The stuff is hidden in a drawer just waiting. Stuff I use for work so it’s not suspicious. Tonight would have been the perfect time to use it but…I don’t think I can do it. But it’s there in case I ever get the courage to go through with it. I don’t know. I was so sure this morning. Now I’m not. Maybe I’ll wait a little bit longer.

I wish I didn’t have any hope. Life has been so cruel and yet I still think maybe, maybe this time something good will actually happen to me. But no. I’m pretty sure that it will only […]

You know that character from movie or story that always make a mistakes and screwed up even at a simplest task? I’ve become that person. I don’t know why but I feel whatever choice I make or anything I do always end up wrong.

Is there any connection between my stupidity and my (self diagnosed, I haven’t go to psychologist) Bipolar Disorder?

This whole ordeal makes me think that I don’t belong here and it feels bad, that I think if I were gone, everything would be so much better without me.

i hate being alone. any1 want 2 talk?

I don’t know what i’m going to do, like I’m ready to go and I have my day set and what i’m going to do. As the day come closer, I;m excited but, also nervous. Yeah, I had many attempts but, I feel like this is going to be it. I’m not scared to go but, I’m scared for my family and friends. I don’t want this to affect anyone. This is a 50/50 thing. I know I should be thankful of my life and I do. I just don’t know what to do….

I really don’t know what to say here. I feel fucking stupid doing this. It’s all too much to explain and talk about all in one sitting. I’m seriously fucked up I guess. I can barely bring myself to type the words, let alone speak them. I am not someone who has been unhappy my whole life. This is something fairly new to me. There is this whole history of psychological abuse that has happened in recent years. It’s made me not trust anyone. I feel like I’m constantly in a dark room with no sound except my own breathing. I try to open up […]

I can still remember the day when I almost tried to kill myself.

Although it is not particularly hard to remember, based on the fact that I am reminded everyday by the pills in the medicine cabinet.

It was late in the day, most of my family decided to go out somewhere. I stayed home as usual, my mom was in her room watching TV, we ended up being the only two in the house at the time. I had already gotten the pills, in fact they were sitting on my beside table, I wasn’t doing anything but staring at them. Thinking. About everything. Friends, family, people I […]

Hush little cutter, don’t say a word

The razor isn’t going to save you from their mean words.

Put down the metal and dry your tears

Only hope can save you from this nightmare,

The words they burn into your skin.

It hurts so bad you just want it to end.

You held your head high but they knocked you down,

ashes, ashes your on the ground.

Sometimes it feels like you can’t go on,

so you sit down and sing your last song.

Look around through your blury tears,

they wanted you to do this but it’s your worst fear.

You say goodbye and cut your wrists.

All […]

I’ve found away around my pain problems, sleeping pills, i’m going to OD myself after I write a note, then again who would care my friends no longer like to talk to me, my mom and brothers have told me literally they wish I didn’t exist, and a girl that I love no longer wants to see me; I can’t stop crying. I know in my first post where I told my story I was told things would get better, I did think that but now I have nothing, I wish I could die just by wanting to die, saddly that’s not possible.

You visit me often Despair.
You leave me lonesome and desperate Despair.
You make me crave the unattainable Despair.
You make me weep because of what I want to do.
You drive me insane Despair.
I talk to the voices in my head thanks to you.
Despair…
You are my only companion,
Despair.
You leave me cold and alone at night.
Your friends, all these demons in my dreams that I fight…
You leave me for the wolves Despair.
Your words weave though my mind tainting my memories.
Your touch lingers on my skin freezing my fingers to ice.
Despair, you call on me as […]

Sorry – lot of rambling here. I just need to talk.

First, if you celebrate Yule, I hope you have a great one. If you celebrate something else, I hope that’s great for you, too.

Here’s what I encountered the other night. I was trying to make a Yule wreath, a representation of the Wheel of the Year, and had the wreath all fluffed up and ready to go. I went to the basement to get my decorations, came back up, and…..

That little fuzzball took over my wreath!!! He […]

Goodnight cutter,

your pillow is red,

you went to far and now you are dead.

No pulse in your neck not even one beat.

A note on your side, sorry for the mess.

Some simple words on your last breath.

Tears rush down they stain the floor.

All we can do now is mourn.

You got your wishes deep in the ground.

We all hope you are happy now.

Today, one of my housemates did something kind out of the blue. It wasn’t even that big, but her kindness makes me want to hurt myself. She bought me a drink from a pearl milk tea place a few blocks away and gave it to me when she got back to our apartment. It was such a small gesture of kindness and she was so casual about it. I thanked her and she went off to do her laundry, but as I sat there looking at the drink, it began to process in my head that this is the exact drink combination that I always […]

I read this wondeful tale.
I think it was of you!
But, the thing is I’m not all the way through.
Your storys getting shorter though,
It’s coming to an end!
All of your adventures just to find you cold and stiff in bed.
Yea those girls are mean but they’re just for now!
The past is in the past! Don’t reread your own book.
Look into the future it’s wild and unknown.
Scary things are coming! Exciment is to!
Suicide isn’tthe way to go turn the page and let your future unfold.

How will you remember me when I’m gone?
Will you sit down and sing my song?
It’s broken it’s bruised, it’s tattered and used.
From when I was born to when I died.
Every moment that I was alive.
It fills my tattered tune.
Confused and sad my story cut short.
Leaving me cold and stiff on the floor.

siting awake in the light of the dark

the red is black and the blue is green

this worlds fucked up

my eyes are all backwords

i ofer my self up to people to help them

and thay push me in to the dirt

i gess iv got to leren that im fucked up

i gess iv just got to lern were to stand when the bombs fall

i gess it was a good thing stoping the bleeding

the drugs and the smoking

cos the colers are right

and my dreems are reel

my light my life is real

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktJKbIHOSy4

i love you all this place a place of deth and self harm is were i grew and fownd my one love i love her and were planing are life together if your looking for a sine not to die tonight or any other if you need profe that theres hope out there well my brothers my sisters my famaly i love you we all are hope

are name is hope and i love you all

Everyone seems to always have it worse then me but I still think I am horribly suffering. I’m not. I started cutting when I was 10. I was really going throuhh sone rough times. My brother had touched me umm around 8 years old. My dad has always had anger issuses and it would always seem to be about money. He left when I was 13. My mom is disabled with MS so she had horrible time caring for me, my brother and three sisters and because of this I went to live with my horriible Aunt. By now I was 14 and now […]

Well, I don’t I don’t know why I do what I do. I find the pleasure in carving my arms. I’m not suicidal. I have no desire to die this young. I have an average family. I mean sometimes I feel they forget about me, being the middle child, but it could be worse. But I still do it. Does anyone else do it just to do it?

I live in the USA.  I have a Bachelor’s and a Master’s degree in Computer Science.  Over the twenty-five years I have worked as software engineer, I have been laid off and replaced by lower cost H-1B visa employees six times.  I have found no work after my last lay off.  I live in a country where anyone who is not a millionaire is treated like garbage.  Any STEM employee over 50 is considered too expensive to employ, as employers can bring in an unlimited number of foreign workers on H-1B visas who are under 35 and have lower health insurance costs.  Why continue to […]

I can’t answer that question clearly. Counselors have asked but I never had a reasonable or “good” response. It’s hard to explain to most people that you’ve never been loved or cared for. It’s hard for most people to fathom not being able to trust a living soul. Some assume that I am mentally ill and have some kind of schizophrenia because I am unable to connect with others. No, I am not mentally ill in the sense that I have some kind of problem dealing with reality. If I am considered mentally ill it would be because I have been put through the wringer […]