I don’t know if it’ll ever come to anything, but I’m trying developing a video game. It’s kind of a why not me kind of moment that has been going on for a little bit. I do have a minor in computer science, and I’m told I’m a decent writer. I talked to a computer science friend and he backed the decisions I’ve made so far, but who knows if they are good ones?

Like I’m going to launch an indie game….. definitely some imposter syndrome going on.

Why do we have to be controlled by money all the time? Why are we slaves to money?

I’ve come to realize that all my self harm is emotional. I don’t have the stomach to follow through with my impulses, so instead I just lock myself in a chamber of self hate. Constant echoes of “I don’t deserve to exist”, “what if I just disappeared”, “I should just die”, “it’d be so much easier if I were just gone”. Flurries of these statements just banging around in my head at more and more alarming rates the longer this low point in my life goes on. I withhold nice things that I have because it’s “not the right time”, “I don’t deserve it” and […]

WTF is happening to America? WTF is wrong with people?

I’m no fan of the right or of conservatives (nor am I a fan of the left, at least not anymore after the last 2 elections)- but assassinating someone who isn’t even a politician and doesn’t hold any political power? He’s also not even one of the most extreme ones on the right. But he is popular with the under 30yo crowd so I do see why he was taken out, so to speak.

OFC this is causing even MORE divide among the left and right. Makes me think if this wasn’t orchestrated […]

Losing out on that job did more to me than I’d like to admit. I think I was genuinely excited to be going back and living in Boston. Coupled with more disappointment on the PhD front, this week has felt like a thousand years. At least I’ve been getting good sleep. But that’s only because my body really doesn’t want to get up. 8+ hours to feel dead. I think that’s why us depressed people love sleeping. We don’t have to be ourselves for that time. I always say this, but you never remember the exact feeling […]

Today a man told me about how his life spiraled out of control due to an injury that affected every aspect of his life: family, work, finances, physical ability, and mental health. He sought help from a mental health unit and seemed surprised when I told him that I am glad he sought help and that he made it. He expressed appreciation.

Traditional “help” had been forced upon me in the past, but I don’t think that I could give myself over to it willingly. Trust issues.

That man has my respect.

Tomorrow is “R U Ok? Day” and “Make Your Bed Day” among […]

Life is full of either fuckery or bullshit. Leading to stress. Stress resulting from lack of money or just fucking incompetence and laziness from other people. Having to deal with bullshit things like in my Rants post. Like 1-3 could’ve been avoided but noooo.

Then there’s all kinds of other bullshit we gotta deal with. Too tired to even get to that.

In the end, we are born into a life where it’s all bullshit- go to school for 12yrs, then go to college for 4 more only to be tens of thousands in debt. Then when you graduate, you either […]

1- Stupid Amazon Delivery guys keep delivering to the WRONG area. They never WALK over to MY door, just drop the package off on the ground like 20ft BEFORE my door. I have more deliveries coming so it’s a fucking issue. And usually there’s a truck but I went out right after I got the message it was delivered and there was no truck- I literally got outside 2min after it was delivered- and I couldn’t even flag down the driver to tell them to deliver to the right door next time. Next time they’re going to deliver to the wrong […]

I just lopped off about 7-8″ of hair. Just used a scissor and done. Tired of my damaged hair snagging on the brush. Also didn’t want to pay like $30 to get my hair cut. They always charge extra for “long” hair. Anything over shoulder length is considered “long” but it’s just an excuse to charge more. I’m sure it’s uneven but eh.

I do like long hair much better than short, but it’s somehow freeing to get rid of those several inches. Especially since the bottom ones are more damaged/dry/split ends.

Anyway, not an important post but […]

Things keep looking bleaker and bleaker. I didn’t get this job I was real excited for. Lab technician up in Boston. Wanted to work in a lab again. Apparently I was in the top 3. I was also overqualified. Probably what did me in. Might be arrogant to say that. Was pretty bummed. Now I have to dive back into the hellscape of looking for a job. Got like 3 calls today at least for an interview for technician roles and automation engineer. Overqualified again for that technician job. Failed the automation engineer […]

I dont mean to give toxic positivity. Im only trying to help those who want the help. I can only contribute what has worked for myself. Thoughts and realizations that worked for me. Take what follows from this point on with a grain of salt, but also, if you choose to continue to read, give it a fair chance to make impact.

