so I have decided to get back on my diet. Water and vegetables. I have to get down 40 pounds by the beginning of next summer…

and i wonder why.

why am i here.

so i wish i wasn’t.

i feel more a vessel of wrath – sigh.

this too shall pass.

I see you
The tears in your eyes
The scars on your face
You look so alone
I reach out for you
I can’t touch you
I see the cuts on your arm
I ask why
You can’t reply
I need you to stop
But you cant
You need the pain to make it go away
I tell you to stop before you can’t turn back
You can’t hear me
You don’t stop
I look at your arms then look at mine
You’re my reflection.
My demon inside.

Still doing crap. Wishing for death. In fact just this morning while on the way to work I quietly asked god to take me. Felt like rubbish all day and then it felt like I was having a heart attack. For real. I started to panic. I realised maybe god heard me. Then I didnt want to go. I wanted to say goodbye one more time to my kids. Even my wife and I who were fighting even this morning I didnt want our last words to be hate filled. My mother and I are on bad terms. I suddenly realised although I cant bear […]

Here I am. Another sleepless night. Staring once again to the white screen in front of me with music in the background. While this has become comfortable I miss the unusual dreams of the night. The dreams where I visit places I’ve never been or ever seen. The dreams where I do things I would never do awake. The dreams where I meet strangers who understand me. The dreams where there’s chaos and adventure. Instead I sit here knowing I would never visit strange places, or meet strange people, or journey through some sort of adventure. I need to fall asleep. I need these dreams […]

i can only just remember what happiness used to feel like, the warmth, the glorious warmth,  it was what it was, but now it’s all a dream i can only slip into during nights of almost sleep, i wouldn’t even miss me if/when i die, so why the hell would anyone else eh?

I won’t even miss me

Life is so meaningless.   I have been on a very hectic schedule last month. No time for anything not even to sit and brood but in spite of all  the things i had on my mind i cudn’t  stop the  flow of tears. one part of my mind was bleeding and the pain was just too much… nobody to even talk to…. actually there are a lot of people, good people around me but it is just that i cannot connect with anybody anymore. the person i love is very supportive but i just can’t stop the void building inside me…. i am […]

feelings are so stupid they go up, down, turn around, left, right, o hey a dollar, it’s so ridiculous, we all are, wish we were like that neutral planet from futurama, no feelings at all, just neutral the whole time, yea i’d like that.

Relapse is such a *****. Things were going so well for me. Why did I visit my old box? What did i expect to feel when i picked up my old blades? Repulsion? Disgust? Or maybe i knew i would get the release i had been looking for. Maybe i knew that the urge i had been fighting all this time would finally be satisfied. I know i started feeling a bit lost when i realized my scars were fading. Why that is? I honesty dont know. Im ashamed by the lack of will power i had this time around. Seven months of no self […]

these feelings, these horrible feelings, they haunt me, taunt me, scream do it, its ok, take more, take em all, let go, it’ll be ok, everything gets better when you’re gone. i loved her she was mine, only mine i thought she loved me but apparent not on the night she tried to take her own, i love her still do, the place they took her changed her, she left me for another and they look happy in love almost and it crushes me everyday, i hate this, i hate it all,these feelings are ridiculous, why must they be i want them gone, as well […]

My childhood was rather decent, not many complaints at all.  Parents provided the bare necessities.  Always had food to eat, and a shelter.  Anything beyond that was never a given.  My dad even to this day is a fast tempered, no patience possessing, self-righteous man.  He can do no wrong.  When I was growing up, he eventually became a preacher when I was 11.  No one is perfect, but witnessing him put on a face of kindness and gentleness in the church congregation every Sunday, and then, even sometimes later that day, flip out on me as his own blood really ruined my faith in […]

why are all my comments going straight to moderation?

I don’t want you to think I’m some sort of whore, my love. I want to feel the intimacy with you and share with you a physical bond that only lovers truly know. I want to know that you’d see the cuts before they scarred. Not this distance.
I could do it more and more. And you wouldn’t even know it. I want the adrenaline of being caught. Of having someone see them without me showing. I want to know that you actually love me still, that you’re attracted to me still, that maybe there is a reason for me to still be here.
The […]

tell me who i am

tell me what i’ve become

tell me why i can’t overcome

tell me how all of this came to be

does dressing in a white lab coat make you a god

are you the savior i’ve never had

forlorn paths marked by a tear of desperation

i know no power greater than mine

and yet i wasn’t strong enough

let the tide wash in and sweep this all away

name a celestial power and i’ll show you an empty shell

a maverick of sorts

sighs are heard around the world as people pass from this world to the next

when will it be mine

when

im falling and you can’t catch me

not this time

I have absolutely no reason to live, Life is just too unfair. How come some people are Born with Talent, rich , good looks, smart etc, yet i was Born with nothing. I am Ugly, not rich, not smart, not popular, and with no talent etc. i cry every night wondering what is the point of my life, Everytime i want something Life just gives the exact opposite. Im doing poorly in school, and i rarely have friends i don’t have a girl friend and i am one of the losers at school. i can’t seem to see a future for me, each time i […]

Fuck me

I wake up everyday disappointed that I have woken up. I want to be done with life.

I’m worthless. I’m insignificant. Im not good at anything. Actually, I am pretty good at being worthless. Completely and utterly worthless. I wish I would wake up from this horrid dream, but sadly this is reality. The saddest part is I do it to myself (partially true). There’s no stopping me. I will continue to fuck myself over until everyone hates me. If I just off’d myself today I might be happier, my dad would be happier IMO. I’d no longer be bound to the terrestrial plane. Free […]

A yellow bracelet
so now you’re “aware”
suicide is always an option

Hi all. I’m currently really low in the depressive cycle of bipolar. I hate the guilt I constantly feel for being this way. I never asked to be manifested on this planet anyway, so why is it such a taboo subject when telling people that I feel suicidal? People are hypocrites, saying they want to talk anytime but then when you explain that you are at peace with the idea of ceasing to exist on this physical plain, they turn and then the guilt starts.

I have a degree and I used to be in a band who were pretty decent, but all of that is […]

I just wanted to ask a question. This isn’t to pick a fight, I just want to know.

What is so bad about being gay. I hear a lot that it’s unnatural and against some people’s religion, but why else?

Can you answer me that? I would genuinely like to know why you think that.