Thanks 4 the welcome-was intrigued and saddened by some of your stories-I wanted to especially thank you all for your openness-nothing like Xmas & the New Year to bring up the same old same old same old——what the hell is the point of me staying 1 more minute on this benighted planet???? a burden to the Health/mental health/& social welfare systems – I am lucky enough to live in a country that provides that for useless people like me. the last month has been almost totally unbearable. I totally understand what everyone says here- & its so nice to be able to say that here […]
Category:
Rants
I wish I could tell how I feel, I wish I could let someone in. I’m on the mix of loneliness and illness, I miss talking to the person I used to know. And I’m not gonna lie, it could be hide inside, but a part of me still wants you. The other part is telling me to let you at “platonic loveâ€. Cause I know you and I will never be. It’s hard and it’s wasting me. I’m slowly losing this fight. The fight against myself. Eventually I will give up, as my mind sometimes does. If you look deep inside you maybe you’ll […]
I wonder why Before I met him, I would dance in the shower. When he was in my life, I would think about showering with him. After he left, I would sit on the ground in the shower and cry. When I got over him, I showered so quickly there was no time for dancing, fantasies or tears. Someone can invade the smallest part of your life, you won’t even realise it, until you dance in the shower again, and wonder why you ever stopped.
I hardly even wake up today without my mother asking me stupid questions.
I was already on edge from yesterday and she keeps pushing me with her stupid question. Â She always gets angry at me but she can’t realize what she did to me all these years. Â I never wanted to blame her, only myself, but she hurt me too, I realize. Â Held me back, made me dependent. Â Sabotaged me unwittingly.
I feel the need to cry, but I can’t. Â Not anymore. Â Not in a long time.
I had a dream that I married a nice girl who seemed somewhat relatable to me. Â Deep down I knew I’d […]
My mom and I are leaving my dad. In less than a month.
The thing is, it won’t be simple. I wished for things to get better blowing a candle the day of my birthday, Â as a Christmas miracle too. We won’t have much money to start this because despite of his alcoholism, Â my dad is especially good at making money. This sudden moving plan is poorly planed, Â but we are desperate. We are moving to a different town, have no real home there or stable job for my mom. Fortunately we have my grandparents, they will give us a place to stay while we get […]
Do you ever feel like you can’t let anyone in? That you can’t tell anyone about your suicidal urges or depression, because you know one day, you’re gonna commit suicide? Like it’s your destiny? And if they get close like that and you self-destruct it’ll hurt them. I know it will hurt them alot. That’s why I made 3 huge mistakes in telling my three friends. Now whenever I go, I know it’ll just hurt them. And people wonder why suicidal people are anti-social. Sometimes you have to push everyone away to save them from the pain.
Do you ever get the feeling that happy people […]
Tonight I gave in. I now have four more reminders of the battle i’m fighting, and my demons within. Blood stained wrists, I wish I would’ve never started.
I’m not even depressed right now but I don’t know what happen and what I’m going to do with my life which makes me want to kill myself. My major in college turns out have nothing to do with my passion that I found out later but I can’t  just drop out or my family will be furious. I’m stuck with my life I hate. I want to chase my dreams even it means I need to start over and leave everything behind, have a minimum wage job (as long as I still can pay my bills, eat, having a roof above my head and […]
I don’t know why i always feel the urge to just end it when things go wrong. every fight with my girlfriend, every time something is not quite right i just want to kill myself. I feel like i am broken. i feel like i am living in a constant struggle to be happy. I don’t go a day without thinking about killing myself. i don’t think my girlfriend knows how bad it really is. I recently attempted suicide and was very close to actually dying. you would think she would lay off just a little, she acts like nothing even happened. she […]
I’m never going to be happy. Nobody likes me. Nobody loves me. Nobody’s ever going to like me. I don’t want to keep living. I’d like to think that once I die there’s just nothing. That’s what I really want, to just not feel this fucking loneliness and sadness. Everybody tells me that life will get better, and I just have to give it a chance, but I’m not so sure. Â I wish that somebody would love me, and that I could be happy, but it’s just not possible. There’s nothing for me but sadness in this life
You ask me what I want and get angry when I reply, “I don’t know” for the umpteenth time in a row. How do I explain that I want to be here with you but at the same time I would give anything to be away from you? How do I explain that you make me so happy but at the same time I want to carve your name into my arm? How do I explain that you’ve finally given me a reason to live but at the same time you make me want to die even more? I don’t say, “I don’t know” to […]
I feel the need to say sorry.
