I’m off with the world, things have gotten so much worse in a couple of days; my remedy – the last working medicine gives me no avail anymore. Chest pains and the difficulty to breathe is too much. Have to get to my car and end it in a matter of days.
Why does this unjustified destiny come across for someone who has no reasonable desire to kill himself otherwise than that of the irreversible condition – and a deadly one of course. This will be hard on my family, but I’ve ruined almost every relationship beforehand already – love and hate for all, I believe is the precise term here. They will miss me greatly, but over time get past it quite quickly, I sincerely hope so at least.
Funny, when one gets sick and has a terminal sickness people tend to react in so obscured ways. My sister wouldn’t stay in contact and wouldn’t answer the phone. She said one time: “it´s too hard to see what state I’m in and don’t want to hear from me, since every time we call things have gotten worse – self-preservation in action so to speak. She kind of wishes for some great miracle to appear; that one sunny morning I’ll just pop in and say I’m cured. It’s a way easier to forget and not to dwell on it rather than being there and give all the support possible. Love you dear Nina always, hope the boys will someday understand.
Mom has been there for me, but she has a tendency to the make up some weird excuses for my sickness and has downplayed my symptoms a lot: “maybe it’s not that bad, you’ll get better” she says. “What if it’s this disease or that, and the doctors are wrong”? It´s her own coping mechanism in a sense of course – even though it’s evident what’s happening and where I’m going to end up in. Love you mom, never forget that, you have been my shoulder and the very light of my life in the darkest of times.
Dad don’t give a shit; he´s done so much emotional violence towards me after puberty that I don’t give a shit either. Fuck him and his narcissistic lifestyle and the way of thinking. I was never good enough for him, and never would’ve been. All is forgiven, no hard feelings.
And my friends, all of them all are from my childhood and are a long-term friends; they life far away from me nowadays and have their own lives and families – they have no clue, haven’t told them anything, which I regret.
You guys have given me some good support; some of you have really empathized; been compassionate, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. All the best for all of you, keep your heads high and remember life’s not over until it’s over – most of you have an option to live or die, or try and change things for the better. Use that advantage and never forget how precious life and the world which we live in actually is. If the mind is lost in a deep unescapable void and there is not a hope in sight – at least there is beauty everywhere for you to see and hear, if you are at least able to go out and enjoy; nature, wildlife, animals – they don’t judge, and will be there for you all, any time, everywhere.
Peace,
Sincerely, Pete; some photos – hoping you guys don’t find it disturbing as I post these. I will be dead in a few months with or without suicide so got nothing to lose anyway. Maybe my soul shall finally meet the green fields of harmony, love and forgiveness. <3
“When I die, don't come, I wouldn't want a leaf
to turn away from the sun – it loves it there.
There's nothing so spiritual about being happy
but you can't miss a day of it, because it doesn't last.”
– Frank O'Hara
Moby; the sky is broken describes my feelings well – or what they used to be at least.
Also wanted The Lonely Shephard again to be with my memory, suits well for my loneliness.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qsgBF7ZIsk&index=42&list=PL_lfsNREdSwx5eGkEOsFse8sWdjwSUi-K
4strings – Take me away, just perfectly describes my hope for being in some better place – who would take me there?
And a dance with the death and love; a dance of harmony and peace – so soothing:
Listen to your Heart – DHT: just love the singers voice and the lyrics – love you Rebekka still and wish we could have had it all.
Of course finally Into the west; a comforting song which I hope has even a slightest nugget of truth in it; the ships have finally come to carry me home.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shdiTRxTJb4&list=PL_lfsNREdSwx5eGkEOsFse8sWdjwSUi-K&index=47
Thank you all of having had the patience to read or listen some of the things I have enjoyed in life, Goodbye. 🙂
37 comments
Hi. Just checking in.
Oh no, Pete, wait a bit longer please!! You just had a couple of bad days, but there might be many painless days ahead for you in the next few months. Anything can happen in the next few months. They might even find a cure for your illness. I am not promising this, but it is a fact that medicine progresses every day. Sometimes I have seen people who said they had no hope and then they found a remedy and they said in interviews that they were so happy. If you want to live and love life, wait a bit longer please! A couple of bad days are really insignificant.
I have health problems too. I used to go to concerts because I like classical music and can’t go anymore because I am a nuisance and people look at me because I cough uninterruptedly, so I have stopped going. I also have many other health problems. (But I don’t want to kill myself because of my health; it is because of other negative factors in my life.)
There are ups and downs in life and illness, and I really think you should wait a bit longer because you do love life so you shouldn’t give up only because of a relapse in your illness.
