I chose a poor school with poor kids, but super competitive and little benefits. Outside of the state, the school is not known at all.

Case in point- I had a friend who went to my school, was on academic probation, and eventually kicked out bc she couldn’t even manage […]

Me- to be loved and accepted for what I am (and what I am not)
You?

I’m sure many of us can remember those old cars where there were just random plastic blocks in the dash, of course these were buttons and features on the higher models.

My entire life, I have been the base model experience, hell even the prototype with no functions at all. School was essentially a slow burn frenzy of looking to find what talents/inklings I had only to keep crasing into “not this sport” “Not this subject” “Sorry bud nothin here too”. Noting special in physicality, nothing special academiically. Any hobby I tried to take up was met with a wall of utterly sucking so […]

It was a free pokemon rom hack making pokemon a roguelike.

I didn’t really care for it all that much. Or I didn’t allow myself to get into it any.

Either way, streak is over. Lasted almost 2 months. I don’t really feel anything all things considered. I think I’ve already decided I’m over videogames honestly. I think watching others who are better at them than me play them are enough honestly.

I stayed home today, I feel like crap.

Not sure what to do anymore. I’m flat broke still, trying to find work to make more money to […]

I had been at the peak of my lonilyness, where I was willing to engage with anyone, just to get them to engage back. I blame those two weeks of training, hyper soaked in dopamine and being relevant, then back home and not relevant at all again. Okay, I’m somewhat relevant, but I was dangerously relevant in training. I think they were worried, of course that’s probably a paranoid daydream.

It’s a lot of daydreams these days, I feel like a little boy daydreaming all over the place. I can’t make myself interested enough in now. There are still people who swat my hand and scold […]

I can’t do this. I’m spiraling further and further. I can’t live like this anymore, knowing I’m nothing but a burden to everything. I can’t do it. It hurts. I can’t even look at myself even when I’m hurting myself. I’m tired, I hate myself, and I’m scared, and I don’t think I can do this much longer. I’m sorry

I encountered a man named Baby Boy today.

No really! I did! He had to get his name changed!

I didn’t know life could be so cruel. Every time I think I’ve found the cruelest, here comes a man named Baby Boy.

See, the story goes that when a child is left at a hospital on the form it just says “baby boy” or “baby girl” with the name to be filled in later. Usually someone fills in the name. That almost always happens. You’ve almost never heard of this because it usually happens. However it makes sense, they’d have to put something on the form. Anyone who […]

Ten years ago, I posted my suicide note here: https://suicideproject.org/2014/06/thirty-one/

I drank myself to sleep that night. In the morning, I threw up blood and, for some reason, went to work. I was fired that day for being late and was then evicted from where I was living. After living in my car for a few months, I met a woman on a temp job that became interested in me. I fully embraced self-destruction and began snorting heroin while this woman would shoot up. After a week, I wanted to find a flophouse for us to move in together, but once she admitted she was a […]