Today I finally had enough spare money left over to finally be able to afford a specific tool set to repair my electric scooter wheel/motor.

I got a roof over my head, I got food in the fridge and in my belly, I’m connected to my siblings again, I got shoes without holes, I’m 3+ months sober, I got a job, I got over $600 in my bank account.

Life is good, I am slowly rebuilding my life everyday.

There’s nothing […]

I gave myself 25 years. Turning 26 on the 18th. That was one of the bigger motivators when I was actually going to go through with it. That, flunking, failing my internship and just general mental and physical stress were the perfect combo. Don’t ever think things will line up that well again. I’m sure that’s not true. Suffering is a cycle. Then something came up and I had to pivot. Probably going to be sticking around MA for the winter. That really blows. I’ve talked to my parents more recently. I assured them […]

sometimes it is just too late isn’t it? my social skills can’t be salvaged, so employability is in the gutter. i already knew that. i really want to confide in someone, i want the ability to, it’s like a superpower to me. i wish there were more websites like this, i can’t seem to find anything else apart from the popular one that’s been in the news.

i wish i could telepathically communicate my ideas to people, i can’t get over my barriers. i would be okay with not saying a word for the rest of my life if i could. i have been asleep for years. what’s […]

All the reaction I get is if I point out that the American middle class is disappearing, which is like pointing out that water is wet. come on, gotta keep the fingers in typing shape, voices in talking shape in case something worth talking about comes around right?

If you all went out and got active social lives not being on here, by all means tell us about it.

Geez, don’t make a fella beg. Ever since losing my spot at the agency, and getting sick, I don’t have folk to listen to, to unpack their problems for, and I’m kinda undefinied without it. I need problems […]

There are days I think I will just take the rest of my meds and see what happens. So many changes. Impulse control is always an issue. Anyway hello everyone.

‘ Have you got a light?” is the title of this post. The layout has changed and I can’t write in the title box.rant over.

I was at a wedding. I don’t drink but considering the day that was in it, I decided to drink. I got a pint of Coors light at the bar. It’s a pretty good beer Coors slight, a cool crisp taste and keeps it head until you reach the bottom of the glass. My mentality was now that I had one pint I might as well have a second, now that I had a second I might as well have a […]

This has been at least a week with this head cold, and I’m still trying to work it like I’m not

it occurs to me that usually I’m the one in control. Getting sick doesn’t usually happen to me, in the normal course of events. I’ve usually got everything in a chokehold, my immune system is on the list. I must be in quite a situation to have gotten this low. I’m really pissed at the ex job right now. What did I go through retraining for eh? What was the point of all that? I’m too nice to everbody in this world, that’s a certified […]

This evening, I found myself regretful. I wish I could start my life over, retaining all the knowledge I have now. I have made choices that are permanent. And all I can do now is to try to live with that and make the best of what’s left. Suicide still flirts with me and whispers sweet nothings into my ear when I’m alone at night. For the most part I ignore it. But it’s there.

Just venting.

The hours tick by and all it does is turn dim thoughts in my head into neon signs that I can’t look away from. Reality, I guess. Myself.

I don’t know how I have the audacity to continue being alive. Knowing, despite the effort I do put in, it’s not really enough. And that I’m too pathetic to put any more in. So I sit here, being a god damn parasite to everything. Everyone. All I do is suck the life out of people. Burden good people more than they’re already burdened. I don’t know how they can even look at me, much less include me […]

I’ve managed it every year for almost the past 3 years—disappearing and pushing everyone away. I thought that I was starting to feel a sense of normalcy again these past 3-5 months, but all of that hope for betterment came crashing down when I—once again—became involved with my ex girlfriend.

We had a terrible relationship for almost 2 years and it was—undeniably—because of me. I believe I’m a narcissist, so I feel like it’s necessary to state that I was in the victim in no shape or form. I remember some of her exact words to me were that “[I] ruined [her] innocence” and made her […]

In recent times I’ve felt a burning anger and hatred towards things that would previously make upset or sad. I used to get depressed when I walked around campus and saw couples holding hands and kissing in the hallways or when I saw friends laughing and having fun together at lunch. Now, I feel nothing but rage.

