A good joint, good food, and a good movie staves off suicidal thoughts for me, albeit temporarily.  I returned home with a beef curry with onion, fried rice and chips. I had the plate, water, movie, ready to go. I had 2 joints already rolled and awaiting attention. I had already showered and shaved.  I put the chips on the plate first, fried rice on top of chips, beef on top of that and curry sauce last. I sat down and started ‘Carlitos way’. Suicide was off my mind but not gone from my mind. Once Suicidal thoughts get a foothold its a permanent condition […]

I wanted to share something I wrote recently while in anguish about how my parents don’t accept me for who I am and the way I want to live my life (basically, different from theirs). It helped me feel better, and hopefully it will bring you some comfort too. Let me know if it does and I’ll post my other ones 🙂

The poem:

Farewell: Understand Compassion Kills

I fucked this paper

Tortured it

And malevolently ended its happiness.

(Because I couldn’t find anyone else to do it to.)

Fuck you.

That’s what I said

That’s what I did. 

I yelled and yelled the way they had yelled at me.

My words:

Fucking.

Stupid.

Paper.

My sentences:

I despise you.

Get out […]

I seem to get in my own way.

Every tim I make some progress I slip and fall back down again.

I know I’m a miserable person that needs help, but I need to start to do these things on my own.

If I don’t, who will?

I miss the optimism of youth, that’s long since buried.

Been just surviving this whole time it seems.

I would be better to my family, to the friends I had and have, but I know I wouldn’t contribute properly to these relationships. I don’t do all that much as is. I’m a dull individual as it turns out.

I’d slowly been feeling detached from a […]

things being quiet, I have to remind myself that part of my misery is me taking on the project I am to try and get off heavy duty prescribed drugs and caffeine. I could have it easy if I just upped my dose on both. I’ve cracked a few times since I started trying. My full dose gets me nice and numb. However, it’s a shackle, and I’m less productive.

I really can’t describe it to someone who hasn’t been on heavy mood altering drugs most of their life. You know that they you that people have been seeing isn’t the real you. It makes it […]

Feeling like I want to die. But if it were to happen my survival instinct comes in. I’m so upset by the way some things are and happen in life. They are strange, unpleasant and painful.

The majority of my life is governed by fear, and has been for a long time. I seem to have a far greater sensitivity to perceived threats than is normal or healthy. On top of that, I think I find it much harder to accept the suffering that this world contains.

You could get hit by a car tomorrow, and paralysed, and trapped in a state of chronic pain. Or any number of seemingly unlikely things. The longer you live, the greater the opportunity for something like that to happen. And I’ve never known how to be ok with that potential. It doesn’t seem worth the […]

Ongoing monitoring of my public breakdown that I’ve been having at work. It’s been as polite as I can be about it, and I guess I’ve been masking really really well. Normally staying centered and productive is a major point of pride, so you can imagine the associated shame that is automatic.

However, I broke down and told way more of the story to my boss, about how I’ve been struggling, which to be fair she knows half of already. She listened and helped me deal with my feelings of frustration and empathy burnout. She told me that there was a limit to how hard I […]

Lot on my mind. As usual. Next week is my last week for my internship. I came into it expecting to fail, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Last month or so I’ve just been working on a stupid report that bores me to fucking tears. Last week or so been dicking around more than usual because I can’t be bothered to try anymore. My mentor has gotten to the point where all he can say about my report is that it is “readable”. I can tell he’s already sick of me. I tell myself that […]

I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday.  I am dreading it like crazy too.  I’m seeing a cornea specialist to decide if I need a corneal EDTA chelation operation.

I have been taking eye drops as long as I can remember and over time these eye drops have formed calcium deposits on top of both of my corneas.  This is called band keratopathy.  And i’m nervous because chelation involves using acid to dissolve the calcium while using a small blade to scrape off whatever’s left.  This all happens under anesthetic of course, but it still sounds awful, and it definitely has risks.  I guess i’m just […]

Just saw a political ad. Who the hell takes their child to a political rally? There were children in the front row.