I’m sorry for all the pain I have caused you.
I’m sorry for ever letting you into my secret life of despair as I have tainted your happy life with my depression.
I’m sorry for ever thinking you’d care about me.
I’m sorry for barging into your life.
I’m sorry for not being there for you when you were there for me.
I’m sorry for the way I treated you, as my diary.
I’m sorry for thinking I’m the only person with problems not realising that we were both facing the same issues.
I’m sorry for becoming so sad all the time, ruining any chances of […]
I’ve been spending the last few days with relatives. You know, for the holidays. I gotta say I’ve been having fun. Maybe it’s because the burdens of my MDD feel lighter. It’s quieted because I’ve accepted my suicide. I’m happier because I know in about two weeks I’m going to be gone. I know this happiness can’t last and once they leave it’ll all be back. But I’m at peace with my decision. I’m just happy to be done with the world and my failure of a life.
The depression, the insanity, it all hit me hard, down into the ground. It all started happening again a month ago. I was doing better. I have become worst than I have been in months.  The voices in my head became louder, the nightmares became horrid, the blade is waiting there for me, AND the stress just sitting there own my shoulders. “Maryjane” has been my only friend there for me. I just cant do whatever this is anymore. I don’t even  know what to do anymore. I wish I had the courage to eventually to just end it all. But, I’m hanging in there.Â
It’s sad because my mom thinks i’m doing better today.
I wish she could tell i’m hours away from ending my life.
I’m so fucking tired of being pushed. I just want to move on but I keep getting dragged back into the same bullshit over and over. I never get the chance to put everything behind me and start fresh, because the fucking assholes won’t fucking let me be. Why is it so fucking wrong to want to forget? But no, I have to continue to fucking suffer for their god-damned satisfaction. I have to be made an example of. They won’t rest until I’ve been bled dry, so they can find a new target. I’m not a bad person, SO WHY DO THEY HAVE TO […]
Anyone ever get tired of helping everyone else and no one is around when you need help? It’s like HELLO! I’m here too. I have problems too. Even when people know you have depression issues, they still only talk to you when they have issues. That’s F**ked up. Excuse me, but it is. That’s how my friend killed herself. She helped everyone else, except herself. Are people that damn selfish. Oh help me. Help me, but don’t need me for anything? How’s about leave me the hell alone! If you can’t take the time to help me and listen to me rant, then buzz off. […]
What is honestly the point of Christmas? Jesus was born yeah yeah I get that point of view. But presents and gifts and family and friends and we all have to be fuckiing cheerful just because its a “special day”. Of course on a day like today they notice that I am unhappy… but why cant they notice that everyday? There isn’t any fucking difference! Family makes me want to run away and hide. Friends make me want to cry. Presents I don’t deserve. And gifts make it all worse. So if the holidays are meant to be cheerful and happy for everyone.. why cant […]
Nothing makes this person want to blow their heads off or take an overdose cocktail more than the holidays. Nothing brings up anger, sadness, discontent, loneliness, and every bad moment in life than the holidays. Having a birthday close to Christmas and having to deal with the fa la la la la bs really doesn’t help. So yeah short and sweet: This blows in more ways than one. This blows and makes me want to blow my head off!
*edit* As of yesterday, I learned something that puts all of this in a much clearer light for me now: I have been the child of a Narcissistic Mother and Enabling Father. I knew something was terribly wrong all my life but only since I learned of the precise traits a mother with these tendencies exhibits yesterday did everything begin to click. Being raised this way wrought damage that I’ve only recently begun to understand the full scale of. The worst part is that because I wasn’t aware enough to protect myself, I am currently stuck in a situation in which I have to deal […]