General

i just can’t, and it’s getting worse. night by night, little by little. but it doesn’t feel like a little. i just want to know what okay feels like. want to know what being enough is like. im trying really hard to be enough, to get my life together, so i can actually matter. but the days continue and not mattering is starting to really get to me. the failing feeling. the isolation. god, the isolation… its better to just pretend im fine anyway because talking about anything would just burden everyone more. everything’s eating me alive, i feel like im being ripped apart. i […]

The things I used to rely on to get me through don’t work anymore. They don’t distract me from my reality. I don’t care enough to invest. I’m not interested in anything. I have no plans, no goals, no aims. There’s nothing I want from life that’s realistic for me to work towards. The only things I want are impossible – to turn back time, to not be who I am. Right now, I mostly just want the pain to stop.

And it’s not that the pain’s even that bad. It’s that I have nothing to make enduring it worthwhile. I have nothing to distract myself […]

It’s literally just now that I had excess energy, for the first time in days, which has been a mixed bag of a breakdown I can tell you what. Yes, breakdown, once again my week ended with me trying to quit and failing.

The difference between these and other times in my life that I’ve had breakdowns is that I am remarkably better resourced now than I was even 2 years ago. Which allowed me to build a plan… that’s all that is usually required to get through even the nastiest shit. Oh and this definitely qualifies as that.

I can’t harp on it much though,  counterproductive […]

I had a “conversation” with Chat GPT of all things. Because I’m lonely and have literally nobody else to talk to. At least about stuff I want to talk about. I tried explaining my thought process. How I got from A to B to C. Asked how it was even possible. Asked what that even means. I told it about the anchor and the broken tool analogy and the contradiction between having a fluid definition of life but a rigid stance on it. Apparently it’s called “Existential Exhaustion” or something. I’m not sure if it made […]

Most normal ppl are into butterflies and unicorns and other sickening things lol. How many of us here are into horror stories, true crime, true medical mysteries, dark tales, death and just weird unusual things? Vs how many here are into 100% “normal” stuff?

I’ve had chronic pain problems on and off over the past 20 years, it took me a long time to figure out but I have gut dysbiosis, which just means my gut has too much bad bacteria and too little good bacteria, it causes a host of health problems, for me it’s mostly urological pain and some symptoms of fibromyalgia but because of this I can enjoy any of my vices, food, I can only tolerate chicken, rice, and vegetables, I can’t drink booze, I can’t drink coffee, and sex is only when I’m not in pain, all of the pleasures in life are gone.  […]

I was able to cut myself. I wanted to see if I was serious about this. I just needed some sign. It was with the box cutter in the toolbox. Of course I tried to do more and pointed it at my throat. Couldn’t do it. Such a meaningless show for nobody. I shorted 3 voltage regulators. 3. The pieces are so braindead simple. Just 4 wires that need to be soldered. But of course I can’t even do that right. I don’t know where the short is. I checked but couldn’t […]

My project is at a standstill. I think I have a workaround for one of my problems, but that still doesn’t completely solve it. I have to rely on the kindness of strangers. My teammate forgot he said he’d look at the motors. I had to remind him as he was leaving. He took them with him. He said he would be out of town this weekend. The likelihood of it getting done is slim. I didn’t think I needed to be over his shoulder to make sure it gets done. The underclassman was too busy […]

@husk- not trying to discourage you- idc if you get something off the net- funny enough, this just happened to pop up on my feed just now. google is probably “reading” my posts to recommend this to me. so this guy is a dr and does these videos narrating/re-enacting real medical events.

i’m sure this is a rare-ish event, though it’s these kinds of stories that deter me from getting illicit things off the ‘net. even in person, i wouldn’t know how to verify the quality of said items since i know nothing about any kind of illicit items.

one time, a friend’s […]

WOW, I always felt and knew that Americans were dumb since I was in JHS, bc I know our education system is absolute shit. But apparently there’s actual hard evidence to back that up.

