Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to not exist. Yes, of course I catch myself in the logic of it but haven’t you ever had a fantasy. Sometimes the soreness of my body annoys me just to the point of wishing I didn’t have it. but just being disembodied would be annoying too, just observing never able to interact. That’s when i wish i’d never been born, never been created, never been given a thought in the mind of God. Sometimes I just sit there, not even zoned out, just not even aware of the waking world to which I am pressed into […]

I decided to leave my apartment today and go downtown. Horrible idea, I just about had a breakdown on the metro. I saw a teenage girl and her mom and sister and it made me break inside a little bit, because more than anything that’s what I want. More than anything I’d want to be able to get hot chocolate with my mom and idly look around at clothes and laugh together. Honestly that’s what I want more than anything.

Too bad that’s impossible since she decided to kill herself before I had even turned five.

I feel like a heap of ugly trash that no one […]

“Just smile and be happy”

Thanks for the helpful advice. My bipolarity and depression are gone now.

i need to get over with the emptiness somehow….

I had a violent car accident this night. The car was up on his side, i got out through the window – i think, i don’t actually know. I got out. It was my fault, ambulance came, and shit. After all the voices, the mess, the silence, the discussion, one thought only is in me, i want to share it with you.

After death there’s only what there was before it, but without you’re eyes watching.

A picture does not always have a meaning that goes beyond the simple watching; the same should be for life.

The meaning of life is therefore to keep watching, so to oppose to […]

Things are getting really worse, each day, each night.

I hope things will end soon but instead of acting I am just whining…

Every time I get to meet someone I get dumped, rejected, ignored, forgotten.

These days I feel worse and worse and I am so tired I could sleep all days long and drown in my tears…

I know my words are like thousands of others here and I don’t deserve more attention than someone else, so I will just stop there.

I hope I  could end this soon…

I will write to you this faithful poem, hope and peace are many things so far.

Loving, caring, praying, are the thing joyful in many ways. I see your face telling me these things, so I’ll try to do my best.

When I walk into this room, you are the one who I see, whom seems to smile, even with all the troubles running wild.

Hark the sound of angels singing, hark the sound of God! For he is always there for you and me so shall we sing, so peacefully.

I walked towards you too, seeing your face reminds me of so many thing, the hope you gave […]

I’ve recently realized that I can’t trust anyone to save me, not that I was expecting anyone to but things are more clear for me. The second you rely on someone is the moment you give them the opportunity to hurt and disappoint you. This is the fucked up world we live in, but I refuse to be a part of this messed up society..a lone wolf that’s what I am.
It’s funny because when I decide to join this facade that society continually builds I am judged and once I become a lone wolf I am still judged. FUCK THEM! I can’t force you […]

i know i should quit this job,i know its dehumanising,
but what i dont know is how to go on, without a job that seem to br the only well paid job in town, so i just sit back and keep bottling this shit,

I just decided that next time one of my subscribed charities calls me asking for more money, I’ll tell them that a recent discussion with my psychologist yielded some profound self-revalation. Actually, just one self-revalation. That I hate everyone. Yes, everyone. No, unfortunately, there are no exceptions. And I want everyone to suffer. And I’m terribly sorry, but my current donations are not conducive to the success of my new life’s work, so I’d like to cancel my current donations. Oh, you’re disappointed you won’t be able to end world hunger or free political prisoners? Well, you were wasting your time to begin with under […]

Many have felt the dreamy unreality of their lives in this world; and it is a dream, because it is separate from God. But for the dreamer, it is very real. The dreamer shadow boxes against all things that seem to hurt him, never seeing that he but attacks himself. The silent comedian plays the man in bed shooting his foot under the covers, but the dreamer plays it as a drama. Still, there is a climax in which the dreamer awakens, sees his role, and is free. Here is how the Course puts it:
“The world you see is the delusional system of those […]

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now am found

Was blind, but now I see.

It was Grace that taught my heart to fear

And Grace, my fears relieved

How precious did that Grace appear

The hour I first believed.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

Save me again, this time around

You taught me to believe.

Amazing Grace, where did you go?

You saved a wretch like me

After you’ve gone, I’ve been alone

My Grace a memory.

Amazing Grace, how sad the sound

The sound of memories

I once believed, until I found

My Grace abandoned me.

I’m nervous and I need some advice..

I decided that I should talk to my school counseling and I don’t know how it will go or what should I say..

Should I let everything out and tell them the truth? How I really feel and how much I don’t want to be alive!

My first true love, my high school sweet heart, my everything, the reason for being alive is now barely keeping me alive. I’m losing her every second of the day, I don’t know if it’s her or if it’s me but either way I’m feeling hopeless and abandon because I know she’s going to leave. Things ain’t the same I wish I could go back to when I was younger when our relationship was the best but I guess things happen for a reason, I just hope we’ll never end.

I’m an 18 year old male adult. I had a great child hood, was well off, had loving parents and family.Fast forward to today and our lucrative family business was destroyed by my uncle by over spending and not paying taxes. So we have like no money now and we have to sell our house. Now that I graduated High School I went to community college which dropped out of because I couldn’t do it. It’s not that I’m stupid it’s just that I’m not disciplined enough to study and read. Like I made an A+ in an English essay, but it fucking took forever […]

To stay on the phone with someone as they are going through with their exit plan?

I’ve been painting more.
Two people bought my artwork.
It made me happy even though I wanted to slice up my wrists.
Maybe I’ll keep painting.

I see them. The little shadows that crawl around the corner. I see the weird shapes in windows. I see it all. Maybe they are here to keep me company. Maybe they are here to help me. Maybe they are here because they know what it’s like to feel alone when people are all around. They must understand what feeling empty is like. Maybe. Maybe I’m not alone. Or maybe I am. I don’t even know. I keep thinking I want someone, because “It will make it all better” ,but that doesn’t seem to be true. It is just don’t believe that people could actually […]

So my therapist asks me today what I’m going to do when my mom is gone.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I am counting on the end.  When that happens, with any luck, I’ll be dead too.  How cowardly, though, to not be able to say what I’m thinking.  A boy ought to take pride in his plan if he indeed is dead-set on it… right?

That’s the problem; I’m not sure enough.  After suffering for many more years, I could be too weak to do it.  After all, I’ve been too weak up to this point.  I should explain my story. […]

As the time approaches and friends post sappy facebook videos, I found myself frustrated that we can’t choose to die and have our organs donated.  Suicide methods just don’t lend well to organ donation and the timing would be tricky.  How lovely would it be to drift under anesthesia and never have to wake up again?

I would love to give my life to someone who is dying to live.  I don’t want my life and my body could be used to save so many other people who actually want to live but may die waiting for transplants.  I don’t feel my life is living anyways […]