I have a lot of things that run through my mind. Things I can not explain. My dreams haunt me. My goals are just false hopes. My life is a mess. I hate my life even though, I know others have it worse. This makes me feel guilty. The guilt I have always lived with. The hate as well. I find no point in life. I want to die. I say I’m not scared but I’m scared shitless. I don’t want to go but I do. I’m scared cause after death there is nothing. […]
Rants
I guess I’m gonna use this thing as a diary to vent about my emotions through out the day.
So here we go.
I suppose I should introduce myself. I’m Ash. 17. Genderfluid. Pansexual.
There.
Today was.. Meh. At best, okay.
My sister came home today. She was in alot of pain. I don’t like seeing her cry.
Dysphoria was a b**ch today.
I relapsed with my cutting. 13 new marks. It helped with feeling numb and empty.
Sorry this was a lame first entry.
I suck at writing.
Yours Truly,
Ash.
Over the entire 16 years that I have been alive, many people have told me different things. Now you woukd think that all the good things woukd stick with me and make me feel better, but that is not the way that this stupid ball of dirt we live on works. All the negative, mean, and hurtful things have stuck with me and I keep hearing these voices in my head repeating them. I can hear “Are you really that self-centered?” “When you lived with your mom, you were so horrible I alnost didn’t want to come back.” and “I have known you for over […]
I’m getting tired of seeing people writing down that they are going to commit suicides and look at the comments and seeing people say “good luck” “hope everything works” “never apologize, wish you luck”
Do you guys have any compassion or sympathy or even care about these guys??? Come on! It doesn’t matter if you know them or not. Stop them! Save a life for once, their life had meaning and you know it! Don’t just look away, they are hurting and are empty, be that person to encourage them to stop, don’t just read their suicide plan and leave as that, have a heart […]
I feel like I’m a burden to everyone in my life. It seems like I can’t do anything right. I’m a fuck up. No matter how hard I try, I fuck things up. I have a terrible relationship with my family, and they’ve told me multiple times that they don’t love me or even like me. I try, i try to be a better person. But my family still calls me selfish, spolied, bitchy . I feel constant guilt, I’ve felt like this since I was a little girl . I can’t talk to anyone about it because i feel as if I’m being annoying, […]
Some people turn to physical self harm. Mostly this works for them. Mostly it works for me. I mean, it used to.
I’ve gotten better at this self torture thing. I don’t even need the physical aspect of it anymore. I don’t have to hide palpable injuries now.
Instead I have my mind. I can bring my mistakes and pains up to the surface faster than a blink of my eye. I know it all better than I know the palm of my hand.
Because really, I don’t even know the palm of my hand anymore.
Wanna cut my arms. Probably not gonna do it though.
I’m here because I don’t want to die. I want to believe that I have something to offer this world, and that my current suffering will lead to a day where I can turn it around and use it to help others. Thing is, I’ve been depressed my whole life. I feel like from the moment I was born, I was given a cluster of psychiatric diagnoses instead of a personality. I was a problem to be solved, not a person to be loved. I was not human; I was merely human labels. Autism at first, because I’d rock endlessly in place. Then bipolar, because […]
I have always told myself that contradictions can be a good thing and a bad thing all in itself. Good ones teach us how to make good choices in life but the bad ones show us how bad this can really be. But life gets really hard when you are a living, breathing, and bleeding contradiction.
I am a contradiction because I love the warm feeling that life can give me, but i want nothing more than to feel the cold grip of death on my shoulder. I am a contradiction because so many people have told me that I am a gift and bring […]
The guy I love has his life and a ton of friends. I can see how we’re not as close already. I have no one and he doesn’t understand. He honestly thinks he’s been rejected more than I have but I call bullshit because I’m rejected from every damn thing for my looks even for a place to stay! I’ve been told I don’t look human and shouldn’t be allowed outside. I literally am homeless because I’m too ugly for anyone to accept my money as payment for rent. I’m laying on the floor at work for fuck’s sake and it’s the first time I’ve […]
Hey.
I know that everyone is here for a reason and whatever cliche shit we’ve been listening to forever.
