I really despise when not sick people try to cheer me up. “Things will get better”

no, well actually maybe, but you’re making it worse, because I’ve been waiting for it to get better a long time. I know one way it will eventually get better, I’ll die, of old age if nothing else. That will be better.

It’s just the same problem as before; I don’t trust the perspective of others, all the less if they think that I’m set up for a win. I’m not. Worst is when I’m already run down, tired and frustrated, and now I have to argue for my point of […]

this tightening in my chest won’t go away. that anxiety eating away at my back won’t go away. my paranoia that my friends don’t really care about me won’t go away. im so sick of it. im so sick of myself. im so sick of constantly needing and asking validation, but i cant help it bc if i dont get it i just get worse and worse. im so sick of people misunderstanding what im feeling or what i want. im so sick of that fact i cant properly communicate what i want to people. im so sick of people thinking its okay to leave […]

I want to tell my story but I know it will be taken as a joke, or ignored like some kind of terrible fable or fairytale. The worse fairytale ever written and it’s my life. I want to tell my story but even if i did nobody will ever be able to relate to it, i have nowhere to go anymore as if i ever did. I thought maybe i could engineer my way out of my nightmare but no, it just persists. I don’t even want to talk about it really but i thought maybe just maybe if i was EXTREMELY lucky I’d find […]

I always would try to comfort people by saying that ‘suffering creates growth’ and that without suffering, we would never learn, or become better people. I think I was saying it more for my own sake than anyone else’s.

I never judged or was angry with a person for committing suicide. In the back of my head, I understood why they would do it

I’ve struggled with epilepsy for the past 18 years. It hasn’t been that bad, I guess. Still, it’s enough to hamstring me in work, relationships, and long-term pursuits. I’m tired of the auras, the waking up on the […]

(I promise the intro is relevant)

Being told I was a gifted kid in elementary and middle school was such bullshit! All I did was read and kind of understand assignments sometimes and because of that I never developed any sort of work ethic, or probably any ethics in general.

Now as a senior (literally 3 months from graduating, its so close and so far) I can’t do anything. I skip half my classes, don’t do my homework unless I’m actively in class, smoke weed all day, and am generally a tumor on my family’s hard work. Every generation has put in […]

One of the many factors that make me want to simply stop existing is school. Or rather, the expectations of my superiors – be it, parents or teachers. If a student is stressed to the point that their first reaction to school is utter panic and dread, it should be clear that something is wrong. As I’m currently writing this, I’m trying to stave off the urge to run away as far as I can.

I dont even know what to write here honestly.

Im so far beyond burnt out on life that I dont recognize who I am anymore.

I built the life I thought I wanted, got married, had a couple kids. Had what I thought was a good job, but it ended abruptly. Husband told me I could stay out of work to focus on grad school and the kids and then told me every week he was moments away from walking out on his job so I never felt secure. Start a new job next week and I know Its going to be […]

I feel like everything is almost already dead because nothing much, new, exciting is happening

I have been telling prospective employers that I am freelancing, but that’s not true. I am doing projects, but not getting paid for them. Maybe it is part of the problem, me lying about it. What if I told the truth?

“I’m taking the time off to spend with my family and work on my health”?

It indicates, accurately, that pleasing an employer is something I’m not overly invested in. It makes it sound less like I’m a workaholic.

Anyway, yesterday I was chatting with someone on masking, and it clicked;

I may be sentenced to life in this body, but anything beyond staying alive is purely optional. I […]

I live everday in complete bliss and darkness. I started off well. Today I don’t want a single thing..not love, pleasure, nothing even life itself. I did everything I ever wanted to do. So why is this? Why I’m I feeling no purpose anymore.Where did i miss something?… or is life itself calling to it’s end.

Once, a couple (who knew of my condition) asked me: “What made you like this? What is it that you fear so badly?”

“Is it pain?”

“Is it death?”

“Must be pain, right? Because you can’t deal with it so that triggered your ‘problem’, right?” What, suddenly depression is the new equivalent of the F word?

“Must be death, right? Because you’re afraid of dying, so you get depressed, right?”

No, it isn’t Pain. Although the fear intensifies our emotional pain.

No, it isn’t death. If anything, people who have the same thoughts as I do right now, Death is a release.

What I fear most is losing (and subsequently, spiralling […]

I am occasionally convinced that no one in this world will ever love me. I don’t know if it’s true. I am experiencing one of these occasions currently.
I have people that will tell me they love me, if I ask. This causes me immense guilt. I know there are folks who don’t have this grace.
Nevertheless, I don’t believe any affirmations. It is because I feel they hardly know me. I am an anxious person. I am an introverted person. I don’t like new situations. I don’t like new people. Even the few people I’ve known for years feel like strangers to me. I […]

Sometimes I feel like k!lling mys3lf. Like now. But I can’t do it. I’m tired of me, my life. I believe that I might exist in some way even after death and I might not escape these miserable feelings .

Just 2 more months and I’m done. Just 2 more. Need to get there. Of course it’s not just 2 more months. Then comes the next thing. Graduate school. I got rejected from OSU. In terms of my preference, it was #2 on my list. Really liked the programs and labs offered. Got accepted for RIT and University of Washington, my #3 and #4. Haven’t heard from my #1 yet, but if I couldn’t get into OSU, got no hope of getting into WPI. So it’s between RIT and University of Washington. Besides […]

These past few days I’ve been letting myself remember more of who I was before this last one two punch of soul draining carnage. One thing that keeps coming up is what might have been. There were women who I might have married (or in one case stayed married to) and at the time I was courting them, it appeared to me that spending my life with them would be peace and honey forever. In the present I wonder if it really would have been.  I was young, and hopeful, and now I’m less young, and disillusioned.

I don’t think any of them could have saved […]

In my dream, you asked if I was dreaming. “You’re experiencing hell in reality.” I couldn’t remember if I spoke. What is hell?  Your skin was blue, and from a fish to a spider to a blue man, you told me to wake up.

In another dream, someone tried to cut off my head, leaving s scab that looped around my neck, like a choker.

In the last dream, they finally cut off my head. I jumped out onto the blade, asking for it. I tried to keep my head near my body with my shoulder, my brain felt cold, and of course, I couldn’t speak anymore. […]

i go through these fucking episodes where im just indifferent to everything. its happening right now and im laying in bed listening to duster and theres just this very intense feeling of numbness and hopelessness. its hard to even type this because whenever this happens everything just feels empty and its hard to even move. If i try to walk it feels like im dragging myself, like my body is completely hollow. i have no idea what this is but i dont even want to do anything when this happens i just want to curl up and dissapear. i dont want to scroll mindlessly on […]

I keep rewriting this. maybe overexposing myself. but i feel a need to get it out. i’m heading to my dark place and i’m trying to detour. i love my therapist, she’s amazing. and i’ve been with her for a very long time. i have some very severe mental health issues. we reach a place where there is a gap. where she has opened me up and then i feel dropped, excruciating pain, re-traumatizing, engulfing. sometimes it feels like … i can’t put it in words. there is a pain, a deep chronic, from infancy up…sexual abuse and neglect that leads to such a cavernous […]

I Don’t Understand this f’d up World

the sun came out today, literally and metaphorically, dig this;

I went for a two mile bike ride to one of my favorite parks.

played with my dogs

bought grass seed

and did session #1 with my second new therapist of the year.

He said I was “passionate”, and I’m just; “dude, more lined up to work today than has in the past six months, anyone would be keyed up.” I’ve been dead inside, for months, and today was like “okay, I’ll take just this much of a breath”

inside I hate it, can’t trust it. He asked what was keeping me going, as if I had some glimmer of hope, […]