General

I’m broken. I’m unsure if I can really be fixed. I’m hurt and broken and miserable by the day. I’m the rot that I created of myself, made of broken bits of my rotten pathetic self. All there is, is constant hurting. A constant hell. And what if, say, it never stops? Because I’m starting to believe, and becoming terrified of, this being truly neverending. I’m never going to get out of my head. Away from these thoughts. And I read so many things from people saying the same, it doesnt ever really stop. It just pretends to for awhile. Then you’re stuck waiting for […]

Today felt better than yesterday. I did some lawn work and laundry. Idk why I’m having highs and lows, but it feels like a rollercoaster. Wish I had more hours at work, too.

Pros? Cons?

I know my stuff isn’t pure grade, but I think I want to try this and hope for the best. I wanted to do this on a Saturday. If I wait, then nobody will find me. Maybe I should wait and plan it out better. I’m not scared, I just feel messy. I want to feel in control. I’m a little nervous, but it’s worth it. I can’t wait for this to be over. I wish I had the energy to like, take myself out. Feels like a waste of time. I wish I could do it now. Like fresh air in your lungs. I […]

Imagine a world where everyone who truly wanted to suicide could. That’s never going to happen in reality bc there’s too much money to be made in keeping other humans sick and depressed and indentured servants to our corporate overlords.

But suppose it was allowed. Old ppl who are terminal and dying wouldn’t have to suffer the last few years of life. And it’s going to be ALL of us, minus a few who are able to end our lives beforehand. It’s so insane to me that the severely ill still can’t die quicker and be allowed to end their […]

I wonder how many people are ACTUALLY severely depressed and/or suicidal? What stats there are, are off bc most ppl who are “depressed” aren’t chronically depressed like we are, where no matter what we do, we can’t shake off this darkness.

There are loads of ppl who claim they are “depressed,” when in reality they are just going through say a breakup or something, something that may be unpleasant or shitty at the time being, but it’s not the same as someone who has a fundamental issue with life itself, or of our existence.

According to WHO:
“An estimated 3.8% of the population experience depression, including […]

Sometimes I wonder if I’m essentially non human, because I enjoy it more and more when I get sick. I’m sick right now, in some way involving my sinuses. It might just be an infection caused by allergies, it might be a bacteria or virus. Most of these pass within a few days.

but I tend to fight against being sick for as long as possible, only fully accepting it when I am too tired to deny it anymore.

To quote Elton John;

“There’s a calm surrender
To the rush of day
When the heat of a rolling wind
Can be turned away
An […]

Something something woe is me, sadness, something something.  Suicide is the answer something something, final solution.  Insert melodrama about how much I was raped abused etc etc.  Something something. All these posts but where is the rage, where is the hatred. The world failed us, we didn’t ask to be here so why aren’t more of us enraged.  Enraged at the biggest injustice of them all birth. We should be fighting to have abortions free and available at every Walmart Costco and McDonald’s.  Maybe then some poor fuck would never be born to feel this way.  Their worthless mothers could do them the biggest kindness […]

I don’t fucking know anymore. Like when I first started antidepressants I felt nothing change. Couple months in I am doing fucking great. Best shape of my life! Then the last month has been so weird. So emotional. So unpredictable. My behavior is so unlike me these days, I am having trouble having the motivation I used to have.  I don’t know what type of behavior is me anymore or how I’m supposed to be. If I act out I want to  just blame the medication but I was so good not that long ago. What the fuck changed? I hate this and I hate […]

I just woke up minutes ago. But for what? I’m alone, I dont know where any of my family is, they’re all on their separate outings I guess. I was having good dreams. I want to go back to sleep. I slept about 11 hours, waking up here and there. Why am I still so exhausted? I feel like I didnt sleep at all.

There are things needing to be done, like my laundry, I need to shower, and more packing as well. I dont feel like doing any of it. I feel like maybe I could sit through a full LOTR movie, I might do […]

I want to do it now. So badly. I have the salt. This isn’t fair. I’m not doing another summer. I’m not even ready yet. I will wait. That’s the most important part, what I wear. Etc

I dont get it. I dont get it. Every single time. Its like two or three weeks. I have to get out of here. I dont want to be here. Or at home. Or anywhere. Why do I even feel like this. It’s like, I feel sad because I can’t settle down and get to know people, and then when I try to get to know someone, I feel like I have to get away from them after two weeks. I don’t understand myself. And now I am a totally different person. What will my family say when I’m back? What will I say? Will […]

Have you ever feel like a wasted potential?

I know that we’re all here for different reasons or factors. But as a failed 40 years old musician from Indonesia, despite everybody telling me that I’m musically very talented (I compose/write songs/music too; used to have a band & perform quite a lot in many stages & events, although just small ones), but here I am now just being a nobody/nothing & basically to be honest a failure/loser who is just rotting away.

A lot of people have told me that I’m smart, a ‘deep’ person, unique, different, a kind/good person, empathic person, etc etc etc. But […]

tomorrow is when i graduate high school.

why is my brain still holding onto being a child? the constant yearning for care and love.. the amount of plushies i still have.. and how much i get hurt from the most smallest of things..

it’s not like i want to grow up, but i need to if i want to survive. i didn’t expect to live this long though..

realized today how much I really do daydream, and how I don’t even live in this reality, but in the worlds I have created in my mind instead. I notice while I thought about it how its been the only way I’ve been happy at all, about 95% of my life. of course, now and then, it will turn on me… my mind is still dumb as shit, y’know? but all of these elaborate imaginings, especially the ones being with friends, or being with my partner (long distance really fucking sucks.) …. all of it… isnt real. and it makes me really sad, and it […]

The problem I run into, more than any is an understanding of how futile specific paths are. I know I’m not going to chase a career to meaning, or a relationship, or even having kids. I feel like those are the big ones that most ordinary people go for.

but it keeps going, the litany of pointless destinations. I’m not going to chase a religious philosophy to meaning, and in fact all of religion is created to give a sense of grasping towards meaning, without actually providing any destination. You’ll run that treadmill for as long as you believe that there’s something at the end of […]

I’ve spent most of my life making myself pointlessly unhappy. And I’m not sure if it’s that I don’t know how to stop, or I don’t want to stop. But either way, I can’t stop. I get attached to impossible things or fantasies, emotionally invested in them. And they become the only thing that feels meaningful, that feels worthwhile. But meanwhile I’m simultaneously aware that it’s not real, and there’s nothing I can do to make it real. And that hurts me. But I can’t bear to give up on the fantasy, even though it’s hurting me, because if I do then I’ll have nothing. […]

Do you believe Canada is wrong for offering assisted suicide to those with mental health conditions? It makes me feel contempt for celebrities rooting this on. They live nice lives. Their treatment is of a higher quality. They deem others as inferior, they have to, they aren’t doctors, but they side with this. //Elon Musk

When will people realize that the things they say hurt?

Like…

I honestly feel like I’m the problem in almost all scenarios where there is a problem and I am involved or near it. And sometimes it feels as though I have no control over being happy. I’ll try and try over and over again, I get myself there and find myself finally in this good place.. And then, crack… That steep staircase I just climbed, crumbled to the ground. Then do it all over again, and again. But to think about it.. When the staircases keep crumbling under you, its […]