Do you ever feel like you can’t let anyone in? That you can’t tell anyone about your suicidal urges or depression, because you know one day, you’re gonna commit suicide? Like it’s your destiny? And if they get close like that and you self-destruct it’ll hurt them. I know it will hurt them alot. That’s why I made 3 huge mistakes in telling my three friends. Now whenever I go, I know it’ll just hurt them. And people wonder why suicidal people are anti-social. Sometimes you have to push everyone away to save them from the pain.
Do you ever get the feeling that happy people are almost in a different world? You know, mentally? They have an existence full of joy, friends, and good times that you can never join? When I try to join that group I feel out of place. Not a group of random people but people I know, who don’t suffer from MDD. And I don’t think I can rightfully join or ask to. It would taint their lives and bring them down. They don’t have many cares. They’re normal.
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Yes and I worry that my disenchantment with life might rub off on others, especially my nieces and nephews who look up to me. I feel that they haven’t reached my level of ‘truth’ and realization that life is ultimately meaningless-it’s an ugly place to be, to think as I do.
I used to love life-I can barely remember that time-but I know I was happy. Even though life has always been a constant struggle, there was so much I used to look forward to. Meeting with friends, growing up, going to university-those were big exciting events in my life. Now that I’ve ‘been there and done that’, it just feels so pointless.
About the only thing keeping me going is my hope to find a great girl and a higher income so I can do more of the things I wanted in life…but I think I’m largely prepared for death. I’m really sad. Sad at how fast life went by and for not being where I wanted to be, for not having the life I wanted to.
I’m trying my best not to ruin it for others. At the same time like you said, I also don’t want them to get too close, I don’t want to be missed terribly when I’m gone. Also without me around, things would get worse for my family and some individuals, that’s one reason I haven’t ended it thus far. But if things make a nasty turn in my life, then I’m checking out.