I found myself and it feels so good to be human again. I’m not afraid to feel anymore.

I didn’t want to confront the pain all these years.

I found truth and love in my own personal hell. I didn’t think I was worthy of it but complete strangers saved me when I was at my lowest point in life.

I remember all their kind deeds. Some might claim their actions weren’t all that helpful but to me, those actions and their words meant everything to me.

And now I’m here at my new job after having lost over 36 of them. I find that I’m not afraid to […]

While dreaming, upon coming face to face with a former childhood friend, I apologise for being like the person who hurt her, the one who messed her up. I repeat multiple times that I wish I wasn’t what I am. At least in that moment, I think I meant it. I honestly repent of who I am and what I’ve done. But there’s no going back, there’s no undoing what’s been done, so…

Except now, I’m suddenly lying face down, and the bed drops out from beneath me. And I’m falling, fast. It’s kind of exhilarating, almost like flying. And the thought fills me that maybe […]

Organs nearly taken from living man

~3min

1- NEVER just blindly trust a dr or nurse- hospitals and drs and staff lie to patients ALL the time. Either they intentionally lie, or they’re just incompetent AF. And 100% don’t care.
2- It’s not like drs are ever wrong, are they? *sarcasm*
3- The ENTIRE staff (slews of drs and nurses and attendants) just flat out IGNORED the “brain-dead” guy thrashing around and trying to push ppl’s hands away from cutting him open. JFC.
4- Sure the hospital staff was either evil or stupid af, or both, but NO ONE is blaming the […]

Oh but I WOULD.

People who say that haven’t been screwed enough by someone.

I had another therapy session with my psychiatrist. I basically told him all the stuff I say on here. Pretty much verbatim. He did say that my suicidal ideation is just a weird defense mechanism. A way to “calm” myself because thinking it means I always have an escape exit. An escape exit I never take, but still an escape exit. This is pretty accurate. If that wasn’t the case there wouldn’t be 8+ years worth of posts on here from me. There would be like 1 or 2 and I would be in the ground. […]

Oh city to which I was not born, and to which I never belonged

Oh city which never had place for me, always found new ways to charm and decieve me

Oh city, you are the city I both love and hate the most, and perhaps will always be

Oh city, which hates children so

Oh city, which hates the elderly so

Oh city, which hates the homeless so

Oh  city, who pities the rich, prosperous and Christian

I should have been your favorite, but I suppose I reminded you of what you despised.

Oh city, which provided for my mental health

Oh city, which once offered so much in terms of hope and […]

Does anyone else not necessarily have much concern for things like family, having a family, getting a significant other in whatever sense, and possibly maybe even friends in the traditional way? Not necessarily fervently avoiding them outright (although due to various things I guess you could say I am), and still having interactions with people whenever necessary, convenient or maybe even pleasant (depending on what counts as those things for you all), but really just not seeing the point of bonds that overstay their welcome, or usually turn out to be sour/regrettable, all of that stuff.

Of course, I wouldn’t say that healthy relationships aren’t possible […]

Two people I thought were dead, about two or three months ago, around the time I really came unglued. One online, the other my oldest friend……….. that is incredibly sad to me. That she’s my oldest friend, because ten years is small potatoes in the world of friendship. Thirteen years, and she’s one of the only people I’ve ever loved nearly unconditionally. All the friends older than her are either dead, out of state or pretending they never knew me these days.

Today at lunch I found out she was still alive, but barely, and it’s always barely. She has a heart defect, genetics are cruel. […]

I’ve thought before that part of my struggles in life might have to do with blood pressure. My dad has high blood pressure. I’ve been diagnosed with it, once. I’m on medication to control it. It happens to be also for sleep and ADHD.

Last night I took a shower, first time in a week which isn’t bad I have an office job. But the blood pressure drop after…. it lasted. It kept going until the next day, today. There was only so far I could get my blood pressure up today. It was like a speed limit. I know there was a beats per minute […]

I only get on here when things get really bad and surprise things are really bad again. I feel safe on here hiding behind a screen. Strangers telling me it’s going to be alright but I know it’s not. 23 feels so young but i feel like I’ve lived a lifetime and a half.

Today i was driving to work and though one small turn of the wheel and I wouldn’t feel pain anymore. But I can’t leave my cats. That’s stupid isn’t it? Staying alive for cats. My therapist says anything that keeps you alive isn’t stupid but i beg to differ.

Being in this relationship […]

Not one thing went right today. It’s kind of hilarious in a way. I don’t know where I picked this up from, but I remember hearing once that a certain part of comedy is watching something that’s not supposed to happen. A system failing. Like when you watch a person fall over. It’s not supposed to happen, but you saw it happen and that makes it funny. I think that’s why I’ve only been able to see all this as funny. It’s getting worse and I’m not sure how long I can find this funny.

Lately I’ve had this song stuck in my head, which is kind of impressive for me since I collect catchy songs;

I’ve been realizing I can’t spend my life reliving college. I have no idea where this song came from in my life since it came out before I was born in 1985. My parents didn’t particularly listen to Bruce Springsteen. My best guess is summer camp, we listened to a lot of cheesy Americana back then.

Anyway it sat half remembered in the back of my brain until last week. I was watching Bruce belt out one of my all time favorites Cadillac Ranch. He was […]

ohoy ig, I probably shouldn’t be doing this here but I feel safer here so apologies.

My favorite person, some who I have been able to connect to the most irl is leaving, we probably wont see each other ever again after this year and i don’t want that, i was not feeling terrible about myself and the world with them and if he leaves what do I do, think probably and thinking is bad, doing maths and physics wont take my mind off whatever it has been wanting to say “nihilism is back” and the “my life is a video game” wont work since I […]

I go back through my old posts every now and again to see where I was. Sometimes my problems seem so trivial and other times I remember the deep sadness I had back then. One post I made when I was around 17 I think mentioned that I don’t see myself living past 25. So that number has been in my head for sometime. I guess I just thought it was a good stopping point. I don’t turn 26 until December. There is still time to make good on my promise. Maybe failing this semester will give me […]

Not to complain, but this site has been feeling pretty slow lately (could’ve used a stronger word)…it’s unfortunate, I’ve been coming here off and on for years (under other names)…but I see few people reply any more to posts…it’s too bad.

In some ways I feel the most ‘real’ here…sometimes I say things on SP that I wouldn’t say to those close to me.

I also get the sense that sometimes some people might feel slighted by something you might’ve said, or they get bored with your story and don’t reply any more…it’d be ok if there was a larger group here…I’m not looking to make friendships […]

Is it better to be intensely depressed and hateful of people and hateful of this world, or is it better to cut off all your emotions and feel apathy?

Go ahead- Name something “good” about this shitty world. What have you come up with?

Almost everything “nice” or “good” you can think of generally requires someone to have money to be able to enjoy it- even a “nice walk” in nature. If you live in a shitty neighborhood, there’s no “nice walk.” It’s all garbage and crap around you. ESP where I am currently. And ESP if you live in the city. Trust me, if there were nice areas nearby for me to walk, I would be out more often instead of holed up inside this shithole.

There’s good food, […]

Americans LOVE to blame EVERYTHING on drugs, or alcohol, or video games, or whatever easier thing it is to blame. People do drugs BECAUSE their lives are broken, BECAUSE they feel depressed, NOT the other way around. I mean sure, there are a few who are sane/happy who try it and can’t stop. But most who do drugs do them BECAUSE they are unhappy or have some issues with life, and drugs help them cope/escape.

It’s so annoying and disgusting to see the general populace just brush everything aside like, “oh these ppl are just addicts, and everything is their fault.” Just […]