Any depressed girls here in the city who want to just talk? Â Im not trying to hook up but I have unsuccessfully on dating sites. Â Just being honest. Â Ive attempted suicide several times. Â I even shot up motor oil once. Â My latest plan is to…. Â well I dont want to give it away. Â Everything thinG I do turns to shit. Â Btw …. guys… Â quit hitting on me. Â (Males) Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â […]
So tomorrow I’m going to a friend of mine’s house to have a sort of anti-valentine’s day party. Not really a party, just some mutual friends, some food, and some weed. The thing is, my mother decided to tell me she’s going to drug test me the day after. I’m at the point where I don’t really care if she catches me. I’m at a really low point, even though I’m young. I want to smoke and forget about all of my stresses. I’m not the type of person to do crazy drugs like acid or cocaine. I don’t like any of that stuff. I […]
I’ve made too many stupid mistakes in my 26 years on this earth. There is no way for me to have a normal life any more. I got fired from my job of 8 years and now I cant get hired by any one. My wife works 10 hours a day and I am only working at a shitty temp job 20 hours a week. I feel like im not a man anymore. I just fucked up too many times and theres no way back. There are no second chances. Nothing will ever be the same. I dont feel suicidal yet but in the future […]
 I know my mother doesn’t have any interest in me at all. I can leave the house for hours without telling her and she doesn’t even notice. It’s lonely here. Everyone wants their mother to love them the way a conventional mother does. For some reason unknown to me she won’t. So I assume it’s because she doesn’t like my face, the way I talk or anything negative I can find in my me. I’m starting to believe maybe I don’t deserve to be loved by […]
There’s no such thing as love; what we refer to as love is usually just pain, deceit, lies, broken promises and false hope.
No matter how many times you think you find love, you haven’t, because love doesn’t exist. People are all the same, always have been always will be. So don’t make the mistake of thinking you love someone, it’s just desperation of the soul needing something to cling onto.
What do you do though, when you’re weaker than desperate? When you can’t even kill yourself, when you can’t even achieve the easiest thing possible for man to do? You want to play God, you want […]
So, I had an appointment at exactly 10 o’clock sharp this morning to see a psychiatrist, whom I’ll be seeing frequently now, as well as two other counselors.
Anyways, the session was HORRID.
I was taken to the “Nurse’s Office” to be weighed, my height to be checked, blood pressure was taken, and last to have my pulse checked, followed by a series of medical questions.
Then taken a few doors down to the psychiatrist, who was a nice older lady, who talked about my cat sweater I’m wearing.
Being aware that I’m usually being questioned one on one, I figured it would be her asking me the questions, […]
I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either.
I’m sick of the pain and frustration that life forces on you… there is no escaping it. But I’m afraid that my attempt at ending it will fail, and that I’d continue to live as a vegetable or in a form of agonizing physical pain.
I also do not wish to cause my mother grief, nor anyone else for that matter. Pain is the exact thing I’m trying to avoid in life, so I’ve never gone out of my way to hurt others. She did not wish for a daughter that would have rather not […]
I couldn’t say that things are alright.
Because I can’t remember the last time they were.
And the truth is that I have been battling each day,
just trying to hold my head above water.
I don’t want to live like that anymore.
I don’t want to live in state of constant battle with myself.
While I will never expect to see myself happy;
I refuse to continue to be my own worst enemy.
When everyone wants to see me fail,
I have to be the one who is rooting for me.
I have to be the one who proves everyone wrong.
Fairytales aren’t real … the stories you read in the books when you were little , they’re all lies to. There’s no happy ending , no prince charming and there’s no one there to save you when you need to be rescued. There’s just the darkness and its there to eat you alive , to remind you that your life sucks. It pushes you until you break down , it breaks you until you are completely broken. People say that if you fall 10 times you get back up 11 times well here’s the thing … that darkness knocks you down 12 more times. Sooner or […]
So I think about suicide. I have been thinking about it for years now.
My biggest problem is when someone lies to your face and tells you that its weird to think about suicide. To make a decision on if you do so or not is based on ideas, opinions, or thoughts about suicide.
So yes I do think about suicide everyday. Which isn’t entirely too bad of a thing. For one it led me to this site. To make a decision on not to kill oneself also requires some serious thought. Weighing different outcomes, and evaluating ones life is necessary.
