I’m so sick of being this. I hate being “me”. And yet I’m so attached to it, so stuck in my ways. I’m so full of hatred and resentment. I resent anyone with a happy life. Anyone who’s better than me. Anyone that gets to exist without this stuff going round and round in their head. But really, deep down, I just want to not feel this anymore. To be free of it.

But there is no freedom. Freedom would be non-existence. To let go of this self, with all its shame, fear, regret, longing, and return to the earth. And I’m not ready for that […]

If you don’t have friends, this won’t happen to you O_o

~3min

Here’s something cute:

~15s

All is well, I’ve found ways to save myself.

I kinda haven’t shared in awhile, haven’t felt valid given that in the grand scheme of things life is “good”, whatever that means. Like I vent a small bit here and there, but I haven’t talked to anyone about what’s actually in my head. Everyone in my real life thinks things are ticking along as planned, and they are, that’s what it’s supposed to look like.

but I still have feelings, unserved thoughts, unserved desires. I really don’t identify with other people…… the isolation is more stark being around people all day every day. Being alone all day again today it’s like, oh yeah, nice to […]

Was by not ending my life at 15. Sure there were some good times here and there but not enough warrant the daily struggle the suicidal character endures. Even the highest peak of pleasure known to man, that is – sex with a 10 still could not get suicide of my mind. I remember that encounter viv1idly. Years ago I was living briefly in South America. One night I got talking to an amigo   “,Amigo  marijuana no” i said whilst dropping voice low. “Si amigo” said the amigo he continued with “I know a place where the gir bls are like models  sexmassage you shoyld […]

I have more than a few reasons to believe I am neurodiverse with characteristics of ADHD and asperger tnedencies. But is it really so? Although focus is fickle and discipline feels somewhat defective, is this really reason? Are these traits not titles I may don in an effort to define myself and fulfill a want of authentic uniqueness?

Or is it simply a hard fact (theoretical for now). What If I have a brain/nervous system that has a reduced capacity to generate enough electric potential? To activate enough cells to achieve said concentration or power of will takes more resources than my biology can […]

Depression, sorrow, sadness, whatever you want to call it, depression and Apathy have gotten the best of me, I no longer want anything or feel anything, I hate life more than I have ever hated it before, the want to live keeps drifting with every passing moment. I pray to a god that I don’t believe in to take my life every night before I wake up. Then when my eyes open I am even more disappointed in the universe. Fuck this place, I find it very hard not to kill myself everyday.

A lot on my mind. Trying to organize it all, but I don’t think I’ll be able to get out everything. I never really do. It was a brutal first week. But not in the way I expected. The commute is the worse by far. Get up at 5 get to the office at 8:15 leave at 5:15 and get home at 8. Going to rent a car for this week. It will cut that commute in half easy. The job itself was actually not too bad. Best one of these I’ve had so far. […]

Well here’s a chuckle:

It’s been days since I joined the Suicide Project. During this time, I reconnected with my so-called friends, and we resolved our conflicts. We’re on good terms now.

However, my interactions with people around me continue to be problematic. I fear this might also happen with my friends. It’s frustrating to navigate friendships in college. I perceive many people as self-absorbed, hurtful, and selfish. They seem oblivious to how their actions affect others.

In my imagination, I envision them lined up, each with their hearts ripped out, similar to a scene from a movie. While I don’t actually want to harm them, I feel […]

I’m scared that it won’t ever go away – that I’ll feel like this until the end of time. It’s started wearing down what little of me there is left. Even on a good day it’s not far from my mind, and the good days are getting further and further apart.

I just feel alone. Completely and utterly. And I can’t even let anyone in, because they’d just leave. Or be dragged down with me, and that’s worse. I have to keep such a distance from everyone. Everything. So I’ve been alone. So… alone. I feel hopeless. And weak. Cowardly. I’m a failure for letting myself […]

I’m still so far from a life that would feel meaningful. Or even doing anything tangible to pursue such a life. Or even maintaining a stable enough mental/emotional state to be capable of planning anything tangible.

All I can bring myself to attempt right now is to reduce the frequency at which I self-destruct. To resist the urge to do something completely counterproductive, just to allow me to briefly feel something that isn’t this. For some kind of distraction from this gnawing banal emptiness where a life should be.

And I fear that may be the most I can ever manage – to slow the rate at […]

Isn’t it a complete waste of MILLIONS of lives to have so many ppl depressed/jaded about life/dejected about everything? Well except the government/corporations would like it that way- if ppl are depressed, we aren’t striking/rioting/organizing/demanding change. People who are inactive aren’t a threat to the powers that be. Medical Industrial Complex being one of them.

Anyhow, from an individual POV, depression is such a waste. How many of us would be so productive if we weren’t depressed? If we didn’t feel shit about the world or our lives?

I feel like I’m typing into the void- sure a few ppl are […]

I’m a bit angry about it, but I did it to stop burdening family.
All they see is a grown up unable to put down games to take care of life’s responsibilities.
So I told them I’ll just delete all of it. Partially wanted all the talk of being unable to last a day without playing games to stop, partially was tired of all the grief I’d been getting about those same things over and over again.
So it’s been done.

Dunno if I will regret this choice, but I lost my game files before and had to start over, so honestly it doesn’t […]

most of the time i hate myself too much to believe i can truly love back, but sometimes it feels nice to try

I was finally out of a depressive episode and am not actively looking to die, and now I feel myself spiraling down again. The past few days were so nice, and I was so happy, and motivated. I talked to people, went outside, kept on top of all my schoolwork, and made time my hobbies and even got to enjoy that time spent. It was just so much easier, and I had energy to actually do stuff. But now I feel myself getting dragged down into the depths again, and I’m just so scared. I’ve never been this scared before to sink back down into […]

School ended two weeks ago. Barely passed the one class I was in and didn’t hit my goals for my thesis. Fairly predictable outcome. I got to go home for a week which is nice. I always get short tempered when I’m around my family. I just got so used to being on my own that having to plan around other people gets annoying. I really shouldn’t be though. My parents were really happy to see me again. Been almost half a year since they did. Wish I wasn’t and can be happy around them, but […]