So cut my wrists & black my eyes so I can fall asleep tonight.

I hope everyone who sees this reads it, I am no one special, I’m an 18 year old girl with so much baggage. When I was 15 I met this guy & at first I didn’t let him in didn’t trust him or love him, but at some point my guards came down & I let him in, September 27, 2009 was our day and it all ended after a year & a half. Imagine me vulnerable & alone. In love with someone who promised me the world. Said he fucking loved me forever and ever and always and eternity. Then one day he didn’t love me anymore? How does that happen, either you always loved someone or you never did, there is no in between. I put my heart into that relationship, & he let me go like I was nothing. I spent well over year trying to get over him, stalking his life, begging him to take me back, crying my eyes out, sleeping to block out the pain. Then this year in January, we were finally okay after a year and some change apart we finally talked again and we started to rekindle what we HAD it just didn’t work out no matter how much I wanted, he was my past, my first love, my first heartbreak. You can’t get what you once had back it’s just another chapter. I realized it’s not the feelings that change it’s the people. Now today, I am finally free of him, I could care less what he’s doing, or who his new girlfriend is, I hope he’s happy, cause I know I am without him & it feels good to finally say that & know it to be true.

The parts I left out though were all the meaningless flings. Sex became well a game in my eyes. I’ve had sex with 11 people. I say 9… Really all I wanna count is 2. Because only 2 of them meant anything. I was 14 fucking years old when I lost my virginity to a 18 year old senior, who told me he liked me, snuck out of my house to meet him, got wasted and well had the worst first sexual encounter possible. I still remember laying in his bed well into the night after everything was said & done totally naked just wanting to go home, listening to the radio playing country music in the background & him passed out next to me. A few days later I went back over there and he had a bottle of Vodka told me I could drink all I wanted cause he was gonna stick with the beer. Sounds suspicious right?? Tell that to 14 year old me, I blacked out after a few shots woke up naked without a clue what happened… ha.. L0oking back now I thank God, worse didn’t happen. Had kinda sex a month later with one of his friends we didn’t really do anything but fuck around cause his dick was huge. Third guy, well that was 2 months later & I was 15, happened in my grandmothers basement boy she was mad.. lets just say I didn’t stay over grandmom’s much after that… I was snorting pills, sneaking out, and acting like a fucking hoodlum. I wish I had been a better person. Sophomore year or should I say lack there of considering my transcript goes 9,11,12th grade. I was “Home Schooled” more like I slept & did whatever the fuck I wanted. That’s the year I started dating my first love… we had a good run while it lasted into junior year sadly that too ended.  Went months depressed fucked some guy I just wanted cause I knew I could have him, borrowed well over $200 from me, never saw that again… Got kicked out of my house then came this sexy older guy that was good but it was a one night thing too. Moved back in with my mom, made a new friend started fucking her older brother & doing pills, kicked out again, that guy was just sex but he was so obsessed. Met sexy older guy had a fling with him no sex, I still want a relationship with him. Met guy who is now in army had sex with him a few times, it sucked so I blew him off…. kinda regret that too. Started talking to another guy well that ended bad too. Now we’re pretty much into present time, and the most recent guy I love even though he hurts me every way possible I just want him. I’m so fucked in the mind when it comes to the concept of “love” & “emotions”

My “father” aka the sperm donor beat my mother & tried to kill her & my 2 little brothers on numerous occasions. My mom was 17 when she had me, she had 3 kids by the time she was 20 now 35 She has 7. Strongest women I know. My Father is her husband the man who raised me.A few months ago the sperm donor tried to get in touch after 10 years of nothing. We share a birthday it’s not like he could forget that. Fuck him.

These past few months my anxiety has really kicked in & I keep shutting everyone out. I know I’m doing it but I can’t help it, I just want to be alone. My grandfather was shot & killed in 2007. It’s a unsolved murder that to this day will probably never be solved. I love that man more than life itself & I miss him so fucking much everyday. I graduated this month & all I wanted was him there.

I’ve turned to burning myself to cope with the anger, sadness, & pain when it becomes way too much to deal with, my on again off again boyfriend cuts himself… I tried that but nothing compares to the burn of that lighter.. Haven’t done it in like a week… It’s a start.

I joined this because I know what it’s like to be that little girl scared & alone, wondering why everyone at school hates her, & why nothing she does is ever good enough. When everyone is trying to jump her, calling her a slut & a whore. I’ve been there. Because of that I am the person I am today, I don’t care how people view me, I don’t care what they think all I need is my family & I’ll be okay in the end. Blood is always thicker than water. Just remember that.

It may seem like your parents are out to get you & don’t want you to do anything but it’s taken years for me to realize they just want you safe & to know your alive when your out. It may not seem like that now but one day you’ll see what I mean.

To everyone contemplating suicide, don’t do it. Your life is worth so much more than the words people say. Yes, I know it hurts & you want it all to stop but death is never the answer, trust me I think about how great it would be to end it all.

I am not scared to die when it’s my time, it’s my time, no point in trying to leave this earth when who knows what I’m destined to do. Think about the people who are murdered or die in accidents, they didn’t have a fucking choice whether they were gonna live to see another day, given the chance I guarantee they choose living over dying. You think killing yourself won’t affect anyone? You’re wrong it affects everyone you know, everyone who loves you, there gonna have to carry around that burden too.

I take 200 mg of Zoloft everyday & I really think I would snap if I didn’t have it. If I don’t take it early enough & I sleep in I will wake up wanting to die, wanting to just lay there & never move. That is so scary & I hate it.

I am here to listen to give advice, whatever.

Choose life. Choose to breath. Choose to prove everyone of those mother fuckers out there that doubted you wrong.

Stay Strong & most importantly keep fighting.

-Princess Sin.