I hate them for having what I’ve never been able to have. I hate them for enjoying their youth while I can’t. I hate them because their lives are going well while mine is shit.

This year, I’ve been trying to improve myself socially. I smile at people, I say […]

I’ve found myself back here again, curled in on myself, stuck in this tiny crevice of despair. For so long I was doing better, but it’s all gone back to the way things were before.

well, “better” is an overstatement. All I was truly doing in that time was chasing relief. I’d go from one coping mechanism to the next. Maybe I’d get a few hours of relief,  a few days, then the pain would go back, and I’d have to find a new way. Therapy, medication, cutting, binging—whatever, it was all futile. I am so tired now. Physically and mentally I cannot continue the chase. […]

Why am I still here is the question I asked my myself often. Why can’t I just disappear forever. I hate myself. I always hurt people around me and not matter what I do, I am never successful at anything in life. I lost all my friends, I lost my family. I’m feel alone and tired and most of all useless. Why do I have to feel this way all the time. I pray for God to help me but maybe God doesn’t even care about me. I am tired and I just want a long rest.

I’m just a plain, dull 40 year old man, which sucks, but I have a strong work ethic and I’m still relatively healthy and strong.

But my work ethic is being demolished at my job by one person.  It’s a full time job I’ve had for 18 years (8 years in my current department) and I’ve been full time since 2023.

I was warned by many senior employees about her.  How nasty and toxic she is.  How she will say she does EVERYTHING and will “stab me in the back.”

So she got transferred to my store and all the warnings people said to me about her are […]

Back from Thanksgiving with my friends, after Thanksgiving with the folks, and I’m lucky and I know it to have two groups of people happy to have me for Thanksgiving. Dad played Alice’s Resteraunt by Arlo Guthrie, he knows how to sooth me. I wanted to play this one for him, didn’t get around to it. Then of course ended up talking about heavy metal with my friends.

I’m just an old cowboy these days, in Oklahoma that’s an okay kind of thing to be. Toby Keith joined the choir invisible, so did a lot of the old boys, Cash, Orbison, I could go on. Served […]

I’m so insanely lonely and desperate, my mind is fixating once again on the last time someone seemed to really care about me. It was so long ago. I suppose it’s that she was the last person to give me a sense that she saw something really worthwhile in me. Like I was actually valuable. Like who I was had some significance, independent of the roles I play in the lives of others. Like she actually really liked me for me, and wanted to be close to me. I miss that feeling, so fucking much. I can’t imagine ever feeling it again.

And my mind clings […]

I dont believe in this stuff, but I find it fascinating what human beings do privately. (Video enclosed) The real story though is that someone who I know is a Gardnerian pissed me off. And I know they like keeping these things secret, away from prying eyes. Thanks to people who broke oaths though, this info is available for anyone who knows where to look. The guy who pissed me off would rather keep it secret. So naturally, I’ve been sharing it. It’s interesting.

I’m in school, spending more on tuition than I should, trying to get a degree that will let me get a job so I can make money so I can… I don’t know. Die happy? Retire? Help my community? To be fair, those sound appealing, but they’re not worth the pain I’m going through right now. I guess what really kept me going was just trying not to disappoint people. It’s too late now. I’m failing classes and I don’t see a way out. They tell me to get a job and try for internships and all that, but how can I when I don’t […]

Thank you to admin,

I’ve used The Suicide Project since around the age of 18 years of age and have found a place of hope. I’ve volunteered for websites, have found meaning in life, etc. To anyone that’s been through abuse I know it’s hard and have first and foremost seen how it’s lead to nicotine addiction in my case. 988 is an awesome nonjudgmental hotline for anyone that is experiencing mental health issues. If you’re someone who has a suicidal friend make sure to let them know they’re loved before referring them to 988 or the police. Do not dismiss those who feel suicidal.

Thank you,

i’m back to coping, music like this will be with me. puts my mind to sleep for a month or so.