General

If I were brave, I wouldn’t be here.  If I were smart, I wouldn’t be a coward.  If I loved myself more, I would be out living life on a Friday night.  If I had could stop running, maybe I could just clear my head.  If I had more time…i’d hate myself a little less.

But I don’t live like that.  My world has grown smaller and darker as time wanes on.  I have grown smaller and weaker as well.  I find my existence to be increasingly cumbersome.  I know there is a part of my brain struggling not to give up, but the urge is […]

There’s this part of me that longs to let go of being this twisted thing. And it seems like dying is the only way to do that. To cease being this failed creature and return my matter to the planet, so it can be part of something less repulsive.

But death seems terrifying. The end of all possibilities, all attachments. Every abandoned dream, every lost hope, every unfulfilled desire. Finally nullified beyond doubt.

So I sit in this misery I’ve created for myself. And every year it feels worse. And I tell myself I’ll try things to change it. And I do try a little, ever so […]

According to Gallup:
-47% of Americans were “very” satisfied with their personal lives in February 2024
-78% of Americans were ‘very’ or ‘somewhat satisfied’ (though I would argue that low level depression can exist with ppl who say they are ‘somewhat satisfied’ with their lives. i don’t considered ‘somewhat satisfied’ to mean ‘happy’ or ‘happy enough.’)

47% = very satisfied
31% = somewhat satisfied
22% = unhappy / very unhappy

At least this study, and studies SINCE covid, actually acknowledge that half the population aren’t all that happy. For all of my life, EVERY fucking study out there kept parroting how ‘95%’ […]

It feels a lot like falling, going down a ski slope or a roller coaster, ah, I miss those days.

I’m only on the functional side of madness. Monitored, if I slip I’ll be looked after. I’m not quite mad enough. I only have intrusive thoughts of self harm. That’s manageable. I’m only daydreaming about death, perfectly acceptable. Poe esque, I seem to be in a second teenage goth rebellion. Except with really realistic suicidal ideation. I don’t think goths are supposed to have that.

The rug’s just pulled out, the strings cut as it were. I’ve been here before. How I love being a historian.” Patient […]

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Supress your feelings. Ignore the thought. Endure the pain.

A lot on my mind. As usual. Trying to figure out how to say it all. Probably won’t. Best place to start is probably the new medication. Had my psychiatric appointment this past Wednesday. Told him the usual spiel. Anxiety, fear, the feeling of not belonging etc etc etc. Somehow it eventually get around to maybe my anxiety is as bad as it is because I can’t focus. He floated the idea that I might have ADHD. Of course I couldn’t help but make a face which he noticed. He admitted that it’s “popular” […]

What lessons have you learned in life?

I know what I have to do. I keep letting fear get the best of me but I’m done. I’ve hit my rock bottom, will there be another one in the future? I don’t intend on there being another one but life happens. Either way I’m gonna dust myself off and keep going.

I’m gonna start by doing those things that I find most difficult to do like giving up alcohol, reconnecting with my brothers, my mom, my dad, and my relatives. I’m gonna let the world see just how pathetic I am as I work on myself. I’m just gonna let pain have it’s day […]

I saw a cornea specialist the other day and my corneas are swollen.  Apparently, they have been for a while.  My corneas are basically breaking down at an alarming rate.  My eyes optic nerves are dying quickly too.  My eye pressure is too high and i’m running out of things to try to bring it back down.  When the eye’s pressure is too high it damages your optic nerves.  The optic nerves are the the cables from your eyes to your brain.  Once they die forever, it’s permanent midnight.  I’m going to have to move up my original trajectory to sooner than a year.  I’m […]

I think our society has an aversion to anything painful or unpleasant and it’s done a real disservice to those of us that ply our trade in professions that require use to interact with those two factors. You think pain is bad, that’s your first mistake. Let me guess the first sign of pain you take a painkiller?

I won’t shame you for it, it is the conditioned response. If you can’t sleep, you take a sleep aid. If you have pain, pain killer seems like the obvious choice. Yet, that’s not right. The reason is that a lot of pain killers are really toxic and […]

This has no relevance to anything, I’ve just been feeling the need to say it somewhere, so…

I’ve fucked up my life about as much as I possibly could’ve, given the cards I was dealt. So a lot of this is no doubt down to envy. But when I see people reach the level of wealth where they can throw away thousands and not give it a second thought, I feel anger and resentment. Even if they’ve worked hard, and they’re decent people, and they’ve pulled themselves up by their bootstraps. Even if they grew up poor, and spent years sweating away for the minimum wage, […]

I took the day off today, I mentally feel like shit.

I’m dreading seeing my family, who aren’t bad people in any way, I’m just the problem. I must be crazy or something.

I’m so in my own head a lot of the time.

Days blur together and I’m not doing enough.

I’m just so aware that I’m damaged goods. I’m my own worst enemy.

I have days like this, where I just wake up and know it’s not happening. Sometimes I force myself and push through. Other times, like today, I can’t do it.

It’s why I […]

Do you also feel like a prisoner of life? Is there anything that can solve this? And I Don’t feel like death is the answer right now

My TA raped me in her car and the memories have been trying to resurface for about 3 years now.

This is why I’ve been so distressed for 3 years.

And that’s why it really hurts. Radiohead. This is one of those times where I feel like I need to let it out but don’t really know what to say. Still feel like I’m drowning. Still feel like this doesn’t end well. Still can’t stand to look them in the eye when I talk. It’s not going to end well. It really isn’t. The thing is, I do it to myself. Nobody else to blame.

Shouldn’t a person be able to choose their own ending? That thought keeps popping up in my head again and […]

I feel depressed because I have to move back to my parents house due to being stalked and sexually harassed out of my apartment. My parents are abusive and the abuse has already started. I feel depressed because I already feel parts of my personality being suppressed and ignored. I feel depressed because I feel like I grew so much while I was away from my parents house and they ignore all of it. I feel like I won’t be able to mentally withstand living at home. I feel defeated and angry because I did everything I could to survive outside my parents house. I […]

I feel like my life is a treadmill. I’ll wake up, do the same things I did yesterday until I’m physically exhausted, sleep, and then repeat it all the next day.

How many years has this gone on? 5? 10?

I’ve purchased my own house at 27, moved to a peaceful little town, and on paper have an increasingly successful life year by year, especially compared to when I was a kid.

But I’m still equally as alone as I’ve ever been. Unloved, generally disregarded in every area of my life, not typically thought of positively by anyone in my life aside from my parents (if I’m thought […]

You know you can’t hold me forever, I didn’t sign up for you

I’m not a present for your friends to open, this boy’s too young to be singing the bluuuuuuues

Just, this song is such a perfect stand in for where I am right now. Failed entirely by the promises of fame and fortune given in my youth. You can’t let me in your penthouse, I’m going back to my plow.

I finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road……

No one here has the answers I’m looking for. I can’t get it here. So this is a location and lifestyle problem, not a being alive […]