As it gets closer to time I’m wondering what it will be like. Will there be pain? Will I feel life leaving my body? Will I be asleep? Will I be afraid? Will I fail? If I fail what’s going to happen? Will I be hospitalized? Psych hold? What method will I try next if the pills fail me? My brain is busy processing all these questions. Has anyone attempted before that is willing to share your experience?

I hate self harm relapses. Not like being “clean” from cutting for 4 days is a big hoorah.

Just damn. I wish the blade was sharper to get more blood.

ahh…don’t listen to me ramble…im overtired and plain batshit insane hehehehe

i’m cutting my fucking self again, i don’t get posting this, but fuck off, i feel so fucking lost right now.

Anyone want to chat? Yknow, about death and stuff? Anyone at all? I really am losing my grip on reality.

Tomorrow is the day. I’m sitting here making a mental note of the final things I need to do. I’ve taken out the trash, I’ll finish the laundry in the morning. I’ve set my phone to send out Fathers Day messages automatically. The refrigerator is empty except cases of water and some lemons. I wanted to have all these documents shredded but didn’t get around to it guess I’ll pack them up and shoot an email to my attorney that he should collect them and properly dispose. I wanted to donate my body to science but they don’t accept suicides. I still need to write […]

Just another day of fighting with my fiancee. God, I CAN’T wait to find employment and move out of here. I have to. It’s so miserable knowing that I’m a 25 year old who will never be married as long as I’m with him. He’s verbally and physically abusive, and never sorry about it. He controls everything and takes so much from me. When his plans fall through, it’s my fault, or anyone else’s but his. He literally believes that he is God, and should actually be locked up in a psych ward. The amount of times that I should have called the cops on […]

Well, I’ve been off my med (200mg Zoloft) for three weeks. Cold turkey. I was on it for both depression and anxiety.

The only difference I notice is that the physical symptoms of my anxiety have returned. That trembling sensation in my hands, nausea, sweating, flushing, etc. Anxiety levels and depression levels are the same.

Withdrawal effects were pretty tame. Nausea, head aches, dizziness, emotional lability (i.e. uncontrollable crying/laughter at odd times)

Hmm probably should go back. The physical symptoms of anxiety are a ***** and they are mostly visible to other people which is not good and in turn makes me more anxious.

I’ve realized I’m no good my family hates me my grandpa doesn’t like me my uncle always fucks with me and makes me feel worse as for why this impacts me so deeply is I have no father all mine is happens to be a pill popper and can barley sustain himself for two minutes without going into a fit of rage. My grandpa has always thought lower of me and never did like me at times it really shows for example, he always goes on about how I’m soo dumb or how I never change when I try when he sits on his fucking […]

lot of other monkeys got attracted to it, and they also started to jump into the race

new monkeys are born to racing monkeys and they also started following parents

after some time, first group of monkeys died, remaining monkeys keep running in the race

after a long time a new monkey started asking why should a monkey’s  life wasted in the race like this?

no one has the answer.

Same way as humans don’t have answer for why they live

there are times when i really want to dance the line of life and death, and others where i am glad to be alive. lately though it seems to be the latter of the two.  there have been times when i have tried to slice my wrists, i have tried to take pills. my question is this: is there a reason i am still here?

I’m starting to see why people do certain things, I may not fully understand it but I think when we are in a place where we feel pent up by our circumstances, a change is wanted…needed. Right now I’m low on oxygen and I’m hanging by an idea. Will a moment come when we find something that gives us fresh air, makes everything seem lighter, brighter more promising, even scary. Looking back to a sad place its easy to ignore it, and maybe move toward what you want to do. In ways I wish I could see an option like that for me but now […]

How many folks believe in heaven here?

I just can’t deal with this anymore! For how many years I’ve been plastering on a fake smile and drifting through life seemingly happy, but deep down I just want to scream every time somebody thinks I’m okay. Years ago when I was 10 I was physically and mentally abused, I was beaten down and made to believe that I was a monster, a problem, a waste of god damn space. I tried to tell people and they didn’t believe me! People who were meant to protect me! I believed I was a monster because these people seemed to love my abuser more than me […]

I never stopped being depressed, I just got better at faking my smile.

being bipolar, having major health issues, and not having any friends makes me need to die. i have noone in real life. i dont work unfortunately. cant keep a job. i reaally need to die. everywhere i go i see folks having what i dont have. i just cant live anymore.

I’ve chosen October 12, 2014.

One hundred and nineteen days, or: a little under four months to live, reconcile myself with the prospect of oblivion, attempt to say goodbyes. I won’t pretend that I’m not afraid of what comes (or, rather, what doesn’t come) after this world, but my desire to die is far stronger than my fear of the unknown.

I’ve even found a peaceful, painless way. There’s no gory aftermath to contend with. I would like to minimize, as realistically as possible, the casualties of an acquaintance’s suicide.

I don’t know about the afterlife, differential calculus, or interstellar space, but I know that this much is true: Some people were […]

Post some movie names here that made you feel good or something inspiring. Here is my list:

1. The Dark Knight + The Dark Knight Rises

2. The Odd Life of Timothy Green

3. The Pursuit of Happyness

4. It’s kind of a funny story 🙂

I am 36..had a pretty rough life.. Not as bad as some, but still pretty rough.. I was sexually abused from about the age of 4 or 5 until I was about 11 by 2 family members..my grandfather and my uncle.. I started smoking pot at around 8 or 9, started drinking when I was I think 10.. Snuck out of my house and. Partied every weekend and would even sneak my parents liquer to school in sports bottles.. once I realized that I can escape this reality I did whatever I could and did it to the max.. I then started lsd and cocaine […]

I have always tried to mean something to someone, but in the end I end up meaning nothing to everyone. I started to notice that I’m like the “backup” friend. The one who is always ignored except when someone needs a favor. The one who doesn’t exist except when someone needs help. The worst part is that I do it expecting something more than a simple “thank you”.

It’s not the first time I’ve felt like this, but I can’t get over it. When I help someone, I exist for somebody for just a few moments. I guess that’s why I keep doing it. But it’s […]

Here, in oblivion. Maybe, I’ll find another chance.
I’m afraid there’s nothing more to say.
I’m not make belief, I’m a kid dying.
The holy spirit is the most beautiful.
I will go, before the solstice, if I can. I must.
The leaf is ripped in my hand. Omega-death.
Do not let me hang by the neck, any longer.
That’s the cruelest satanic shit. Fuck narcissist.
Those motherfuckers took over the world. Some fucked up breed of killers.
But now, it’s a whole other breed. My heart since the beginning, with the animals.
I need to be able to breathe, I can, if you let […]