@10:55- Study in 2019 (done by British Researchers)-
IQ of Japan = 106.48
IQ of USA = 97.43
Difference = -9.05

That’s NINE whole points, which is HUGE in the IQ scale.
Also, it turns out, it’s not even all due to our shit education system. Our decline in education began in the early 80s. But the decline in American IQs began to be seen as early as the […]

The pressure on my head has lessen a bit. I think it’s because I haven’t been able to work on the bot for the past few days. I’ve been waiting on the help of others to get things done. An underclassman who knows how to solder on a PCB and one of my team mates who can help me explain the weird behavior of some of the motors. I tried using the PCB I soldered once more and got another blow out. Of course. Then I try one more time to solder another put it just ended up a […]

Was playing some old reggae music and dubstep from my early teens to early adult life yesterday and it made me miss some certain things about my teen years and early adulthood before I became the mess I currentlty am.

I still like dubstep, and I kept thinking about this song since I played it yesterday.

I guess it is true that the music you enjoy the most/listen to as a teen to early young adult is what sticks with you the most.

“Look at this. I’m a coward too, You don’t need to hide my friend, for I am just like […]

As time goes on, I noticed my coping mechanisms/stalling tactics become less effective. In the very cores of life, things like eating, gaming, sleeping lose not only meaning but enjoyment. As for love and pleasure, I know my heart is too diseased to form any meaningful attachment while pleasure and pain are equal in their numbness. Even the realization of the mental trauma my death would leave is slowly losing power over stopping me.

My question is how can one keep going when they can no longer delude themselves into staying?

What do you do when you intensely HATE this fucking planet and all the shitty ppl in it?

Yeah yeah “there’s still good ppl out there” but that don’t mean shit when everyone *I* am in contact with are fucking assholes and douchebags. And by in contact with, I don’t mean any current ppl that I am voluntarily choosing to speak to. By “in contact with” I mean all the assholes in my life that fucked me up, abused me, used me, manipulated me, etc. Starting with shitty ass family. And later branching out to shitty ass bosses/superiors. You don’t have […]

I dance around it, complain about other things as if they are the main problem, but the real main problem between me and most of the species is that they don’t see the way I do.  It’s taken me years of working on myself to try and express this, and I still don’t know if I’ll succeed.

Other human beings have a sort of intuitive sense for conforming. They see and hear things differently because they didn’t have to push those two senses like I did. Not to say either approach is better, just that I’m frustrated that they can’t see mine.

I wish I could think […]

I don’t want to be this anymore. I’m pointlessly miserable. And I don’t know how to stop. I’ve made myself so fucking alone & isolated. I can’t relate to other people anymore. Not really.

I just want to stop. I’m so sick of myself. These thoughts, these feelings. I hate myself. I hate the world. I hate everyone. I hate reality. And that’s fucking pointless. To make yourself miserable over things you can’t change. But I can’t stop.

This life is for nothing. All it does is delay the inevitable. Delaying the leap into the void. On the off-chance that there’s something beyond death, and maybe it’s […]

I feel trapped like I’m a prisoner inside my body and I want to escape

I am a logic-based person, so things like “curses” aren’t a real thing- except in this world it seems like some people really are cursed. I, for one.

I mean, logically, it’s bc ppl who are down-trodden get even more stepped on and ignored and screwed in life. The more bad that’s happened to you, the more bad that gets piled on, and the less “normal” ppl want to help you out or want anything to do with you (be friends, etc).

1- why are there only 297 dislikes?
2- Assholes like Matt Walsh (popular right wing podcaster in the US) will spin this into “drs killing the poor victims.” Right wingers never want ppl to have the freedom and agency to control our own body. The sick will never be allowed to escape our misery.
3- Maybe, just maybe, if we had proper health services and social services for the poor, disabled, depressed, better wages, better opportunities, affordable food and housing, etc.- less people would want to end their miserable lives. But nah….that’s too much logic.

—–
Right winger mentality-

-abortion bad, make it […]

I’m always so bad at starting these. What else is there to say, anyway? I just feel the same way I always do. It’s been a very long and exhausting week. Had to go to a funeral yesterday of a family friend’s – which really sucked, as expected. I’ll really miss the guy- he was an important person in my childhood. I don’t know if I was all that significant in his life- his family gave my little sister a bowl he made because he had talked about her all the time, I guess. They didn’t even remember me even though we’ve met a few […]