General

Week 2 is over. Week 3 starts tomorrow. The second week was a tad bit rough. Kept making dumb mistakes and tripping over myself in front of my mentors and other engineers. Still trying to chip away at it. Still not entirely sure how this is going to end. Any of it. Been going to lab on Saturdays to try to chip away at the other stuff. Making a tiny bit of progress, but I want to be in there more to work on it. I can’t with my current commute. Get up at 5 […]

I feel like I’m flipping inside, like a rock in a tumbler; dutifully polishing myself to appear so smooth and beautiful, to invite the curious touch of the world around me.

But the barrel is dark and the grit is slowly whittling away at all that I am, making me smaller until I am not the stone that caught your eye any longer.

I fall into the mass of other beautifully polished people worth no sharp edges or variations in texture.

-————-

the image is another random poem I wrote. I don’t know if I like it much yet.

Is never fucking wrong. So I got a bit of a start when It read 1hr30 mins for a journey and not the usual 42mins. I also elected to ignore the fact it said part of the motorway was closed and proceeded with the journey anyway. I would pay for that later on. First 30 mins I sped along fine, if there was a logjam I must have avoided it I thought to myself. All of a sudden I drove into traffic at a standstill. A sign glared ‘ Emergency vehicles only on left lane’. I checked google maps it read 2hrs 45 mins. I […]

I’m watching a documentary on Shawn Michaels and Brett Hart’s rivalry in WWF, and it makes me a bit sad. I’ve stopped watching wrestling because idk if I can get back into it at this point. I don’t know where my head is at anymore. I must be lacking an outlet maybe. I will definitely see a therapist. I just feel lost, like I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m not good with money, I’m still broke, and I’m pretty low. I can’t game, most of the things I liked I really don’t much care about, and I’m trying and failing to improve my […]

SO here’s the thing- sure I’m depressed with MY life OFC. But I’m ALSO massively depressed bc of the way the world is run, how everything is rigged by the soulless assholes at the top who control everything. I’m depressed about the inequality, injustice, corruption, economic rigging, political rigging, hell pollution too. Thing is, most ppl don’t care about all this stuff, or if they do, they know it exists but go “eh.” It doesn’t bother most ppl enough to be upset about it for more than a few seconds.

Or they’ll feign anger or whatever emotion they feel like they […]

Nope.

We can’t trust “facts.”
We can’t trust “science” when “science” has an agenda.
We can’t trust anything we see in the media. The media is owned by capitalist soulless assholes, I mean billionnaires, who have an agenda.
We can’t trust anything a corporation tells us. Even “facts” like how much energy we’ve used read from our “smart meters.” Can we really trust that ANY of that data is correct?

Nope, we can’t trust anything anymore. Is it a wonder why ppl are depressed? Like yes, I’m depressed about MY life, but I’m also fucking depressed about this world. Or […]

humans are prone to find patterns, even when they aren’t there, so I’ve always tried to correct away. On that same note, human behavior tends to follow patterns, so I do tend to give some credit to any patterns I find in my own behavior

When I get really sad, I tend to look far off for some hope, something to grasp for. This much I know about myself.

shame has kept me silent about it for so long, even now I can’t confess to anyone who knows my name or face. Damned pride and damned my desire to not look silly and stupid. Because I am, […]

I’m rewatching a scifi comedy from my childhood, Red Dwarf on Britbox. Good stuff if it’s your sort of thing, it’s mine obviously. Anyway the premise of this specific episode I had completely forgotten until now; a squid with hallucinogenic venom that makes you hallucinate whatever makes you want to kill yourself

Anyway our crew run into it, and end up in a group hallucination where their actual lives had been a video game, and their “real world” personalities were awful people, the types of people they’d be ashamed of.

I wanted to bring it up, because often times waking up, reintroducing myself to “real life”, I […]

I had a very vivid dream this morning. I don’t remember too much now, but I remember it feeling very real at the time. For whatever reason, people from my lab or school or something were going to a fair. I don’t remember who, I just remember they were very familiar. However there was this one girl who I had never seen before. I don’t remember her face too well or how she sounded like, but it all felt very warm. In my head the name Auroran kept popping up, but I don’t think that’s a real name so […]

I’m so sick of being this. I hate being “me”. And yet I’m so attached to it, so stuck in my ways. I’m so full of hatred and resentment. I resent anyone with a happy life. Anyone who’s better than me. Anyone that gets to exist without this stuff going round and round in their head. But really, deep down, I just want to not feel this anymore. To be free of it.

But there is no freedom. Freedom would be non-existence. To let go of this self, with all its shame, fear, regret, longing, and return to the earth. And I’m not ready for that […]

If you don’t have friends, this won’t happen to you O_o

~3min

Here’s something cute:

~15s

All is well, I’ve found ways to save myself.

I kinda haven’t shared in awhile, haven’t felt valid given that in the grand scheme of things life is “good”, whatever that means. Like I vent a small bit here and there, but I haven’t talked to anyone about what’s actually in my head. Everyone in my real life thinks things are ticking along as planned, and they are, that’s what it’s supposed to look like.

but I still have feelings, unserved thoughts, unserved desires. I really don’t identify with other people…… the isolation is more stark being around people all day every day. Being alone all day again today it’s like, oh yeah, nice to […]

Was by not ending my life at 15. Sure there were some good times here and there but not enough warrant the daily struggle the suicidal character endures. Even the highest peak of pleasure known to man, that is – sex with a 10 still could not get suicide of my mind. I remember that encounter viv1idly. Years ago I was living briefly in South America. One night I got talking to an amigo   “,Amigo  marijuana no” i said whilst dropping voice low. “Si amigo” said the amigo he continued with “I know a place where the gir bls are like models  sexmassage you shoyld […]

I have more than a few reasons to believe I am neurodiverse with characteristics of ADHD and asperger tnedencies. But is it really so? Although focus is fickle and discipline feels somewhat defective, is this really reason? Are these traits not titles I may don in an effort to define myself and fulfill a want of authentic uniqueness?

Or is it simply a hard fact (theoretical for now). What If I have a brain/nervous system that has a reduced capacity to generate enough electric potential? To activate enough cells to achieve said concentration or power of will takes more resources than my biology can […]

Depression, sorrow, sadness, whatever you want to call it, depression and Apathy have gotten the best of me, I no longer want anything or feel anything, I hate life more than I have ever hated it before, the want to live keeps drifting with every passing moment. I pray to a god that I don’t believe in to take my life every night before I wake up. Then when my eyes open I am even more disappointed in the universe. Fuck this place, I find it very hard not to kill myself everyday.

A lot on my mind. Trying to organize it all, but I don’t think I’ll be able to get out everything. I never really do. It was a brutal first week. But not in the way I expected. The commute is the worse by far. Get up at 5 get to the office at 8:15 leave at 5:15 and get home at 8. Going to rent a car for this week. It will cut that commute in half easy. The job itself was actually not too bad. Best one of these I’ve had so far. […]