I have an interview on Monday, they contacted me very quickly which indicates that they wish to fill the job very desperately. Frankly, this is the kind of job that is prone to hire me. I don’t often get hired by companies that are patient, though this is a government entity. I moved quickly to get what they asked of me; a social security card and three references. Though because my social security card is lost, I had to get a receipt and will be giving them the real thing when it arrives…. details unimportant probably.

Getting the references led to a wave of tragedy, I […]

antidepressants have been helpful in keeping me alive, unfortunately a side effect of mine is loss of concentration and it’s starting to annoy me, forming my thoughts takes way too long. but regardless, i still want to live, i’ve tried calling my surgery a few times for an appointment to increase my meds. they keep telling me to call at a different time or try again later because there are no slots available. it’s really frustrating, i feel my heartbeat slowing, lungs fill irregularly. i feel like i could sink into my bed for days.

it’s so stupid that i’ve been ruminating on a method for […]

I recently remembered a “thought experiment” I had in my freshman year of high school. I asked my biology teacher if he’d rather live one more day but get to do everything he wants to do. No rules. Or if he’d rather continue living doing what he’s doing now. Of course he picked the safest answer. I was always doing that sort of thing in high school. Giving stupid hypotheticals. This particular hypothetical just reminded of my situation. Back then the main reason I was depressed was because I saw no point to life. As I […]

Got some awful news today. That shitty technician job came back bugging me if I wanted it or not. I thought they moved on so I agreed to say yes. I don’t want it. I simply do not want it. But I need a job. This is what I’m talking about when I say why bother with the the stuff you have to do. It comes off as childish, but if I don’t want to do it why should I? If I knew for sure that this was going to lead me to what I want, […]

Genuinely, the only source of extreme unhappiness I receive is through living with my parents and interacting with them. I have never had the displeasure of being insulted and criticized as much by anyone other than my parents. I hate having an extreme MAGA alcoholic dad whose entire personality revolves around Trump worship and a boomer view on the world. My mom says she wants to break up with him but then does nothing and actively pretends to be fine around him. Speaking of my mom, the other day she told me she wanted to slap me in the face because I was […]

Still here. Unfortunately. Days are getting by better, but I’m not exactly happy about it. Got a toothache where a filling was done a month or so ago. Don’t know if the filling is cracked or if I got another cavity in the same place. Either way it’s bad so I’m going to the dentist Thursday. Can you believe that’s the most exciting thing that’s happened to me in the past few days? November is half way done and I’m still living with my fucking parents. Wonderful.

Followed up that shitty company that wants me to […]

I was dealing with a very jealous woman. I was puffing on a reefer of particularly choice weed, having tea, with Led Zeppelin live at earls court 1975 on the flat screen in the living room, not to take anything away from the great Zeppelin my favourite musical act but if there was ever an act that could be described as ‘ marijuana smoking music’ these guys take the trophy even above Pink Floyd my second favourite act. one has to  enjoy himself while he can, you could wake up tomorrow paralyzed from the neck down, that would be the way I see things. She […]

I write an entry maybe once every other day. I’ve needed to because I just don’t have anything else going on in my life. School kept me busy. A job would probably do the same if I could get one. But I just don’t care about any of it. Every time I think about killing myself, it’s so matter of fact. Like I’m thinking of calling in sick cause I don’t want to go somewhere. I guess killing yourself because you don’t want to deal with the things that come with life is pretty childish. But I’m […]

School is humbling me. Ive very quickly discovered that im not as intelligent as I thought I was. I have good grades, for now. But this one class Im taking is just so, so difficult. I dont believe ill be passing with an A, maybe not even a B. The lowest I coukd get in this class is a 77. I have an 92 right now, but god, this class has been taking a lot out of me mentally. My motivation just isnt there, and its likely my grade will drop in the coming weeks.

Have any of you made it into 4 year univerisities with […]

Are you lonely? Does it bother you? If yes then what do you do to not feel lonely?

A lot of people say that nobody really knows what they’re doing and they’re all just trying to get by. I’ve said that before to some people. But I really really don’t know what I’m doing. I have these degrees don’t really mean anything. Couldn’t tell you a single fucking thing I learned. And I haven’t really kept up with anything either. Like study my old notes I lazily downloaded from canvas. So basically I’m unemployable. I already knew this but when I choked on that interview test a month ago, it really put the nail in […]

I don’t know if the higher dosage of my depression meds have kicked in or I’ve gotten over my latest round of rejections, but I’m not feeling as bad as I was last week. Not amazing, but not bad either. Just kinda middling. But the thing is I don’t really want to get better. Life is full of ups and downs. I get that. But I just want off the ride. It’s why I pushed myself so hard last year to kill myself. And the ups and downs don’t change the fact that I’m an unemployable dumb-ass […]

it’s been a complicated time honestly. a few good things and a few stressful ones

for one, i found a job! started on oct 1st. it’s been going alright, coworkers are pretty nice and it’s a good atmosphere i think. it’s been pretty challenging though, i can’t lie. every day is a bit hard, but i’m kinda getting into the rhythm of it i guess. so, all good there!!

on the other hand, october tends to be a kind of shitty month for me lol. not a big fan of my birthday, so i always end up dreading it before and ruminating about it for the remainder […]

I had the most pointless psychiatric appointment today. I decided to be upfront about my depression and suicidal ideations. Didn’t see any point in not doing so. It was what he was being paid for. But I forgot how pointless it was to tell him. Got the usual spiel. Have you tried taking a break? Exercise regularly? Would it help to increase the dosage? Pointless. Apparently he’s going to send me a list of therapists as well. I thought I was paying extra so he could do psychotherapy as well. I guess he […]

How accurate are the psychiatrists when they can’t even distinguish between a real patient and one that is normal?

So many people get misdiagnosed ALL the time. Like worse than the weatherman in the 90s (when the forecasts were just as likely to NOT occur than did).

Well I turned down the job offer from that defense start up. I kept putting it off because it was the first job offer I got from a legit engineering company. It hurt. But I’m not going to help create a system meant for killing people. Especially not for the Trump administration. Now I probably won’t get lucky again for another 4+ months. I hate this. I think the scariest thing is maybe if I didn’t turn it down and ended up working for them, I wouldn’t feel anything about what I did. I clearly have a […]

Why do we have to use drugs, which have bad side effects, because reality sucks? If reality was great, we wouldn’t need these things.

Today was my father’s birthday. All we did was go out to eat and have a cake my mom made. He doesn’t need a whole lot. It was my family and my Grandma. Once we had the cake and my grandma was ready to leave to go home, she gave me this bookmark with a prayer on it. Prayer to St. Anthony. She’s a devout Catholic. People have been treating me different lately. I don’t ever feel the need to fake being happy when I’m clearly not, so people can tell when something is “wrong” with me. […]

Am I suicidal?

I have so much control over my self harm impulses. Monday I was put to the test by the job market, and I don’t know if I like how it came out, but because I have people to care for the self harm and suicidal impulses lost. However I came out without hurting myself, at least physically. I beat myself up a significantly emotionally and mentally, not that anyone apart from my care team cares.

Here’s the deal; I’m supposed to be this talented, skilled and intellectually capable somewhat young person, willing to work and all the things that society says should be able […]

I just don’t have anymore motivation to apply for jobs. I already didn’t want to go into industry, now I’m not even welcome there. Originally I didn’t think it would be too difficult to find some mid company to work for and do the bare minimum for. I have these moments of arrogance that go completely against my extreme lack of self confidence. I get the crippling anxiety that comes with no confidence with the shortsightedness of my arrogance. There are literally no companies that I find interesting to work for. They all just blend together saying and doing […]