I apologize if I am rambling, but […]
A little over a year ago I met the love of my life. We had everything in common, he made me laugh, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. For a few months, he seemed to be in love with me, too. But after a few months, he just lost interest in me. He stopped wanting to have sex and acted like he was annoyed of me and that I was a chore. We broke up and 2 months later he was dating someone else. The girl he started dating is beautiful, smart, and has lots of friends. They are […]
Time is ticking away on my deadline because I’m going damn near insane. Yet I make every excuse to stick around and to hope for things to get better. What a fucking waste. I’m at a point where I satisfied with dying. I still don’t feel like I don’t have much to live for and I’m wasting away (it feels like it). I can sense the slight frustration my mom is having with my unemployment (it’s been a ***** to find a job). Two degrees + debt = biggest waste and regret of my fucking life. I understand her in everyway. I turned and looked […]
I saw a therapist yesterday, to try to deal with my “issuesâ€.
I’ve decided to cancel future appointments because I just don’t see a point.
He asked me what my goals were, what I wanted from life, paint the ideal me.
There was nothing at all. No goals, no dreams, no wants, no future, no hope, no me.
Without something to aim for, I don’t see the point of going through this.
I guess in my remaining time I will see if I can find a reason.
But once the two people I can’t hurt are gone, I know I won’t be far behind.
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I didn’t go to prom because of you. I didn’t get my scholarships because of you. I was suicidal because of you. That fake pregnancy scare we had? Your fault. I spent every penny I had because of you. I ruined my relationship with my grandmother because of you. I stole because of you. I thought of being unfaithful because of you. I turned against God because of you. I cried over my online relationship because you couldn’t be good enough for me for me to forget. I graduated with the lowest plan possible because of you, when I was on track to be the […]
Dear ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’,
I’ve always hated you.  I’ve never trusted you with anything.  All you’ve ever done is beat and criticize me.  Hey mom, remember that time you accidentally threw me down the stairs when I was four?  Hey dad, do you remember that time I came back home from first grade one day and you started yelling and hitting me?  What about that time when I couldn’t go to school for a week in third grade because you burned my fucking arm?  You remember how making me scream in pain became a routine for you?  Do you both remember all those times you called me whore, […]
So I am going to start this out from the other day Friday i think, so my mom and i were in lowes getting stuff that she wanted i guess. So were walking and she points to in front of her and goes “i bet you are in heaven”.. I am pretty sure you know what is in lowes.. So i look what shes pointing at and its blades and box cutters.. I laughed to make it not look like i didn’t have tears coming out of my eyes.. That was so messed up. Then this morning she looks at me when im cleaning my […]
I miss how I used to be.
I never really liked myself before, but at least I was happy. At least I didn’t feel empty inside. At least I felt like somebody important. I enjoyed hanging out with my friends and family. I even enjoyed having time to myself. I actually cared about how I spent my time. I didn’t dread every second of every day. I actually wanted to inspire and impress people with what I achieved in my life.
But now I just want to do nothing. I could careless about about anything.
I just want to give up….
I just wish my life would end. No […]
I’m scared. I’m scared of feeling stuck, of being tormented not only the past, but my own thoughts. I’m scared of moving on, of trusting people who will only abandon me when they find out that I’m not as perfect as they foolishly believed. I’m scared of the possibility of being stuck in stasis for the rest of my life, not accomplishing anything, while everything else moves forward at the speed of light. I’m scared to live with the pain caused by living.
Yet I’m afraid to die. I’m scared that maybe I could have made a difference in someone’s life, maybe even reached my full […]
Ok so it has been really hard for me to admit this but I’m a bad person! I do not care about anyone or anything?! I’m always and only worried about me! Its like I know im this evil person but I don’t do anything! I fear everything! I fear driving and dying I fear people not liking me when why should they I’m a fuck up and it’s like I know im a fuck up but I don’t do anything , I’ve been on this site before and read others posts but im so concerned with myself that I can’t even care and isn’t […]
i dont know.. maybe its cliche but I cant stop thinking of a way to end today
not even today only.. but maybe all the days?
I started self harming when I was in 4th grade. I would choke myself, buy one day my mom read my diary and flipped.
I STOPPED. YOU HEAR THAT? I STOPPED AND WASNT EVEN STRONG ENOUGH TO NOT GO BACK.
7Th grade rolled around and I cut. I cut because I was in a new school, and everyone hated me
8th grade came, and I cut. I cut because I just couldnt be happy with my new popular friends.
sophomore here, and I’m ready. I’m […]