Has anyone else ever felt so suffocated by their failures in life? To the point that it prevents you from moving forward and just keeps you there, frozen, unable to achieve, unable to do anything in fact. But the sick and twisted part of it is that it keeps you in a place visible to everyone, leaving you vulnerable to their attacks. Or worse, just being frozen in that spot whilst everyone else achieves and no matter how much it hurts you, all you can do about it is congratulate them. I’m sure i’m not the only one. I know it seems selfish, and ridiculous […]
Rants
I’m sick of  everyone. it seems as if everyone i know is self-centered I’m sick of it. Everyone comes to me for help like my “friend” comes to me saying hes going to kill himself so I do what every good friend does and keeps on talking to him but all he does is say he hates me and that I’m a whore because i was molested and why wont i just let him go die. I know he didn’t mean it…I never take to hart what anyone says when their mad but he must have wanted help or else he wouldn’t have stayed on the […]
Im convinced that im losing my mind, …as each day goes by my mental status crumbles just a bit more. I’m so sick of being alone, but at the same time its all that I want. I dont know what I want anymore. I need someone to love again, . .Im going about it the wrong way, forcing myself into dates from online sites , and than feeling guilty afterwords because I dont want anything to do with that person again. Or just feeling ashamed. I am afraid of myself. Afraid of what I might do or say. I dont even know what Im saying anymore. […]
My family hates me, they always tell me they do. I hate how i remember it when i was little, how happy we all were. Now look, im scared to go home. I hate the people i should love. It drives me insane, how my own father can scream at me ” aww you going to cry, GOOD, now you can go f*ckin cut yourself!!!” I feel numb. From all this stress and pain. It makes me wanna die, makes me think they are better off without me. I know my mom is, she already left me here. My dad already wants to. I should […]
People have told me. Just wait a few years and it’ll get better. I’m waiting…
Will I suddenly feel better as soon as I’m out of high school. Is that the big change. I’m sorry, but one year is long enough.Â
I waited a while, it hasn’t changed much, or I’m too focused on one thing to see it. I, instead, have been going through shitty times (yet I may have over-exaggerated a bit) and that hasn’t really motivated me to keep going.
Please I don’t wan to wait any longer. A part of me wants to end it, it’s probably when I’m most depressed. There’s another part that wants to wait it out.Â
The problem with having 2 or more perspectives/personalities […]
Nathan has left the premises. It is I, Rogue Shadow, who has taken his place. I chose to document my presence since Nathan seems to refer to me as his deity, savior, and hero. If only he would realize he can be everything I am, just by trying hard and not giving up. How shall I do it. If only I had more control over him.
Whether it’s true or not. It’s good to attempt a different perspective on it all. I took a small survey/quiz by the teacher. It was meant to see if you’re more rebublican (conservative) or democratic (liberal). I took it and […]
I slipped up.
I haven’t been here in while. A very long while. Not because the monster inside of me was gone, more because being empty is consistent, and this little bit of venting was enough to keep me just above empty.
I was doing a little bit better actually.
Adjusting.
But I made the mistake of letting someone in.
I should know better.
I know now that I am not pathetic for needing someone in my life. I used to always feel so weak for wanting someone to be there for me.
Humans are not designed to be solitary creatures, in my opinion.
And maybe it’s because I was sexually abused as […]
“Suicide is man’s way of telling God, “You can’t fire me – I quit.”â€
everyone will die (eventually) so what if I decide the end of my history??
I’ve spent a long while thinking about my decision. Life just is just shit for me and it always will be. Shit started when I was 6, when I just came to Ireland with my mom to meet my da, I honestly had no memory of him before, life got bad when he entered it. It was a bearable kind of bad though. My sister was born later, after a while I got used to him beating my mom. It was bearable. When I turned eight and he got his new job, I dont know why but he began to turn on me as well […]
I barely slept. Maybe 4 hours. I should have waited one more so I could have woken up wide awake. I met some wonderful people. Emilio, Jamielyn, Alanis, Tosha and Allison. They are all awesome.Â
I was texting them all night long. I’ll be fine though, the tests, work, and videos require little brains to do. I remember everything when not being forced to go to school.