Some people say, “I want to kill myself, but Im too afraid to go through with it all. So I do nothing, and suffer.” But we only get so many days in a life. The people who say this ARE killing themselves. […]

Life is hopeless, but there’s a terrifying kind of hopeless when you realize that money, the most powerful thing in world, can’t help you. Can’t even make it better.  Can’t do shit.

I can’t even dream of winning a lottery, striking oil or finding buried treasure. Nothing makes a difference. Nothing.

THIS.
THIS is a lesson I learned too late in life. Women have treated me FAR worse than all the crappy men put together. It’s hard to explain to someone bc “no one punched you,” “no one physically harmed you,” and no one did anything “illegal.” But women do THE most damage to other women psychologically and socially (via gossip). It’s just not talked about. And these cu.nts pretend to be “your sweet friend”
when they are anything but.

Not suicide related

My new friend told me the other day that ‘I remind him of his abusive ex’ and apparently I look like her on some angles, and I have some mannerisms and sort of act like her in some ways.
We seem to have a good time together when we spend time together (although that’s limited because we both live rurally and 1-1 and a half hours away depending on the route taken).
But I feel like I’m just traumatizing him with my existence, unfortunately. Who would want to be with someone who reminds them of an abusive ex?
He said it’s his […]

“The Life That You Want Is On the Other Side of the Work You’re Avoiding”

Was watching Jimmy Carr and this part really struck me:
@5:25

What do you think? I think it especially applies to a lot of ppl here on SP, including me. Whether that means having more friendships, relationships, better career, moving to another city/state/country, etc. Depressed ppl are the kings and queens of procrastination. Not saying all of us here are, but I know I am.

I hate that I’m a procrastinator. I used to be very much a do-er, especially when it came to things I […]

I’m getting just about fed up with this Loch ness monster of a modern job market.

Before I explain, a video in way of exposition;

Most of you are within the age range of me to remember the show and remember the bit, but it’s one of my favorite.

Anyway so this last job that still hasn’t generated me a single dollar of income has cost me over $700. My wife and I are pretty pissed off about it. The company may have been somewhat respectable, but I wasted at least a month trying to make it happen all for a big fat nothing.

I really feel like I’m […]

Amazing how one’s environment can dominate you. I was awakened today at 11 AM when the power went out. I would later learn this was because my mom forgot to pay the bill. This set all of our battery backups beeping. Now at the time I’m thinking we’ve got a storm rolling through, it might be a short blackout. I’m trying to sleep through it. My wife gets up.

The blackout goes on, and my wife tells me that there’s an estimated restoration in the afternoon. I resolve to try and sleep until then. The beeping has ceased by now. I wake up at 2 and […]

Do you notice that there are rules of social engagement that other people understand, but you struggle with?

It’s been a thought of mine lately that, at the risk of being dismissive, I will refuse to endure sifting through nuanced conversations with half shrouded intentions. It exhausts me to try to sort through discussions within my social sphere trying to determine who is friend, foe, or frenemy.

Frankly, I would rather be alone with my own oddness than suffer through the boorish character assassination of the petty and the restless.

It disgusts me when people just want to “warn” me to avoid someone else. It’s just a veiled […]

Because of my severe depression and burnout after being diagnosed with a hearing disability, my functioning completely shut down and I lost all my friendships, my romantic relationship and my academic career. I was simply holding so much pain and internalized self-hatred and feelings of worthlessness, that I had no energy to nurture my connections or even take proper care of myself. Messages went unanswered, I quietly disappeared from people’s lives like a ghost, unable to get out of bed, struck down with a complete inability to function like a normal human being. I was carrying the thought of how much I wanted to disappear […]