Within the next few weeks, I am going to commit suicide. I have wanted this for so long but as the day draws closer and closer I am noticing things that are going to be hard to say goodbye to and people who’s lives are going to be changed forever when I am gone.
Mom and Dad,
I have always had a horrible relationship with my parents. They suffer from depression and bipolar as well so they are not exactly the best parents. But I walk by their room and see them sitting peacefully, watching tv or reading, and I feel so horribly guilty because I know their lives are soon going to be changed forever. There will be no more peaceful days. I never thought they would miss me. But now I am having weird thoughts about it. I feel like they might cry. Actually be sad that I am gone. I know I can’t stay for them. It is either I live in pain forever or them in a bit of pain and I am selfish and choose me. I get to be free. But it makes me sad. I will never joke around or sing with them again. And I wonder how they will remember me. They’ll never understand that this was the right choice for me and always think there was something they could do. Theres not. I feel guilty, but I have to do this. How do I say goodbye to them without them knowing that when I leave the house that day to take my life, they will never see me again?
My Brothers,
I never got along with my brothers either. We fought all the time and it even gets physical. They are young and will remember me as a monster. I hate myself for that. They’re going to have girlfriends who will ask, so do you have any siblings? They will respond “I had a sister, but she took her life when I was young. But it’s ok because we weren’t that close anyway. ” And that will be it. It breaks my heart because no matter how much I think I hate them…I care about how they remember me and how/if at all, this will affect them.
My Babies,
So I don’t actually have any kids. But I am a huge animal lover and I have these 4 brand new kittens that my cat gave birth to on Cinco De Mayo. Sure, my other animals will be ok but these little kittens, they are really attatched to me. Because I am so sad I don’t really get out anymore and haven’t spent more than 12 hours away from their side since they were born. It sounds pathetic, but they look up at me with these sweet little eyes full of love and I feel like they need me. Like it would hurt me if I leave them. Some days I sit there and hold them and cry because I am going to miss them. But I can’t live just for them either.
The point of all of this is that I needed to rant because this gets harder and harder with each passing day. I need help saying goodbye in the most painless way possible without giving myself away. Help? :'(
4 comments
I spoke with somebody that told me that depression, whether brought upon my mental illness or unfortunate events, is like a pendulum. It’s not that you don’t care about the ones you love, but that the pain can become so unbearable that it out weighs everything else. You simply run out of the resources to deal with the pain. So Im not going to tell you to think about the ones you love, but to re-evaluate yourself.
Killing yourself will not free you of anything- whether you are spiritual or not.
There’s no help to be given in saying goodbye to your family, because there is no clever or softer way to do it. You already know the impact you will have on them. I urge you give them a Proper warning, and seek further help. In between all of the shit that is life, there are moments. I know you have at least a few good moments- remember those. If they happened once, no matter how dark your life is- they can happen again.
I hope that your outreach on this forum means that there is still a small part of you that knows- This is not the way out. If all else fails, do me a favor and shoot me an email: mcw0987@yahoo.com.
Mike
Hi there,
I’ve just joined the project because when I saw your post I really wanted to reply. Something in it struck a chord in me, especially the part about your babies, and I could hardly read it without crying.
To be so concerned and caring about your pets tells me you are a very caring person and you don’t deserve your suffering. I am not telling you not to kill yourself, because I would never deny anyone that option if they truly could not go on.
But could you wait a while? Maybe watch those beloved kittens grow up into beautiful cats? You deserve that at least after you’ve cared for them. And could you take things on a minute-by-minute basis, never looking further into the future than the immediate task at hand?
Just some ideas. I don’t want to preach. I’ve lived too much in the shadow of suicide myself to think there is a quick fix for these torturous feelings. Whether you choose to stay or go, I hope it is the best decision for you.
Take care of yourself
Dawn
Mike, the pendulum thing makes sense. That is kind of how I feel because nothing will out weight the pain I feel.
Dawn, Thank you for caring but yes, it is my time. I would love to watch my kittens grow up and be there for them because they really are the sweetest things, but I’m pretty sure I would just be being selfish to the world that wants me gone and that my kittens don’t really need me.
I really wish that you would reconsider Jessdepp. I don’t know what kind of pain you’ve experienced in your life; but man- I really wish you could stop thinking the world wants you gone. I don’t even know you and I want you here. No fake shit.
Your post is well written, you are intelligent and care for your animals. This alone is enough of a contribution to the world. Although i cant fathom how deeply hurt you are daily; seeing your post and how ready and militant you are about your decision to leave is something I can relate to. It just hurts seeing someone else in the same position and not being able to say or do anything that will matter.
If for nothing else, I really enjoyed and felt your post, thank you for sharing- that does not mean I’m giving up on the chance that you’ll reconsider. Email me anytime if you want to talk.