My self is disappearing again. I want to cut myself so bad. Just to see if my blood is still pure. It’s the only thing that brings me back to reality. If I were ever cut myself and see that my blood is impure, I would kill myself.

I genuinely thought the ‘i want to die’ phase was just a phase and that it was over but guess what not yet. Worst part is that before I could actually tell atleast one person about this but now I can’t even do that. The people I want to talk to have other people to talk to so I’m the one who’s always left and the one who always says that it doesn’t matter it’s fine I’m fine. They don’t even fucking ask atp and yeah I guess cuz I put up the greatest fucking act but for once I wish just once someone could […]

We started talking in 2017 as friends. I asked her out in 2022, It started out as she and I went to see a movie just as friends. She started feeling cold so I warmed her up and she snuggled in my arms and I was almost holding her outer thigh at that point “with her consent”. I’m emotional when it gets touchy. So I decided to ask her out the next day. She said, “what would it get you from dating me?”. “Love and a sense of attachment”, I answered. Later in the relationship we had many breakups and patchups. She once said she’ll […]

Today I hurt myself. I diverted for four days, at that point I let myself go.

My girlfriend came over one night, because I told her I would like that, and stayed for two. Did she know something was up? We haven’t talked about it despite me thanking her for her company because I was struggling. 

I feel like shit.

I have sick days or off days, and I just lay in bed.

I’m either tired or irritated on those days, and I wind up not doing anything. Just getting up to eat something or use the bathroom.

I’m so up and down in general, like a boom-bust cycle.

I have yet to find a therapist, to get shit done, etc.

I work and can barely pay my bills.

I don’t spend all that frivolously, I spend mostly on food though, so I barely have savings at all.

I’m just fed up honestly. I’m eventually going to leave where I currently am and move somewhere else at some […]

I’m utterly useless! Pointless in every professional way, however that is not something I caused. I love it, this is the closest I’ve gotten to proof of that. They can’t build the stupid offices so that I can see clients regularly.

I know all about construction deadlines and whatnot and the time it would take if an adept and agile company was trying to do this. However this is the state where I live, the same entity creating the education system I so strongly want to get my family away from.

A diseased body cannot help but behave diseased, so delays and delays. I’m fully trained, but […]

Was by leaving the soccer team aged 13. This error would have far- reaching consequences on my social development. I put myself back ten years in one fell swoop. I had listened to educational propagandists waxing lyrical about the merits of education and I bought that lie, withdrew from the soccer team to study and put myself firmly on the suicidal path.

One day not long after I left the team I bumped into Noddy and little Scooby, both players on the team, who were talking to these two girls with some degree of confidence. ” I see you left the football team” they said. ” […]

I know it’s really stupid but sometimes I just… really want a hug. To be held. Even if it’s just for a minute. But instead I’m stuck here, staring at the ceiling attempting to sleep because I know I have to get up early tomorrow but I just can’t. I feel so alone… I feel so alone all the time and I hate it so much. I know I’m just a burden, I know I’ve brought everything upon myself, I know I’m not worth the time, but… still, I just want to be hugged…

: (

If you want to be magic, you’ve got to be tragic….. Shit I’m set.

Anyway, shoes dropped today.

Yes, I dropped my money, quite a lot of it on something to go on my feet. I had to finance, and unconsciously that meant committing to another 3 months at this, because I have to wait to pay off the boots. Now that I think about it though, I’m shackled by my boot orders until they are complete, I’m not going to try and […]

I’m the problem. My mind, my personality, how I relate to the world. Everything about me is wrong. I’m a waste of life. A waste of existence. I make things pointlessly miserable and painful for myself. It’s so fucking stupid. There could be someone here enjoying life in my place. Using the resources, the space I take up and actually making the most of it. Instead there’s just this misery I’ve created for myself. I don’t want to be this anymore. But I’m too afraid, or too attached to being this to end it. Too afraid to let go. Too attached to ideas of who […]