Yup that’s how I feel right now. Screw it, screw all of it. Everything. I don’t even care anymore. I want out.
Every time I’m happy, or get motivated, or get some determination in me…it quickly goes away, like *poof*. So screw it, I’m done.
Category:
Rants
This past mont my anxiety and paranoia have gotten so fucking bad that at some points in my day I can barely breathe. I shake and my head goes crazy. I get so dizzy and my fiancé helps me he does but when he’s not here my anxiety gets worse.
I am feeling low. I called my crisis line THREE times before I got it out what was really bothering me. I finally admitted how I don’t want to be, that I was looking for the pills I knew would work. :((( but I could not find them. I stopped looking, good or bad…
The thing is, isn’t it crazy to be mad at the world and people around you but then, you take it out on yourself?? I mean, really, the reaction of wanting to hurt yourself because the world seems off kilter, that is crazy!
And yet, here I am, once again… 🙁 (Still, something […]
So for the past 2 months, I’ve been extremely depressed. I’ve hardly been able to get anything done. I had to take an incomplete for my class, and everything’s due tomorrow, yet I haven’t even done anything. I’m so screwed. I feel so helpless. It was a few weeks ago where I felt so depressed I thought that if I helped others, if I left little notes for strangers, I might feel better. Which I have been doing, I even started a blog about it called strangerafess.tumblr.com. My friend helped me with writing notes too, except these were supposed to be more funny ones, than […]
I’m still debating. If I want to go through with it or not. I’ve been thinking about it all morning, all night, these past few days and the different ways to go about it. What are the easiest ways, the painful, the painless, the long, etc. Actually if I go through with it, I don’t mind if I survive. I’m the kind of person who while (at least until now) I haven’t tried to commit suicide deliberately, I don’t care if it happens when trying to injure myself (aka I’m trying to hurt myself really badly not die, but if I die in the process […]
I don’t know why I’m depressed. If someone asked me why or if I was writing a suicide note and trying to explain it, I wouldn’t know what to say. My parents are constantly at each others throats, have been for as long as I can remember. I’ve seen violence in my family, even been on the receiving end of it a few times. My old school was horrible, my classmates hated me and always made me feel like there was something wrong with me. But those three reasons are all I can think of and they’re not even that bad. My parents love me […]
Recovery is terrifying when you don’t know who you are without your sadness
by OddOneOut
written by OddOneOut
How does one figure out who they are without their sadness? Is it the mask I put on even when I am sad? Because I’ve been wearing that mask so often that I feel it is who I’ve become now…like the mask is somehow etched into my life permanently that it becomes a knee-jerk reaction to how I act around people…
How do I know who I am without my sadness, when I haven’t had a time I can remember that wasn’t without sadness?
Please help…I’ve been trying to figure this one out for weeks…
Found out yesterday my father is leaving my mother (with three children). He fell in love with a co-worker half his age, a few years older than me. He just took his clothes and left without telling his children. He want going to tell mom either. My mom finally confronted him….And asked him if what she silently hoping want true was real. He admitted top being in love with someone else and just left. This just happened. Happy 2015. My dad isn’t an abusive alcoholic junkie asshole. He had his problems sure like we all do but […]
I can’t resist the temptation.
When I see the blood come out from where I cut, I seem to become lost in a trance. I become fascinated. It’s inciting. I can’t resist the temptation to draw more blood. It’s as if as the blood represents all my negative emotions, and is it pours out, my negative emotions are slowly cleansed. The temptation is too great. It makes me happy. The emotion that I thought I’d lost. Call me crazy, but I love it.
Also I don’t really want anyone to tell me not to cut, to go distract myself, go talk to someone. I have done all […]
Hi. This is actually my first time to do this kind of thing. Like, asking for help regarding my depression so im having a hard time telling this. Im a 14 yrs old girl. Im really depressed. I cut too due to a lot of reasons. People see me as the jolly, cheerful, happy girl but it’s totally the opposite. Im struggling everyday. Whenever im sad or when i feel like crying, I just keep it inside, i don’t show emotions. For a week now, everyday i’ve thought of comitting suicide, i’ve searched on ways but, I really don’t want to end my life yet. […]
(Warning, this is sorta long and it may trigger things for some people. Bex, isn’t a real person. Bex is just something I used to make this easier to write. Whether or not you read this is up to you, I just felt it time to put it out there.)