I really enjoy reading your posts here: you gave hope to many people and I would like to see you around for as long as possible.
Thanks TormentedSoul, I honestly wish I had the courage to stick around but the circumstances in which I am right now are terrifying. This unfortunately isn’t a relapse; it is worsening every day and has been for the 14 months. Not have had even a one better day over that period, medication has helped but they are not affecting anymore as they used to.
No cure for my illness, even if they had to develop one, I have no time – sadly.
Also so sorry for your health problems, hopefully you can live a life without them having any major significance to your life. Depression is another matter of course. Love you for your support and kindness. <3
Thank you for your words, Pete. I am sorry you are in so much pain… 🙁 You might have had a short life, but you have touched so many lives even in the few days you were here. I can imagine you have touched even more lives around you. You radiate so much positive energy, and it so sad that you are so sick. It is your decision, Pete, but if you want to wait at least until the end of the month we are here for you and love you. Maybe peace be with you.
I meant “Peace be with you”…
Thanks again, TormentedSoul, You have so much skill with words of comfort. Tears are falling down my face. I certainly wish that I’ve helped and been able to touch at least someone’s life for the better.
I promise I will try to wait and stay strong as long as I can. Sad that I really have no energy to encourage or try to help others anymore. Really wish I would’ve found this site earlier.
And again, peace, love and take care.
Thank you, LovingLife. I am relieved to hear that you will fight a bit longer! You are a real hero. I sincerely hope that you will also have totally painless days that will enable you to do things you enjoy, things that will bring a smile back on your face. Take care!
Dear LovingLife, this touched my heart- you sound like such a sweet kind soul and I am so sorry you are sick. I am too. I feel your pain, I really do. Reach out if you like. I wish you peace.
Dear Violetta, Thank you for your kind words. So sorry to hear about your sickness – hopefully you can manage with it without it having any major destructive impact on your life. Chronic illnesses are so bad. They take and change your whole identity, and afterwards you need to adjust into a completely new set of settings in life: lifestyle changes, eating habits, how you can move around or exercise, sleep and eventually leading – if not mentally accepted properly, and even if it were – into a possible depression and other related health issues.
Hoping all the best for you Violetta; you seem like a very kind and caring person, also without a doubt a very beautiful soul, a warm hug for you too. <3 Peace and love.
Hi LovingLife, I have been chronically ill for many years. I once had the discipline to take care of myself any way that I had to because my health had always been paramount to me. I had to change everything about my life; very very strict dietary and lifestyle changes. I went along with the program for many years. I worked very hard, and things turned around for me and I became vibrant. However I wasn’t allowed any error because once I loosened up a bit, I would get sick again. Whenever I start to fall ill I would clean up my act and recover. I’ve done this once too many, and my body just couldn’t cope with it anymore. I got very sick last year and unfortunately had to cope with some very traumatic circumstances at the same time; I just wasn’t able to look after myself. It had a profound destructive impact in my life. I was so distraught and depressed, I lost all inspiration and the energy to try to get well. I just couldn’t maintain the even stricter restrictions I had to follow along with such overwhelming things going on around me. It ruined me beyond repair emotionally and physically. It breaks my heart that I once was smiley and bright, or at least enjoyed life and now been reduced to this. I don’t know exactly what your illness is, but if you are open minded, there are alternative lifestyle changes that might be able to help. It helped me for many years, but I am just too gone at this point. I am too far ruined physically and emotionally. I understand that feeling of wanting to live, wanting another chance in life, wanting to be renewed but not having that option because of degenerative and terminal illness. I truly hope that there is another alternative for you. I am sending you comfort and love. I wish I had that when I needed it the most.
Hi! Pete, you seem like a person with a great mentality. You said that you might die in a few months anyway. Then why not try to make the best of it? Help other people, sky diving, swimming with dolphins, cooking simple stuff that you like and share it with a person or the people you like or even stranger or just by yourself,…
I am saying just why not make the best you can from the options you have.
I hope you think about my words. 🙂
Hi Abashamm, what you’ve said was actually in my plans. Wanted to sell my car and travel to Canada – see the Rockies and the Pacific Ocean in and around Vancouver. But even the simplest of things are almost impossible to accomplish these days; can’t eat, hardly can sleep, can’t move anymore and barely can drive a car – so I´m pretty much bound to my home, unable to do anything joyful. Even in total rest the symptoms weight heavily.