Right now, my life has no purpose. I don’t even know why I opened this site. But whatever. It has always been hard for me to find people to talk to. My parents are kinda supportive, but if you know anything about being Indian it is that your parents exercise complete and absolute control on your life. My parents don’t let me outside the house, except for school. Not even tutions, parties, nothing. Indians are conservative and rather, well, religious. But on days like these I find myself […]
Everyone always gives me such weird looks whenever I talk or do something. I just say stuff, it’s a constant stream of shit. All because of my anxiety, talking just saying anything is a coping mechanism. People think I’m fucked in the head and they’re right. My actions are also mainly from anxiety, me constantly freaking out and just doing/saying different things because I don’t know any other way to cope except for drugs and self-harm and they’re probably not too good(?). I think I’m gonna flip out tomorrow, I can feel it, it’s not going to be a good day. I kinda feel like […]
I’ve always wanted to submerge myself into something that would help numb these feelings,
I’ve always wanted to experience that complete lostness you see in someone deep into their work,
I’ve always envied that.
I’ve tried to lose myself in alcohol,
but these feelings make is seem as if I’m drinking poison.
I’ve tried to lose myself in drugs,
but these feelings make the strongest “uppers” into downers.
I knew these weren’t positive things to lose myself in,
but I didn’t care,
I was so desperate.
I’ve always wanted to be a great writer,
I wanted to paint beautiful scenes with my words,
but creativity […]
I’ve been thinking seriously about suicide for the past three months… seriously being, thinking of ways to kill myself, with finality, I’ve been considering suicide for the past… two years? Nothing has really changed, but there seems to be a general discontent with my being alive, from my family. I’ve attempted suicide, several times… I took a key from my key ring, and sawed through my wrist, for over an hour… in several spots… this was my first real attempt, and the pain pretty much set me off… for two years, this attempt, is when I started looking at suicide as an answer… as salvation. […]
Never used a website like this before but I feel like it’s the only way I can express myself without people worrying and thinking I’m crazy. I just feel so hopeless and worthless all the time. My bestfriend committed suicide in September 2009 at age 13 and in December 2014 my friend from school also committed suicide at age 15. I have attempted suicide twice, both by overdosing but failed both times. There was a time I loaded a gun and put it to my head but I couldn’t pull the trigger. I’m only 17 years old but I really just don’t feel like I […]
Well, its come to my attention that there is a ton of misconception about DID especially on the internet!
If any of you have any interest in speaking to someone suffering from the disorder I encorage you to feel free to comment here, follow me on Tumblr (http://alltheperksofbeingus.tumblr.com/) or i have a KIK (theperksofbeingus) which of course is more personal! I really look forward to hearing from anyone, if I can educate just one person I feel as if I’ll be making a difference!
I think this has to be one of my favourite quotes (not of my own creation, but well-liked all the same).
Rather than believing in the typical meaning behind this quote that just because you grow older and ‘wiser’, it does not mean that you will also mature in body, mind and soul; I personally interpretated this quote, due to my own experiences etc., as saying that sometimes no matter how hard you try for a period of time – whether it’s a few days or a few years -, your mind will never change. I suppose this could be passed as ignorance but that is […]
Hey Suicide Project!
I’m new to the site and I’m kind of hoping that keeping a blog will be a good outlet for me. I’m Elizabeth and I suffer from a mental disorder known as Dissociative Identity Disorder or (DID). What does this mean? Well formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder or (MPD); DID is a mental disorder on the dissociative spectrum characterized by at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states that alternately control a person’s behavior. But, what does this mean for me? This means that I “host” several other alternate personalities. I refer to myself as the host because […]
I’m new here..
I need to spill how i feel: alone. I recently graduated from uni and moved back to LA with my parents. Ive realized that i have no friends. And the few people i believed were my friends dont seem to want to see me. 6 months ago my bf of 6 years broke up with me. Its been so hard to deal with. I guess its better since i was always dragging him down with my sadness. My eating disorder (bulimia) is worse than ever. Ive been this way 7 years. I have been trying to get treatment but the treatment centers are […]
The future is bleak for me. If ever I’m still hanging to this thin thread of existence I won’t be doing it for me. But then again, what’s my worth that I feel the need to stay for other people? All I bring is pain and hurt for other people. I am just a worthless peace of garbage, a malfunctioning half corpse that is better off dead.