Dear Bex,
Why do we blame ourselves for the shit that happens, when it’s we who are the victims?
Why do we try to act like nothing has happened, when the events are life changing?
Why do we hide beneath our own humiliation, when it’s they who should be humiliated?
Just why..?
This is something I’ve […]
Fear is my problem. I’ve always thought that I have the mind to be dominant in any venture I choose, if not for my withdrawn nature. ‘Shy’ has been my label for as long as I can remember, but now it’s apparent to me that fear is what holds me back. I’m completely crippled by fear, unable to make life progress that involves going outside my comfort zone. I should note that the psychological blocks in my mind are really the only thing the matter with me; I live a pretty charmed life. Everything I want is within my grasp, I just need to find […]
I don’t feel welcome or wanted anywhere. I don’t understand what iv’e done, but no one seems to want to talk to me or hang out with me or anything and i hate it. What even is the point in my existence? there is no purpose for me in this world I’m useless at everything and no one seems to like me. The only thing that stops me from “not existing” is the reaction from my family and my boyfriend ( who lives 300 miles away so that sucks a lot too as he is the only person who actually helps me). I couldn’t bare […]
Ok, so. My google search failed obviously to find me a suicide pact. But while I found this I guess I’ll share my story~
I might kill myself. I have all the reason to, and not like most. Herp derp, I know people have troubles but most people that look at middle schoolers or high schoolers and listen to their “reasons” for suicide and generally agree that they have no reason to and they should live.
I /actually/ have little reason to live.
I /actually/ have reasons.
I most likely /actually/ cant find happiness in this life.
For about three years now (I’m 16) I’ve been getting these weird intense horrible physical/mental feelings that occur at random and last for about 10 minutes. I’m not sure exactly but I think it could be a panic/anxiety attack. My mum said she used to get them too but she never really understands me and i asked to see a doctor and she said no. So I thought I’d go to the school nurse about it and she didn’t really tell me anything either. I’ve explained to my friend the feelings before and she was just like no you cant call it a panic attack […]
My dad decided to yell and yell an yell and try to hit us all threaten to kill us then kicked us out now we’re back at the house I’m so tired of this if it weren’t for my boyfriend I don’t know what I’d do he is the only thing keeping me here he tries to help me but doesn’t know how I love him I love him so fucking much actual love not that stupid shit I thought was love. I want to get out of here but I can’t until I graduate. I’m moving in with him as soon as he gets […]
I’m getting worse mentally. Before I could hold it all in, now I burst into tears whenever I’m alone until I cant breathe and start shaking and feel sick. its so weird and I don’t like it. I get stressed out and scared more than I used to and its all starting to crumble and show on the outside. However I suppose on the good side I have stopped hurting myself. But I don’t know which is better to be honest, coz this shit is messing with me and I’m fed up of it, I’m fed up of being here.
This isn’t anything special. It’s just a poem I wrote at 5 am. Even though it’s not that great, it describes my inner turmoil.
I want to talk about this pain,
That I’ve felt was always in vain,
Do you really not see,
What’s become of me?
On silent nights,
I always fight,
As tears run down my eyes,
Each teardrop breaking my ties,
My ties with this world,
As I am hurled,
Into this insanity,
Which will never set me free.
My teardrops slowly become red,
Food for the blade that I’ve fed.
They tell me that all will be well,
While I slowly rot away in this hell,
Could they not tell […]
This is my first post here. I’m sorry for the wall of text; I just need a place to vent these thoughts and I don’t know where else to go with them, as I haven’t really told the full story to anyone else like this. I hope this is the right place; if not, at least typing this out might help a little.
Where do I begin? I’ve been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. Growing up for me was a terrible experience. I was physically abused by my mother, my stepfather and my sister, often for no reason […]
The title is courtesy to the song by Linkin Park.
Moving on though. Does anyone else cut just to see their blood? I mean I cut for the pain, I cut to feel again when I feel absolutely nothing, and sometimes I cut to focus on the physical pain rather than the emotional. Lately though I’ve been cutting to simply see my blood.
I want to cut deep enough so that blood drips down my arm, kindve like how you see in the movies. Except I can never get myself to bleed that much. Oh well, there’s still something fascinating about seeing your blood come out, the […]