Shame, would’ve really done things if had any other form of illness. Thank you for your thoughts, and again best wishes and take care. <3
Not much to elaborate, what can I tell you; thanks for reading the post; love you for that and the sympathy. Wish you all the best and all the joy and peace in your life. Just happy that someone has the energy to read my post and perhaps have a new perception in life afterwards. After all, it is not for us to decide whom is to live or die.
Death comes for all – whether it’s wanted or not.
“End? No, the journey doesn’t end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.”
? J.R.R. Tolkien
It sounds like you have a sturdy resolve. My heart breaks at the thought that you have such a disease which makes you want to die faster. I am so so sorry. That alone is enough to make any person question. I hope that you can find peace in whatever you choose. After all, no one can tell you to do or not do anything. It is inevitably your choice. Peace and love to you, I don’t know how much weight that carries coming from a stranger but I hope that it holds some comfort and support for you.
AarinaDaae, yes, your words do relieve a burden from my shoulders, even though it doesn’t change the facts for the better. Do not break your heart; people get sick, die young, and die old, from natural hazards or from violent acts. I’ve had 29 years of pretty good life so I don’t complain – of course would have wished for some more years. Thank you for all the support and endearing words. Take care and thank you so much, you have a caring and loving soul.
Thank you all, I love you all for encouraging and hugs for all. But it seems that I have endured long enough and I know it won’t get any better – just worse. The disease is devouring me so very fast.
Symptoms are just tearing me apart and can’t cope anymore, every minute is horrible – just wish for the final peace. I think you guys understand that in some way.
I have a tremendous love for life, but my life appears to be at the moment similar as of some despaired soul in a sixteenth century torment chamber; and that is too much to bear for a normal man – not to mention trying to accept and fight against it until the very end.
Hugs for all <3, I can´t even describe how much all of your comments, support and sympathy means and helps me feel better.
No matter how we try, we can’t feel what you feel, but we can relate to our feelings and pain. I wish you peace in your strength and weakness. I wish you peace in your pain and sadness. I wish you peace as you are. I wish you peace for your past experiences and your future.
Thank you Abashamm, your words mean a lot, you seem to have a tremendous ability for empathy and compassion. I appreciate every word you’ve said. And thanks for the encouragement. All the best for you too and take care. A warm hug for you. 🙂
You have an awesome smile! You should use it…try to go about things differently, that is just a suggestion. You have a caring heart and we can all see that through your words..use that caring heart and help. We are all here to help each other to fight, to find our reason to live for. I don’t know you, but I love you. We all have feelings, we all go through hell but it’s all a matter of how we get through it. This too shall pass <3
Thank you Be_you_tiful, I bet you have an awesome smile as well. 🙂 I’ve been trying to use it and make others feel positive, believe me. I love you too, but this shall not pass, no matter how much we would hope for it. Things happen for a reason and my time is up. Love your positive attitude and I’ll fight until the end, but the pain is knocking me down every time I try to stand up. I wish nothing but happiness in your life and take care – love and a warm hug for you. <3
I have read most of your posts. I know what i will say wont make any difference… But, i am sorry for what you have had to go through. It saddens me to read this, you have offered really good advice to members on here, also you are good with words and some of your posts were quite uplifting for me. I wish there was a cure for what you have. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do. I love you even though i dont know you. I apologize for not commenting on your other posts, i dont want to make anyones situation worse. Thank you for being on here and you will always be a good person.
Dear Sadgiraffe, Thank you for the sympathy and the encouraging words of wisdom. Do not feel sad; things happen for a reason. At least I get to be in peace soon, and that’s not so bad thing after this much suffering.
No need for any apologies, very glad to hear if any of my posts have had a positive impact on you – quite surprising actually. And you wouldn’t have made things any worse by commenting – I kind of wish that someone would have.
I wish there were a cure for this too; I hate this situation and cry almost constantly since I have no wish of dying. Desperation is really settling down on me, but I have hardly any options; better and unfortunately the faster method seems to be the one which is more appealing to me at the time – I just can’t cope with the suffering for much longer.
You appear to be a person with a huge and warm heart – hugs for you. Your words have meant a lot – you have no idea how much. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hopefully you’ll get your own problems in order and can find a pure happiness, and are able to enjoy your life to the fullest. Take care, love and peace. <3
You seem like a cool guy, I’m sorry about your illness and everything else. I hope you’ll find the peace you’re searching for.
Thank you Persa for your words of kindness, I’ll find my peace, eventually.
All the best and take care. <3
This saddens me so much. You helped me keep going on one of my posts and I don’t even deserve life. You’re a great guy. I wish I could give you my health.
