Last time I posted here I went home and swallowed 69 50mg trazedones. Unfortunately I failed again.. How many times will I fail before I get it right.. its killing me to continuously post here about my failures. I spent a week in the gutters they call behavioral institutes and i feel like im getting worse, I feel robotic.. like a mechanical animal.. i hate swallowing diamonds they’re killing my head.. but then thats where the true reality lies isnt it.. in my head.. yesterday i found a beautiful rose, her thorns work beautifully against my skin, thats all i can do.. keep picking “roses” and […]

how weird, i am free and independant and yet i cannot do what i want. it is like i have this fake freedom, i have the freedom from all the people who can bind me, voluntarily or by force. but i just cannot be free of myself, i cannot not hold myself back. sometimes i feel i can only be as good as i want me to be. i feel so enormously sick when my strongest of emotions fail to lead into action. my eyes may well up with tears for something and my heart would be convinced about that, yet it all falls flat […]

Suicide. I’ve been dealing with this ideation for years upon years. Sometimes it’s worse, sometimes it’s better, but it’s always there. At the worst of times, I make a list of things I should do before I die. Not just tying up the loose ends, but things I should see through– birthdays, holidays, new seasons of television shows.

As of today, I’ve crossed off a big one. I’ve been covering for a coworker during their leave for two months. They’re back today, ready to go. I couldn’t kill myself while they were gone, but now… it matters less.

The things on the list seem less significant now.

I […]

Hello,

First post ever……..let’s see how this goes.  Now I feel I’m at a loss for words…..nothing new.  Background info I guess?  Though we must all know by now that I’m feeling pathetically trapped regardless.  I think I’ve been “depressed” since I was 11 though I’ve never been formally diagnosed.  My parents took me to a doctor when I was 13 to see if I qualified for anti-depressants…..without taking me to therapy first.  They did that because they found out I was cutting and burning myself.  I made a really bad burn on my fore-arm, and my parents cared enough to see if I could use […]

Now this is gonna get really offensive to some people, so id recommend not to read this. I just wanted to get something off my chest that i had for a while.

WHY IS THE UNIVERSE AGAINST US.

I mean think about it,  80% of the animals can kill us, were hostile to each other, and theirs ALWAYS some force that commands us. Like god and jesus, why cant we just be ”FREE”. No commanders, no fucking society bullshit. No illuminati no nothing. Just us and the universe.. Religion to me is just a box ment to trap everyone from releasing their true potential. We spend every […]

This site has really helped me overcome my pain and suffering. I first joined on December 2012.

Currently I am officially free from depression and suicidal thoughts.

I will never, never forget all of you who were there during my darkest times to motivate me here on SP: (I don’t know whether you are reading this or not)

Amakua

Rocketman

RuinsOfTheVoid

SadBk

Dawg

And many many others!

Lastly, for B.N.Crazy, whose quote really opened my eyes: “no ones holding a gun to your head and saying i have to feel that way, so why am i?” This quote was the beginning of my decision to fight.

Thank you SP, this is the place I feel […]

I’ve wanted to commit suicide for quite awhile now….

But theres something always holding me back from succeeding. I couldn’t figure out what for weeks until I saw this quote that I cant remember who its from. “Dont give up, because somehow, someone, somewhere will need you.”

It clicked.

Ive always had a knack for making people feel better. I like cracking jokes, giving good advice, and comfort when its needed.

It finally clicked when I realized…I’m going to save someone. I know that might not happen, but it keeps me from thinking about suicide. Someone, somewhere is going to need me.

And I’m going to be there for them.

“Don’t […]

I found this Birthday card for my 13th Bday, and once again I’m reminded that once you become a cutter, your life revolves around nothing but cutting. “Oh, this was become I started cutting.” “Oh, by this time I’d been cutting for a year.” It’s “my life before cutting” and “my life after cutting.” And in your life after cutting, it’s all about the cuts. Will I cut today? Will anybody new become suspicious about the long sleeves today? I need to hide my cuts, I need to hide my scars… I need to cut again, and hide it all again, and worry that maybe […]

This is the first time I have visited this site and I am not sure whether to feel relieved that I am not the only one feeling hopeless and suicidal, or if I should be afraid that there are so many of us out there.

I will be turning 30 in September and I have been struggling with depression since I was 15.  I had my first suicide attempt when I was 17, came very close to

dying had it not been for my grandmother.  I wish I could say things got better as the years passed by, but they didn’t.  I kept on getting up every […]

I wish I could say today was the day that I would commit suicide or at least someday soon. Not because I need others to see it but because it would finally mean that I…I…would not have to deal with the whole span of my life? That I could just focus on time determined by suicide date subtract now. I literally have no faith in my ability to commit suicide. I could probably have a gun and I would still mess it up. The best pills I have access to are caffeine pills -.-. I mean maybe I take 100 then sprint until I get […]

 I wrote this thing, showed it to someone, sent them a copy and have now read virtually the same piece of writing(with someones else’s name on), only slightly rehashed. Don’t ask me why the big things that have happened to me have left me crawling around like a wounded animal, but a little thing like theft of my inner most thoughts – has got me PISSED OFF. 

Because I’ve been down and insecure I’ve let certain people make me feel like I should apologize for my existence. Warning; about to state the obvious:  I have every right to be here, breath this air, walk this land as […]