It’s sad when I let myself think about it. I know it’s my fault. People leave me a lot, some in kinder ways than others. Friends that just started ignoring me, my best friend of four years who spilled part of a really important secret that I would have killed myself over had I not been able to convince my parents otherwise. But I push people away too. Honestly, it’s probably better for them that way. I don’t want to be more of a burden, and I always seem to end up hurting people. I know I don’t deserve friends, but it still hurts. I […]
That can seize one in the evening, the evening edging towards night. When one remembers the horror of saying something really stupid, ridiculously fucking stupid ,cringe worthy fucking stupid , earlier in the day. I’ve said and done ridiculous things. The fucking worst being an episode of weeping. Public weeping. I had to stand in front of the class at the age of 8 I can’t remember what exactly for it was something like you had make up something in front of the class, entertain the class or something and I started crying, in front of a class of 24 other boys and the teacher. […]
Some people are fake. Some people are almost programmed to be in a certain way and do only certain things, they can’t get out of their limited ways and it sucks. I am genuine and free but I don’t know what to do. Maybe people have to be prisoners and similar to animals because this might be the default mode on this planet. Maybe the things I desire are not possible right now.
I start my job tomorrow. Lined up at the exact start of the month. So my 6 month contract is over as soon as it rolls over to June. Didn’t do much this weekend. Bought groceries and played magic at a card shop. I don’t think I’m nervous. Not about the job exactly. I am nervous that I’ll fail at even this. So I guess I am nervous in a way. If I fail at this, that’s it. I have to kill myself at that point. This is the lowest level that is somewhat […]
I asked google AI if there are any great philosophers who fully embrace optimism and it insisted yes. But it listed names who are absolutely NOT optimistic. The dumbass thing tried to tell me Nietszche was an optimist. I’m sure it’s just programmed to act all chipper on the subject of suicide due to all the lawsuits when it tells the truth.
At any rate, I’m looking to read any philosophical book (fiction preferred) that you think encapsulates existence. Bonus points if it isn’t bleak as hell. But if any philosophical work speaks to you, or helps you in any way, suggest it here.
My 2 go-tos […]
I thought I would be the type of person who would leave if a situation got toxic.
I was wrong.
My therapist told me that when i feel like I’m slipping i need to write 5 things that I’m thankful for for that day. So here it is:
1. I’m so thankful for my sobriety. I’m thankful that no matter what I’m going through i never have to judge the severity of it with the type of liquor i buy. Thankful to never drunk drive again. I’m thankful that I never have to disappoint my parents by turning up to the family function acting a fool because I’m drunk and they don’t know it. Thankful that I don’t have it rely on being drunk to be […]
Complicated is a good word for my family dynamic. I’m the middle child, with an older brother and a younger sister. Despite being the golden child, my sister isn’t so bad. My brother on the other hand, is. There’s too many incidents to list them all, but I’ll name a few:
when my sister and I were younger, he would stick needles into nerf gun bullets and threaten us with them. He threw a fork at me that ended up hitting me in the eye. (luckily, I only got a mild scratch and can still see) He’s beaten me with a chair. He’s tried to kill […]
Moved into my place yesterday. Didn’t realize it was in the backyard of some older couple’s house. It’s out in the boonies. Same with the warehouse I’m working at. Honestly it’s the perfect size for me. One room with a small kitchen and a tiny bathroom. I never needed a lot. One thing that I don’t like is that it’s on the second floor and the stairs are right there by the room. No door separating them. I always feel like I’m going to trip and fall. Break my neck. Can’t afford to get […]
I wish I could disappear so badly. I’m destroying myself, but I can’t stop, and I want to die more than anything else. I’m drowning in everything I have to do. I have an essay to write, two projects to do, four songs to learn for honors orchestra, science olympiad, theater, Girl Scouts, horseback riding, a million animal or regular chores, and violin lessons. On top of that, my father keeps nagging me about applications, but I don’t want to live long enough to get to high school anymore. The deadlines and the walls are closing in. I’ve acted strong for years, but I can’t […]
Chime here if you don’t have family or have a bad family.
So I had the interview on Monday, no word back yet, I honestly don’t know what the answer will be, but today I started to ask myself what I wanted the answer to be. I realized what I was really praying for, hoping for, having faith for was for them to say no.
It shocked me a bit. Yet I don’t think it’s the right place for me to go, to a detention environment for young people. The sacrifices it will require, not just from me, but from my family, I don’t want to put everyone through that. I know the money is good, and the […]
I move on Friday. Clothes are packed. Have way too much even after leaving some here. Just taking one suitcase worth. Don’t know why I have so many shirts when I wear the same one several days in a row. Going to clean up my PC and take the graphics card out tomorrow. Pack it up. Keep forgetting about shit like kitchenware and towels. I wish I was more mobile. It doesn’t seem like it, but I have a lot of shit. Or I guess people in general need a lot of shit.
I […]
Usually I think of a title for these, but for the past few posts I’ve left them blank. Don’t have any good ideas. I feel like I’ve flooded the site with all my posts for the past month or two. But besides that the site has been kinda dead. So why not? I treat this place more like a journal than a place to get comfort or advice. I mean those are nice and I do check for comments often, but for the most part it’s just a tool to help me dissect my thoughts. Been doing it […]
I have an interview on Monday, they contacted me very quickly which indicates that they wish to fill the job very desperately. Frankly, this is the kind of job that is prone to hire me. I don’t often get hired by companies that are patient, though this is a government entity. I moved quickly to get what they asked of me; a social security card and three references. Though because my social security card is lost, I had to get a receipt and will be giving them the real thing when it arrives…. details unimportant probably.
Getting the references led to a wave of tragedy, I […]
antidepressants have been helpful in keeping me alive, unfortunately a side effect of mine is loss of concentration and it’s starting to annoy me, forming my thoughts takes way too long. but regardless, i still want to live, i’ve tried calling my surgery a few times for an appointment to increase my meds. they keep telling me to call at a different time or try again later because there are no slots available. it’s really frustrating, i feel my heartbeat slowing, lungs fill irregularly. i feel like i could sink into my bed for days.
it’s so stupid that i’ve been ruminating on a method for […]
I recently remembered a “thought experiment” I had in my freshman year of high school. I asked my biology teacher if he’d rather live one more day but get to do everything he wants to do. No rules. Or if he’d rather continue living doing what he’s doing now. Of course he picked the safest answer. I was always doing that sort of thing in high school. Giving stupid hypotheticals. This particular hypothetical just reminded of my situation. Back then the main reason I was depressed was because I saw no point to life. As I […]
Got some awful news today. That shitty technician job came back bugging me if I wanted it or not. I thought they moved on so I agreed to say yes. I don’t want it. I simply do not want it. But I need a job. This is what I’m talking about when I say why bother with the the stuff you have to do. It comes off as childish, but if I don’t want to do it why should I? If I knew for sure that this was going to lead me to what I want, […]
Genuinely, the only source of extreme unhappiness I receive is through living with my parents and interacting with them. I have never had the displeasure of being insulted and criticized as much by anyone other than my parents. I hate having an extreme MAGA alcoholic dad whose entire personality revolves around Trump worship and a boomer view on the world. My mom says she wants to break up with him but then does nothing and actively pretends to be fine around him. Speaking of my mom, the other day she told me she wanted to slap me in the face because I was […]