Dear Disenchanted, I wish I could take your sadness and all of your troubles away with me to my ending. I hate if I’ve caused you even more sadness in your already hard life, but glad if even once have been able to help you. You touched me deeply with that comment of how you wish you could give me your health. Thank you man, you have a tremendously caring heart.
You are a great guy too – and we could have even become a good friends 🙂 – and don´t ever forget your worthiness and value in this world; forget the others and their ignorant opinions and views. You need to learn how to be proud of who you are no matter how much you see flaws in yourself – after all, no-one is perfect or has a perfect life.
Once you start to get some self-esteem, you’ll find things in life so much easier. Believe me, I got bullied at school so much that I lost all confidence and still have scars from that time. After started aging; self-esteem started to gradually appear from somewhere and sometime during the last years didn’t care anymore if someone laughed or stared at me. I had about 5-8 years after school when I thought that everyone was laughing at me when I was out around other people.
I wish that God would give you a better future, just believe in it and it could turn out to be that way. Saying that don’t of course help you in anyway, but still. Don’t give up so easily, you are still very young, But I know from reading your posts that you are a very intelligent, lovable and sympathetic person with a huge and caring heart – someone that I would be proud of calling a friend.
Take care and all the best, can’t express how sorry I am for all your troubles. I honestly do believe that if you just fight and fight, things are bound to get better. Love you man, peace. <3
It’s heartbreaking to read something like this. I’m so sorry about everything you’ve had and have going on and the conditions around you that have lead you to make your decisions. You sound like you have an enormous heart and soul and your family/health situation seems so unfair to me. If you change your mind, we’re all here for you. You’re a beautiful person. Hope you find yourself wherever you go. Lots of love xx.
Dear Purplepain, Your endearing words bring a true comfort for my suffering soul. I thank you wholeheartedly.
You are correct, I’ve always tried to be a good person, never have I hurt anyone intentionally. Always have tried to help others and now feel so saddened to see so many lost souls here on SP wandering and looking for some support and comforting words, but can’t help – have not much endurance left in me anymore.
Things certainly have been unfair if being honest. 4 years ago my health started to escalade downwards; got 2 chronic conditions, and 3th came just last autumn. And of course have struggled with this condition now for almost 1,5 years. I was perfectly healthy until I turned 25. I guess some of my positive energy and willpower might come from what I’ve learnt from adjusting to my other illnesses. I will try to make the best, help others and fight for as long as possible.
So hard when one does not want to die and has no option but to kill himself or suffer like the most devious folks in hell. But why am I complaining, there’s nothing anyone can do to help. But these posts I have gotten, have given me so much strength, but also sadness; after all so many people care, which I had totally forgotten – and to realize it now, just makes me feel so sorrowful. I got so emotional after reading all of these comments that I just couldn’t believe how much love and care people have for a total stranger – wept my eyes out.
I love your words of kindness and I can also see how beautiful and caring heart and personality you must have. Take care, best wishes and all the courage for you in your troubles in life as well. A warm hug and lots of love for you too. 🙂
Pete, you have helped me but I know I can’t help you, you need peace. I wish you can keep going even though I know I have no right to ask and understand why you can’t but you are a caring person who your mother can be proud of, life seems so wrong to take someone as good as you away from us, take care, ni.
Thank you Nias for the very kind words, happy to hear if I could have been of any help to you in your struggles. No-one can help me and I need peace, that’s true; but I’ll try to hang on as long as possible. You Nias and all of you have given me some unusual strength to carry on – or die fighting.
But I must say if the symptoms grow much more, then I must go and have my peace. And most of you understand that.
My mother unfortunately isn’t proud of me, my sister might be – luckily. And yes, even though it seems selfish to say this, but I didn’t deserve this kind of destiny. But none of us deserve the suffering we are in. It’s sad that many times good people are taken away so soon; the very evil and the most cold-hearted persons pull through and live a joyful and cheerful life.
I appreciate every word you’ve said Nias, and I thank you for the support you’ve given me too. Hoping that you’ll find a way to get some solace for your suffering as well. You are a wise and loving person with a heart filled with pure caring gold. You deserve nothing but cheer and happiness in this life full of hardship.
Take care, love and all the best. <3
Im very sorry to hear about this. You seem like a fun person to hang with. I strongly believe you have great things waiting for you on the other side of life. 🙂
Dear Paingoaway, sorry for not replying before. I thank you for your compassion and kind words from the bottom of my heart.