My dad, brother and stepmom are in long beach by now at a giant stadium, but instead f sports, it’s for their fuckng cult. Haha
We live in hell, earth is hell I’ve explained it well. In a past life I […]
Be yourself they say . No one will judge you they say . Bullying & suicide only exists in movies , it’s not real they say . Well they were wrong . Things that all of us as kids never thought were impossible to do are now becoming possible . Suicide. Rape . Bullying. Emotional. Physical . Relationships. Abuse. These are all things we have to face and deal with on a daily bases . Things that I have to deal with on a daily bases .
My name will remain unknown as well as all my personal information , but at least once a […]
I am so completely exhausted by constant suicidal thoughts and fantasies. Anytime I make a little mistake, or when someone’s response to what I’ve said feels off, there’s a voice berating me, telling me, “I hate you, you’re a stupid fucking whore, go kill yourself. Go kill yourself Rachel. Go kill yourself,” over and over and over. Every day. The theory being: “Everyone remembers every little stupid thing you do and they hate you for it. You should kill yourself and make them forget how stupid you are. Don’t tell anyone, don’t ask for help. They’ll never see it coming.” I don’t think I’ll actually […]
So cut my wrists & black my eyes so I can fall asleep tonight.
I hope everyone who sees this reads it, I am no one special, I’m an 18 year old girl with so much baggage. When I was 15 I met this guy & at first I didn’t let him in didn’t trust him or love him, but at some point my guards came down & I let him in, September 27, 2009 was our day and it all ended after a year & a half. Imagine me vulnerable & alone. In love with someone who promised me the world. Said he fucking loved me forever and ever and always and eternity. Then one day he didn’t […]
things are so messed up.. when you post something to try and help people and only get negative comments and then you just want to take it down.. so you do..
things are so messed up.. when you meet someone and they lead you on and they flirt and they say they only want to be with you.. then they tell you they have a girlfriend and wont talk to you again..
things are so messed up.. when your only way of coping is through cutting and pain.
i fake a smile every single day, and the moment where it slips, and  im questioned, i panic and say […]
9:20A.M:
I have summer school. Haven’t been able to get into a habit of sleeping earlier so I’ve been tired. Drank a monster today, but still tired but also wide-awake. I’m the fastest in my class of World History. I finish my work earliest due to my full year of review in my sophomore year that I failed. I sit alone at our 20 minute breaks.Â
They (campus supervisors) try to corner us onto the quad and I get anxious. There’s a lot of fucking kids from 4 highschools being crammed together.Â
I’m attempting to keep my mind blank from those thoughts about it. My memories are […]
I’m 18, and some days I do not know why I am alive. I have considered death when I’ve been at my weakest. I’ve wanted to go to the beach drunk & walk out into the water as far as I could go and just let go of everything. Let the waves take me away. I’ve wanted to overdose on my Zoloft. And when I really can’t handle anything I take a lighter to my left arm and burn myself. my arm is scarred up now. I HAD a boyfriend from April to this Sunday. We’ve been on and off for the last three months. […]
Will someone please talk to me? I feel like doing it again and i just want someone to talk to.. Please? Anyone? I feel like im alone even thougj im right next to people.. I just want someone who will be considerate and not judge, even though the people next to me wont.. I just dont want to scare them ): i could just use some friends… ):
I go from being manic to being depressed. Sometimes a little of both at the same time.
I go from being on top of the world to just wanting to die.
This cycle never ends… Im not sure what it’s like to feel normal…
I wish I was normal, but at the same time I don’t.
I like being manic too much. That’s why I always stop taking the meds. I wish I could be manic forever…
It never ends…
In 8th grade, I was 13, I was 5’5″, and I was 125lbs. I was teased for eating too much and being overweight, when in reality I knew I wasn’t. I knew at the beginning anyway. I’d been bullied my entire life, and I could shake this off easily.
For a while.
My eyes were convinced first. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a fat girl. An ugly girl. When I looked down at my stomach, I always sucked it in for about an hour afterwords.
My mind followed suit. I thought I was fat. I looked at every meal I ate and started trying to leave some every […]
Within the next few weeks, I am going to commit suicide. I have wanted this for so long but as the day draws closer and closer I am noticing things that are going to be hard to say goodbye to and people who’s lives are going to be changed forever when I am gone.
Mom and Dad,
I have always had a horrible relationship with my parents. They suffer from depression and bipolar as well so they are not exactly the best parents. But I walk by their room and see them sitting peacefully, watching tv or reading, and I feel so horribly guilty because I know […]