General

I need to stop being depressed and take ACTION to better my life. But atm, I am battling stupid shit like forcing myself to eat and pushing myself to go get food. Simple basic things like that are difficult. How can I push myself to start doing things to get myself out of this shithole country when I can barely get a grip on feeding myself??

I NEED to start doing stuff to fix my life. I NEED to quit being a bum and doing nothing. But I would have to be NOT depressed to start taking action. I […]

I keep having these moments of “I can’t wait to tell A about this” or “Only A would know how this feels” but then I suddenly get shaken back to reality: I remember that A fucking killed herself. What does that say about me, that the only person who felt the way I do about life chose to end it? It’s like seeing 2 of the same person but one lives and the other dies. Who do you suppose got the raw end of this deal

So it’s yet another day, and hunger pangs have come back (ate once yesterday and once the day before). But I still don’t want to get dressed, go out, go to a store and get food, come back and shower, and then eat.

I mean, shit, it’s not hard. I used to do that when I was 7. But somehow, doing something so basic as getting dressed, going out, getting food, then showering, is hard. Like WTF is that shit?

I don’t mind eating if there was food in my fridge so it’s not like I’m purposely trying to starve. […]

When money, power, fame love won’t grant me happiness and I hate every single thing related to being alive, how do I become happy? I know my only “cure” is the end I so desire but am I truly the selfish one for wanting to be “happy” even if it is in my own twisted way? Please someone tell me, am I to suffer being unhappy until natural causes or freak occurrences strikes me down!?

I’m not talking about celebrities or motivational speakers who claim on camera they beat it. As we see with celebrities, they often post positive messages, even write books on ‘recovery’ but eventually succumb to the darkness anyway. I’m also not talking about people who pop by SP saying “it gets better”. More often than not they seem to spiral back to depression soon enough.

I’m talking about someone whose life made a real turnaround and they lived a full life and died of natural causes at age 86 with a smile on their face.

Just 1 credible example of recovery might offer a little hope.

I’m actually in […]

I have more interviews coming up. Today, I think I bombed one. I didn’t prepare and froze. It wasn’t anything huge. It feels better getting out of the house. A new face. I enjoyed it. I was lightly laughing at myself inside. Haha, improv, not my thing.

I drank poison a couple days ago. I feel small. I feel embarrassed. I feel exposed. That Gaga spread so many rumors about me because she felt like it. And said “Drink it” when I confessed how I felt. […]

I just can’t. I’m battered and broken. IDK what to do. Every day is hell. Torture.

I can’t take much more of this. NOTHING in my life ever gets better, only worse. And lately I’ve been dealing with toenail fungus that’s spread ALL over my body. FML. Been dealing with the toe for 4 years and the skin spread for the last 2 years. I can’t fucking get rid of it! And no, going to a dr to get some prescription cream does not fucking work.

And that’s in addition to the daily torment the shit fucker […]

Learned a new word today: Limerence. Doesn’t perfectly fit my feelings for her, but it’s pretty close. I don’t think I’ve felt truly “happy” since she has stopped talking to me. I have moments where I feel happy but I haven’t felt long-term happiness in so long.

I’m in a constant state of misery and anger. I’m miserable because I miss her so. damn. much. I miss her voice. I miss her laugh. I miss her texts. I miss hanging out with her. I miss her face. I miss thinking about her and feeling happy, not empty and sad.

I’m angry because I […]

My grandmother fell down and suffered a major stroke. She isn’t responding to pain and the doctors said that even if she did wake up her quality of life was going to be poor… How pathetic is it that after hearing she fell down, I even promised that I would constantly tell her I love her especially since she herself commented on the fact that I never say it. Bloody hell, I’m crying due to my regret… Yet I can’t help but think I’m such a wretched being that should just die already. I wish no one would remember me so I can just disappear […]

This guy sums up money in a nutshell.
Worth reading the whole way through.

https://vaibhavguptawho.medium.com/why-you-should-stop-saying-money-isnt-everything-3c6c20a4215c

all of the below assumed I had my parents support. Apparently not.

I’ve tried everything I can to make good, to make this work, and I can’t. I’m going after disability, because getting off these meds requires a financial and emotional stability they can’t provide. I can’t taper down, I can’t go to grad school, and I can’t get a job. That’s disabled. Oh well if that makes them ashamed of me, I tried SO HARD to do what they wanted.

they apparently hit “fuck it” today, so I did too. Fuck all the way off if you think that this human will ever function again.

It’s an […]

Continue Reading