Glad to hear I’ve made that kind of a positive impression on you. I have similar thoughts about you too, and I believe we could have had some fun, hanging around, if would’ve met. 🙂
Let us hope we all have greater things waiting for us in another dimension. Wish you all the best, and I will praying for your pain to go away in the times to come. You are a very good and kindhearted person and deserve nothing but the best. Take care, hugs and love <3
when you die (i am not encouraging it) the world will lose a very kind hearted, warm hearted person, you even reply to each comment thoughtfully. I hope you can help others in too. I would donate my life to you. Even though i am in good health. You are young and this is slowly taking away your life… Someone who is so caring and thoughtful. I find you attractive too. Not that it matters what i think. What really makes someone attractive is whats on the inside though. Thank you for the reply. Hugs to you. Suppose you could email me if you want to talk to someone, i am not a talkative person, i apologize, but we could do, anyway. Again, hugs to you. I love you
Oh Sadgiraffe my friend, your words have made such an impact on me. You have an amazing ability to encourage others. And to say you would even donate your life – I’m speechless. You are a truly an honest and caring person.
I keep on going at this stage mainly because of this site and all of you people. And the comments, such as made by you my friend Sadgiraffe are the very reason why I still fight. As I have said before, I have no desire to commit suicide until the symptoms get worse enough – then it is almost a must.
I find your thoughts similar to mine; attractiveness comes from within. It’s a shame that not many share our view on that subject; it certainly makes the world so much tougher to live in since we have no saying in what “form” we are born into so to speak.
I read your posts and saw you are a WoW-player – a fellow Lotro player here; used to spend my whole life in Lotro before I got sick. So we seem to have much in common. 🙂 Those games can certainly take up your whole life.
I’d love to email with you, if I have the endurance nowadays. I apologize already if haven’t got the energy to write or be in contact as much as I or you would like. Just want be honest when saying I’m physically in a very bad condition.
You radiate such a positive and caring energy; be proud of who you are and keep your head high. I’m so proud of you and how good of a person you are – never forget that. You are even so young, and still feels as if your soul and heart have an unimaginable wisdom for your years. Again, love, hugs and take care for now. 🙂 And hoping to hear from you soon via email, or vice versa.
My email is pete.finnila@netti.fi
Pete,
Having chest pains, however sharp, can really do a number on one’s mental wellbeing, as the unpredictability of their occurrences will often lead them to believe they’ll probably die at any time. In a way, it’s very liberating. I’ve read your letter in its entirety. This is usually where I write what I think should be done to combat your thoughts of suicide and feelings of despondency; however, I’m at a loss for words. You seem like a very levelheaded and warm person, even going so far as to motivate, encourage, and comfort those who are hurting. It’s a burden, I know, but its one that you seem to have undertaken seamlessly. Each person on this site views suicide in a completely different light. Some see it as a viable answer, while others, simply find solace in the fact that there’s a way out if the pain gets too great.
I guess what I’m trying to say, Pete, is that no one can trudge through life carrying the weight of their past mistakes, their past relationships, or even the pain they’ve inflicted on others. Doing so will undoubtedly bring the thoughts, “I’ve lived with this sickness all my life, I can’t endure it another year. My family isn’t interested in me; dying—being free of this pain, is the right choice.” I don’t have all the answers. I wish I did. I wish there was some combination of phrases I can conjure that’ll breath new life into your spirit. For what it’s worth, hearing your story has truly made me a better, more compassionate person. My grandfather once told me that helping others is similar to casting a rock into a pond. As the ripples grow outward, they affect everything on the surface. You being here, helping out people the way you did has made an impact on every visitor. Don’t feel shame at the lack of energy to continue the work. Your ripple has encouraged others to mimic a similar lifestyle. I’m proud of you.
Gabriel
Dear Pete, just wanted to send you love. I have been sick for years and I understand the overbearingness of it. Also.. Everytime I have ever felt like I can’t go on, I think of the grey ships and wish I could go on them. Have never met anyone else who shares this thought. Much love xxxx
Hi, i just wanted to say that i have been reading your posts for a while and think you seem really cool. I hope you don’t commit suicide. Have the doctors had any luck figuring out what your disease is? Are the doctors sure it is terminal?
I saw a show on the science channel where they talked about a women with an unknown disease and all of her doctors thought she was going to die, but once they figured out what she had she got better.
If you feel like you are about to commit suicide and don’t want to you can always call a suicide prevention hotline, or go to a emergency room, emergency rooms can also offer emergency psychiatric help.
I really hope you tell you family or friends how close you feel to committing suicide so they can offer help. Can you tell me where you live? I feel like i’ve seen you in real life before.
Anyway, thanks for being such an awesome guy.