I’m a shitty shitty person

I don’t believe ‘evil’ people exist, and if they do, they certainly do have conscience like you seem to have. It’s normal to be self-centered especially if you’re not okay – it just means that you need to tend to your problems before doing anything else. To be honest, I can probably guess your age and you’ll probably be surprised by how many people go through the same thing. A lot of them do tend to internalise it though so it’s hard to notice.

What is right or wrong should be by your standards or your beliefs. For goodness sake, stop telling yourself you’re a bad person because I hardly believe it, and you’re just beating yourself up over what I assume to be nothing.

“I don’t deserve them.” To hell with that! It doesn’t matter what you deserve. And yes, you are good enough for them so stop telling yourself you’re not. If you love someone enough you’ll appreciate just the very existence of them.. and when they to take that away from you, what do you have left? For your family seem like good folk so it should be enough for them just to have you around, to have you in their life. Although they may wish you were this way or that, but essentially they appreciate your existence and your happiness over anything else.

Let me make this clear, self pitying is not an admirable quality about a person and does not solve the problems that harm us. It is time consuming and waste of your energy. You find your problem and you try to solve it or let it go.

“I wish I could erase my memory bc of all the horrible shit I’ve done.” It’s happened, it’s done – there’s no point worrying or thinking about it. Just take what you’ve learned and leave it be. If there are other people involved, surely they’re going to forget about it and soon you’ll face worse things that will make everything else before it seem as small as a paper cut. Perspective.

Art isn’t for everyone although there are a lot of categories in art which you can do. The main thing to keep in mind is that you should enjoy process as much as the finished product. Also, whilst reading this I’ve been thinking you should try take up drama, you may like it. I’m not talking about big productions or anything, just like a small group – it might be good for you to vent your feelings through characters.

Even if you choose to discard everything I say so far, the bottom line is that you need to stop putting yourself down.